Under the Bridge
Wisdom of the Troll
“Miss me?”
“I've waited a long time for this! This blog, MY blog, has been a part of the world, wide Web now for a number of years. I've spent all of that time doing my best to educate the trogs who call themselves ‘wrestling fans.’ It's always been a labor of love, because I always have seen it as my sworn duty to shed the light on the shadows of this so-called ‘sport’ and open the eyes of the blind. And you'd think that I'd be showered with praise and everyone would be thanking me.”
“You'd think.”
“But no matter where I go, if it’s posting on my blog here or following some random marks on a fan forum of some overrated children's show, I find myself always being cast as the villain. And why? Because people go online to escape from their own drab little meaningless lives. They want to post stupid theories about TV shows or movies. They want to play a rousing game of ‘Guess Who's Gay’ with their favorite celebrities. Oh but god help you/me if you prove them wrong!”
“But take a look at me now! Here I am, the newest member of the Superstar roster of Sin City Wrestling! The next ‘Big Thing.’ Believe. It! Truth is, they can play dumb or innocent all they want, but the fact is that Mark Ward and Christian Underwood couldn't wait to get me to sign my name on the dotted line! They're both avid readers of my blog and they know a sure thing when they see it.”
“Of course, now that they have me, you’re probably asking yourself what they’re going to do with me. Well I can tell you one thing that they’re not going to ndo; and that’s control me! I’m not some greasy looking freak like Austin James Mercer or pretty boy closet case like Jack Washington. You know what I mean. All these so-called men strut around like they’re the best thing to happen to professional wrestling since turnbuckle pads, but the truth is that they’re all just the same, tired old acts that drag down the ratings until it’s so low they’d have to look up in order to see the down.”
“Fact: Every week the ratings for Climax Control get lower and lower, and why? Because they continue to hype the same men and women over and over. Same old show, same old shit.”
“You see SCW? You can control guys like Mercer but you CAN’T control me!”
“After all, I've been watching wrestling since I was little, and just like any real fan, I thought to myself ‘I can do that!’ But do you know what the difference is between me and the rest of those wishful dreamers? I meant it when I said it, and I'm going to prove to everyone just how easy this wrestling ‘career’ is.”
“Starting with Tony Thorn.”
“Seriously, Tony Thorn? That’s who I get stuck facing in my big debut? The next big thing is the SCW Superstar division and I get put against a guy who only wrestles when he gets bored enough to leave his home in Lima, Ohio? And who the hell in their right mind would actually admit to calling Lima, Ohio their hometown!? I’ve seen pictures of that city and it’s like Mayberry regressed a few decades! I keep asking myself where’s Opie and Aunt Bea, where’s Barney and Sheriff Taylor? The only famous person who came out of Lima is Phylis Diller and that was about a hundred years ago!”
“Tony Thorn, on the other hand, is not famous. If he was, Mark Ward and Christian Underwood would put some REAL effort into getting him to compete regularly. They’d FIGHT to book him, like they fought so hard to sign me! A man that still lives at his childhood home with his mommy. Living with his mom… now THAT is pathetic! What kind of man still lives at home with his…?”
There was a sound thumping on the ceiling of the basement and a shrill yell following it up…“
GABRIEL! COME GET ME OFF OF THIS TOILET! MY LEGS FELL ASLEEP!!!”
The husky figure in shadow sighed as he pushed his desk chair back…
Later…“Where was I? Oh yes! Tony Thorn! Now naturally I’m not thinking that I should have been booked against stars like Jack Washington or O’Malley, but seriously? They must have been scraping the bottom of the barrel with available bookings if that’s all I could get! But I’ll make the most out of it because once I’m through with Tony, then that is when the TRUTH will start coming out! The secrets of Sin City Wrestling will no longer be safe!”
“Starting with the FACT -- that SCW has never actually had a live audience before. Did you know that? That for the past ten years, all of those so-called capacity crowds? All images on a screen. The shows are actually held inside of empty arenas.”
“It’s true!”
The Troll sat at the desk in his basement, shaking his head with a haughty derision, feeling a great swell of pity for these plebians. So close minded that they absolutely refuse to be open minded enough, just long enough to read his column and have their outlook expanded past their own nose.
“If you people hated what I had to say so much, then you wouldn’t be wasting your time reading what I have to say. Would you? No, I didn’t THINK so! This is a free country, and the world wide web is just that; broadcast across the world. I can post WHATEVER I want, WHENEVER I want, HOWEVER I want! And there is not a damn thing any of you…”
Suddenly the door at the top of the basement stairs swung open with a clatter and a large, round shadow was cast from the light behind the upstairs of the house. The only thing that could be seen of the figure was the base hem of a large, bright blue mumu with purple, floral accents and dingy house slippers.
“
GABRIEL!!! Whaddya want for dinner!? Are chili dogs okay!?”
The Troll was in the process of typing another quick and scathing response online when he spun around in his office chair.
The Troll: “
MOM!!! I’m BUSY talking to my PEEPS!”
He turned back around the resume his typing when he paused and called back over his shoulder.
The Troll: “Chili dogs are fine!”
The basement door closed again, leaving the lair of the Troll blanketed again in darkness.
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