The wind is whipping through Wyatt Peterson and Tom Dudely’s hair as they speed down Interstate 15 towards San Diego in Tom’s 1957 Chevy Bel Air convertible. Tom is driving while Wyatt is asleep in the passenger seat. Eugene, whom Wyatt had invited along for the trip much to Tom’s chagrin, is in the backseat with a map unfolded. Suddenly, Eugene puts the map down and leans forward to talk to Tom and Wyatt.
Eugene: Hey guys, we should totally stop in Baker. It’s right off of the freeway about 20 miles ahead.
Tom rolls his eyes.
Tom: What is so interesting in Baker? World’s biggest cupcake?
Eugene starts laughing.
Eugene: World’s biggest cupcake! Because it’s Baker! You’re so funny!
Tom rolls his eyes, obviously annoyed with Eugene.
Eugene: It’s actually home of the World’s Tallest Thermometer.
Tom (sarcastically): Wow….
Eugene: While we’re there we can stop at Alien Fresh Jerky. They say that the jerky is made from abducted cows.
Tom smiles and shakes his head at the ridiculousness coming out of Eugene’s mouth. He looks over at Wyatt sleeping with a thin stream of drool coming out of his mouth.
Tom (thinking to himself): I can’t put up with this kid much more. Why the hell should Wyatt get to sleep while I put up with this kid. He’s the one who invited him.
Tom turns the steering wheel to make the car swerve sharply. Wyatt’s head swings into the window divider with a thud. Wyatt shoots up wiping the drool from his chin. His other hand goes to where his head hit the divider.
Wyatt: Oww! What the hell happened?
Tom (Feigning innocence): Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up. I had to swerve to avoid hitting… umm… a dog. Yeah, that’s it, a dog.
Wyatt looks at Tom like he doesn’t believe him. Tom just flashes him a smile and a wink as Eugene starts talking again.
Eugene: You had to wake up anyway. We’re going to stop at the World’s Tallest Thermometer.
Wyatt gives Tom an angry look.
Wyatt: That ain’t no reason to wake a man up from his mid-mornin’ nap. Ah need mah beauty sleep.
Tom laughs.
Tom: Don’t worry. It wasn’t helping anyway.
Wyatt: Why the hell are we gonna stop to see a thermometer anyway? Ah can check the temperature on mah cell phone.
Eugene: It’s not just ANY thermometer though. It’s the World’s Tallest Thermometer! And we’re gonna stop at Alien Fresh Jerky while we’re there. The jerky is supposed to have been made by aliens.
Wyatt: Ah have no doubt that the jerky was probably made by aliens, probably illegal ones. What’s so special ‘bout that?
Eugene: Not illegal aliens, as in people who are in the United States illegally, but aliens as in the kind from outer space.
This peaks Wyatt’s interest.
Wyatt: Aliens like the little green men?
Eugene nods.
Wyatt: Ah don’t think that’d be a bad thing tah check out. Might be kinda nifty.
Tom looks at Wyatt and shakes his head.
Tom: Alright, I guess I’m outvoted. We’ll stop in Baker.
Eugene: YAY!!!
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***10 minutes later***
Tom: We’re here.
Tom turns off of the freeway onto Baker Avenue.
Eugene: Look! There’s Alien Fresh Jerky.
Almost immediately off of the freeway, a building on the right side of the road has “ALIEN FRESH JERKY” in really big letter across the front. Tom pulls into the parking area. All three men get out of the car to take in the view. An alien is sitting on the roof with its feet dangling over the side, a spaceship is parked along the side of the building, and there’s a taxi parked in front with an alien family inside, even a baby one in a car seat. Tom just shakes his head as he watches Wyatt and Eugene run around looking at everything with the excitement of children. Eugene takes a few pictures before they run back to the car where Tom is still standing.
Wyatt: We’re gonna head on inside. You comin’?
Tom: No, I’m okay out here. You guys have fun with your aliens.
Wyatt and Eugene look at each other and shrug before turn back to the building and disappearing inside. Tom pulls out his cell phone and sits on the hood of the car. He proceeds to play “Angry Birds” for several minutes until Wyatt and Eugene reemerge from the building. Wyatt is carrying a paper bag. They hurry over to Tom.
Eugene: That place is awesome! I love aliens!
Tom: Probably because you're one of them.
Wyatt: Look at all the cool stuff we got.
Wyatt starts digging into the bag. He pulls out six bags of assorted flavors of jerky and sets them on the car one by one.
Wyatt: They were three for twenty dollars. We got: Abducted Cow Teriyaki, whiskey jerky, space cowboy pepper, BBQ on the moon, colon cleaner hot jerky, and Space Gator alligator jerky.
Tom: Alligator jerky?
Eugene: Yeah, it’s made from real alligator.
Tom: So is Wyatt’s boot. Why not just eat that? It probably tastes the same.
Wyatt and Eugene laugh. Wyatt reaches back into the bag and pulls out three pouches.
Wyatt: Astronaut ice cream. It’s freeze dried so it don’t melt.
Tom: That sounds disgusting.
Wyatt sets the pouches on the car and reached back into the bag.
Wyatt: Last, but not least…
Wyatt pulls out a t-shirt and holds it up against his chest. It shows a picture of two spaceships crashed into each other with the caption reading “Where’d you learn to drive, Earth?” Wyatt tosses the shirt to Eugene who pulls it on over the shirt he’s already wearing. Wyatt pulls out another shirt that just says “I got abducted by aliens and all I got was this lousy shirt”. Tom rolls his eyes.
Tom (sarcastically): Classic…
Wyatt smiles and tosses the shirt over his shoulder as he reached back into the bag to pull out a third shirt.
Wyatt: We got this one fer you.
Wyatt holds it up. It shows a female alien on all fours with a human “mounting” it. The caption reads “Once you go green, you never go back”. Eugene and Wyatt burst into laughter at Tom shakes his head and starts climbing into the car.
Tom: I’m not wearing that.
Wyatt and Eugene are still laughing as they climb into the car. Wyatt tosses the shirt at Tom who tosses it right back while shaking his head.
Tom: Let’s go see this damn thermometer so we can get out of here. Where is it?
Eugene leans forward into the front seat and points down the road.
Eugene: It’s right down there. I can see it from here.
Tom: Alright, let’s get this over with.
Tom starts the car and pulls out of the parking lot back onto the main road. Within a minute they arrive at the world’s tallest thermometer. They all pile out of the car and look up at the thermometer. Eugene snaps a picture of it.
Wyatt: That’s a perdy big thermometer.
Eugene: It’s 134 feet tall, which is also the highest temperature ever recorded in the United States. It was built in 1991 and costs about forty thousand dollars annually to upkeep. Judging by the fact that it’s about 65 degrees out and it’s reading 90 I’m going to assume that the economy has hit it too.
Tom: Alright, we’ve seen it, let’s get back in the car and head to San Diego.
Eugene: Can we stop in Barstow along the way? They’ve got a real ghost town!
Tom rolls his eyes.
Tom: We’ll see. Let’s just go.
Eugene: Hold on. I need to use the restroom.
Eugene starts running towards the gas station next to the thermometer. As soon as Eugene disappears inside, Tom gets back into the car and starts it up.
Tom: Come on, Wyatt. Let’s get out of here.
Wyatt: What about Eugene?
Tom: He’s been annoying the sh*t out of me. Let’s ditch him.
Wyatt shrugs and climbs into the passenger’s seat. Tom pulls out and starts back towards the freeway.
Wyatt: You know that he’s not going to let us just leave him. He’s gonna be bugging us until we go back and get him.
Tom: How’s he gonna do that?
Wyatt’s cell phone starts ringing.
Wyatt: He’s got my cell phone number.
Tom stops the car and hangs his head. He takes a deep breath and makes a U-turn. Wyatt answers the phone and puts it to his ear.
Wyatt: Don’t worry. We’re on our way back tah get ya.
The scene fades as they drive back to get Eugene.
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***Sunday before the show***
Tom and Wyatt are sitting in the men’s locker room at Aztec Aquaplex in San Diego, California. Tom reaches into a McDonald’s bag that is next to him and pulls out three McDoubles. He hands them to Wyatt who opens one of them and devours it in three bites.
Tom: Hungry?
Wyatt: Yeah, ah’ve been a bit nervous today so ah didn’t eat breakfast.
Tom: What are you nervous about? You’ve been in the main event before.
Wyatt: Yeah, but not with such big names in it. There are three guys in the match with me that were the biggest names in the business at one point.
Tom (shrugs): You can’t let that get to you. You’ve a beast in the ring. I have no doubt that you can hold your own in the ring with them. Anyway, you’re on the same side as two of them.
Wyatt: It’s still enough to make me nervous. Ah’ve gotta take my game to the next level with them in the ring.
Tom: I know you can do it. This is your chance to show what you can do. Everyone’s eyes are going to be on you tonight to see what you’re capable of. Finish up your burgers. I set up an interview with a new interviewer here in SCW. It should be… interesting.
Wyatt eats his other two burgers fairly quickly, washing them down with a bottle of water. Tom stands up.
Tom: Let’s go get this interview done.
Wyatt stands up and puts his Stetson hat on.
Wyatt: Ah’m ready.
Wyatt follows Tom out of the locker room. They walk around the backstage area looking for their interviewer. As they are walking, a bathroom door opens and smoke comes rolling out of it. “Stoner” Scott Oliver stumbles out of the bathroom coughing.
Tom: Scott!
“Stoner” Scott looks up.
Stoner: God?
Tom: Over here, dumbass.
Stoner turns to see Tom and Wyatt looking at him. He flashes a dazed smile as he walks over to them.
Stoner: Sup, boys?
Tom: We’re supposed to be doing an interview with you. Where’s your cameraman?
Stoner points between Tom and Wyatt. They turn around to see the cameraman there filming the whole thing.
Tom: Why are you filming already?
Cameraman: I figured that something funny was gonna happen with Scott so I’ve been recording since he went into the bathroom.
Everyone shrugs. The cameraman hands a microphone to Stoner.
Cameraman: You’ll need this to do the interview.
Tom and Wyatt stand next to Stoner and face the camera. Stoner turns his back to the camera.
Stoner: I’m here with Wyatt…
Wyatt grabs Stoner by his shoulders and turns him around to face the camera.
Stoner: Oh. I’m here with Wyatt Peterson and his heterosexual life mate, Tom Dudely.
Tom: Manager works just fine.
Stoner: Umm… okay. His manager, Tom Dudely. Wyatt, you’re in a huge main event with a bunch of dudes. Umm… why are you here?
Wyatt takes the microphone from Stoner.
Wyatt: Ah’ve got it from here. Why don’t ya head back into the bathroom?
Stoner shrugs and walks back to the bathroom. Smoke is still rolling out as he opens the door and disappears inside.
Wyatt: Tonight, ah’m in the biggest match ah’ve been in in mah life. Ah know ah’ve been in a battle royal for the SCW Championship and at December tah Dismember ah was in a match for the tag team titles, but how many people can say that they’ve been in the ring with three hall of famers at the same time? Ah get tah team up with one of the greatest teams in wrestling history Spike Staggs and Jordan Williams. These two men alone could probably handle the three guys on the other side. Ah’m just glad that they allowed by tah join ‘em. Ah know that they’re probably both a bit rusty since they haven’t been in the ring in years, but ah know that they’re both ready.
Tom pulls the microphone a bit closer to himself.
Tom: I’ve never been in the ring with Jordan Williams that I can remember, but Spike is probably the person that I’m most familiar with. I had my very first professional match against him many years ago and have wrestled him many times since then. He’s going to be ready.
Wyatt takes the microphone back.
Wyatt: On the other side of the ring is another hall of famer, Nick Jones. He’s been around for a few weeks in SCW and from what ah’ve seen he’s just a cocky jackass who gets lucky every once in a while. Tom told me that he was GXW Champion once, but he lost his title tah some guy named Matt Seex. Who the hell is Matt Seex? Ah dunno either, but ah think it’s embarrassing dropping the title to a no name. At least Tom lost his GXW Championship to Rix Usher. Ah may be wrong, but in mah tag match with him in the tag team tournament a few weeks back he didn’t impress me much. In fact, he’s the one who got pinned tah lose that match for his team. Ah don’t care if he’s the number one contender to the SCW Championship, I’m still better than him. Kain, ah have no idea really who he is. Ah assume he’s done something special tah impress the bosses since he’s in the main event. Ah guess Ah’m just gonna have tah wait ‘til ah see him in the ring to determine how good he is for mah self. Then there’s Casey Williams…
Wyatt dramatically pauses.
Wyatt: Me and Casey Williams have had a few run-ins since SCW began. The bosses have put us in matches together because we’re the two biggest, most dominant forces in the SCW. It’s inevitable that we’ll have a one on one match someday. Ah dunno when, but it’ll have to happen to establish who’s the biggest, baddest man in the SCW. Ah already know the answer, but ah’m always willin’ tah prove it. Ah’m gonna go get ready for this match, but the rest of y’all had better watch your asses, cuz Wyatt Peterson is ready to kick ‘em.
Wyatt and Tom walk away down the hall. The cameraman calls after them.
Cameraman: Thanks, guys.
Wyatt and Tom walk until their outta earshot.
Wyatt: How’d ah do?
Tom: it wasn’t bad for your first promo pretty much on your own. Not bad at all.
Wyatt smiles as the scene fades.
