Under the Bridge
Wisdom of the Troll
The amateur-made logo for the webcast fades away into nothingness and the Troll is the first thing scene, an unfortunate closeup of what appears to be wire brush but as he draws back, is revealed to be nothing more than a closeup shot of the hair in his nose. The Troll turns his camera’s features on and with the lightning around him, he is revealed to be seated in a shabby hotel room; complete with faded paint on the walls that is peeling in worn spots, a window with no view save for a large tree right in front of it, a bed with the blankets turned over and rumbled and pillows that look as if they’ve had better days.
The Troll: Hey, yo yo everybody! It’s your boy, the Troll, here for another expert broadcast of the Wit and Wisdom of the one and only - The Troll! And you know what that means! A healthy dose of the truth, and nothing but the truth! And you want a hint of the Truth to start things out!? Take a look around me! You see where I am? You see the conditions that a man of my stature has been put in??
He waves behind him with a flail of his flabby forearm.
The Troll: Take a guess where your boy is this week! Heck! I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count! Your boy the Troll - that’s me - is all the way in Jaipuri, India! And you wouldn’t believe the lengths Mark Ward and Christian Underwood went through to keep yours truly out of this country! And why? Because they were afraid! They were afraid of what I was going to say to expose them and Sin City Wrestling! Because the last thing any cherry picking corporate schlongs like those two want is for the soft minded, weak-willed plebeians to know EXACTLY what is happening behind the scenes of their precious money making scam! And that is what SCW is - a scam! I’ll tell you why, it's because of the second reason why they went through such lengths to keep me away! Because of this high and mighty soft serve wimp named Finn Whelan that they have me up against tonight!
The Troll waves his hands around and shakes his head.
The Troll: Oh yeah, I heard ALL about the mighty and fearsome Finn Whelan! The guy is a pencil neck geek who has the body of a flat chested Bombshell but apparently the bosses expect big things from him! They think he’s something special and a future World Champion but I know better!
He pokes himself in the chest, emphasizing each word.
The Troll: I. Know. Better! Finn Whelan has about as much chance at living up to those lofty expectations as Ben Jordan has at not coloring his chest hair so you don’t see all the gray! Finn Whelan has as much of a shot at beating me this weekend as Melissa has at admitting she injected that big booty full of cement!
He leans in close to the screen and stage whispers.
The Troll: Explains a lot about that Bombshell, doesn’t it?
He taps a knowing finger to his temple and leans back the way he was.
The Troll: I’ll give you one chance, Finn, to just walk away from this match and save your dignity because the Troll is out for blood, baby! And you have only Ward and Underwood to thank for everything I was put through over the last two days! First, I SOMEHOW was given the understanding I was supposed to be in Indiana for a match so I flew ALL the way there, only to get chewed out by the **air quotes* bosses to get my, as Underwood put it, ever expanding backside to INDIA! I mean - INDIA!? Who in God;s name comes to this forsaken country WILLINGLY!? They don’t even eat BEEF! What does it tell you when a man can’t go out and get a decent hamburger because of religious morals! Imagine – pandering to the locals!
He rolls his eyes.
The Troll: Then I get stuck in coach, and do you see where they put me up when a man of MY distinction should be in the suite!? YOU Whelan! This is all your fault and I swear to GOD I am going to…!
*THUMP!* *THUMP!* The tell-tale sound of something banging on the wall.
Mom: GABRIEL THOMAS WANK!
The Troll closes his eyes and shakes his head, letting loose a sigh.
The Troll: Yes, Ma!?
Mom: Be a good boy and get your Mommy some ice from the machine!
The Troll: Yes Ma!
Mom: That’s my boy!
The Troll then side eyes the camera.
The Troll: And I want to know WHO was responsible for THAT!? Milo Kasey…!
He points right into the camera.
The Troll: It was YOU, wasn’t it!? Or maybe… Ben Jordan!? If I find out it was the Cockring King…!
He then sits back again, only something goes ‘crack’ and he plummets backwards with his feet sticking straight up in the air at full camera angle.
The Troll: CUT! CUT!
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