Under the Bridge
Wisdom of the Troll
The sickenly sweet Valentine's Day gif transitions to an immediate closeup of the Troll’s face as the camera for his vlog is turned on and he sits back in his comfortable yet outdated desk chair. He leans back, the ever-present cocky smirk on his face as he fixes his glasses and clasps his hands above his gut.
The Troll: Hey yo, it’s your boy The Troll and you know what time of year it is? That’s right! It’s time for the most important day of the year, and naw! I don’t mean Christmas or someone’s birthday. This here is Valentine’s Day where we gather together with our special someone and celebrate that feeling that makes the world move! And yes folks, this year your boy - The Troll - has his special lady to celebrate it with!
The Troll extends his hand to a framed photograph that is facing him and away from the camera. He picks it up and turns it around for the viewers to see…
He then sets the framed picture back down onto his desk and turns it away from the camera so that only he can see it.
The Troll: That’s enough. I don’t want you poor couch potato fanboys to get the wrong idea - like you actually have a chance with a beauty like this. That is for me and me alone. She goes for guys who make big bucks and are winners! Not some poor losers who have no futire and live in their mom’s basem-
He clears his throat and continues on.
The Troll: Like i said, this is going to be the best Valentine’s Day with my special lady because I have gone ALL. Out!
The Troll leans off-screen and picks up a HUGE heart-shaped box of chocolates and a large, plush Unicorn. He shows them off for all to see before he sets them back off-screen.
The Troll: And that’s not all, but I made my reservations for Katherine and myself for a five star dining experience at Dennys! First class babes like her get first class treatment all the way! And that’s not all, she is going to be going on this date and be treated like a Queen because she’s going with a KING! That’s right! She is going to go because after this weekend, she will have no mor doubts as to my love and my loyalty! She is going to be going with a WINNER - because I have this match scheduled now against a total and complete loser like Malachi! Oh yeah, he came back to SCW with a little bit of fanfare but when you get right down to it - nobody cares whether or not he’s back. Sure he got a win against that loser rock star who’s taken one too many guitar shots to the head, Alex Rush! But when he has a match against a REAL athlete like myself…?
He closes his eyes and shakes his head with a haughty derision.
The Troll: He’ll suffer his first loss since returning and he’ll then realize he has no place in SCW where the big boys play. He’ll tuck his tail between his legs and waddle off to some minor league territory that’s more backyard wrestling than it is professional! And what’s more…
*THUD! THUD! THUD!*Mom: GABRIEL!
The Troll closes his eyes and sighs at yet another interruption from his beloved and surprisingly popular mom. He opens his eyes and slips off his head phones, looking up at his ceiling which also happens to be her floor.
The Troll: YES MA!?
Mom: Are you taking your little girlfriend out for Valentine's Day?
The Troll: Yes Ma!
Mom: Well how come I’ve never met her!? How come you never bring her home to meet me?
The Troll: Well Ma, about that…
Mom: What, are you ashamed of your MOTHER???
The Troll: No, Ma! I’m not! I’ll bring her to meet you after Valentine’s Day, I promose!
Mom: Well… so long as you PROMISE…
The Troll: Maybe we’ll swing by after I pick her up so he can say hello!
Mom: Oh no, that won’t work.
The Troll: Why not???
Mom: I have a date for Valentine’s Day!
The Troll almost chokes taking a drink of his giant drink, spewing soda ev erywhere! He hurriedly tries cleaning it up and looks up!
The Troll: A DATE!? What do you mean you have a DATE!?
Mom: Do you need Mommy to clean out your ears again??? I. Have. A. Dae! One of your little wrestler friends asked me out the last time I went to a show with you. He’s taking me on a tour of the Sausage Factory!
The Troll: One of… MY friends!?
Mom: Oh yes! Girl’s still got it!
The Troll rubs his temples.
The Troll: Oh god… this can’t be happening! Wait… it’s not Miles Kasey is it!? He’s the one friendliest to you!
Mom: Of course not! He’s dating that little gay boy Carter! I don’t have what it takes to be the other man!
The Troll silently mouths “the other man”?
Mom: It’s Alex Rush!
The Troll: Oh okay, that’s al-WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
