Two days after High Stakes…
I was waiting to see my mother in the hospital, on my 29th birthday no less. I was still on that high of winning the championship and I was clutching it on my lap.
“How is this going to change me for the future?” I wondered. This wasn’t the norm for me as I remembered how I would largely focus on the past and how much it was driving me. But this championship and my journey to get here certainly had me feeling a little different. Still, I was thinking back to High Stakes and how I was feeling regarding the match.
“I knew I was going to do it all along…” I reflected. “Courtney’s empty words never bothered me. Compared to my father, who loved to say similar about me, she was child’s play. She made every effort she could to bring me down and intimidate me but it turned out to be for nothing. It was like dealing with my father all over again, except so much easier. Normally, I would go into a huge match like High Stakes wanting to prove him wrong… but…”
I reflected for a bit.
“...this hits different. This doesn’t feel like before. I don’t feel like I’ve proven him wrong. I feel like I didn’t even have to. It’s funny because I remember how I felt when I first learned he was gone…”
Two years ago…
I remember being in my mother’s living room as she held a note in her hands. She was shaken. I can tell she had already gone through a round of tears or two. Naturally, I was worried about her and asked her if everything was okay. If only I knew what was about to hit me like a ton of bricks…
“...your father got shot in the head, Julianna…” my mother said to me. Instantly, I went numb as I remembered that I once wished for that to happen to him to his face. “He’s gone… I can’t believe he’s gone…”
The numbness in me wore off and it was replaced by sympathy for my mother. But at the same time, there was this great relief and peace that was sweeping over me. I wasn’t feeling upset that my biggest doubter and my most horrific abuser was gone. I consoled my mother who went into another emotional outburst.
“I know you feel nothing for him… and I understand if you’re not upset that he’s gone. But he wanted me to give you this…”
My mother handed me a note and her eyes widen as she saw I was going to tear it up.
“Julianna… stop! I’ve actually read what it says. I swear on your life it’s not what you expect. It’s not abusive. Please hold onto that.”
I let out an angry sigh.
“For you I will, but that’s it. I’m not going to read this right now. I’m just… shocked. I can’t believe he’s gone. He’s not going to be around to hurt me anymore…”
“That’s true… but please Julianna, do yourself a favor and get to a point where you’ll be ready to read what he has to say. You don’t deserve to carry any anger toward him with you anymore. Work on yourself, honey. Be better than him. I know that he and I weren’t getting along great toward the end and that you and him never had a real relationship, but I knew the kind of man that he was at heart and I loved him very much…”
“I never saw him that way…” I reminded her. “He wanted to drag me down and sabotage my career at every turn…”
“I know he did… but someday, for your sake, that’s something you need to let go…”
I wasn’t happy to hear this, but I was too concerned for my mother to really dwell on it. She was hurting and being there for her in her time of need was all that really mattered in the moment…
Present Day…
I snapped out of my thoughts when the doctor informed me she was ready to see me. As it turns out, that letter, still folded after all this time, was in my hands too.
“Why am I suddenly feeling different about him being gone?” I asked myself as I stood up and walked into my mother’s room. That worry escaped me when she saw each other and we gave each other the biggest hug that I could remember. As we embraced, I could feel my mother’s happiness. It was the strongest sense of happiness she felt toward me… ever…
And with everything going on and with my journey as it happened, her ‘congratulations’ was the greatest thing in the world.
“I knew all along you were going to do it…” she told me, as she beamed with pride. “You did the unthinkable! Nobody believed in you but us, and look what you managed to pull off!”
“This is honestly the greatest thing I’ve ever achieved in my wrestling career…”I admitted. “But like I told you, this is for both of us. I’m not the only one that is the SCW Bombshells World Champion… you are too!”
I could tell just by looking in her eyes that my mother was very touched by this gesture.”
“This title is my ‘thank you’ for everything you’ve ever done for me. You deserve to share this title with me for that, and because you never had a chance to be a world champion in your own right. You do now, mother! This is our title and I’m going to do the best that I will do to make sure this stays with us. Here… let’s take a few pictures, okay?”
I pulled out my phone and sat hip to hip with my mother as I evenly spaced the title belt in front of us. The next few seconds were ncredible happiness, taking those pictures with her, sharing the greatest memory of my career so far with her and subsequently seeing her hold the title on her own and really believing that she too, was a world champion. I took a few pictures of her with the title before putting my phone away.
“Gosh, I’ve never seen you this happy as long as you’ve been alive, Julianna…” my mother says as she laughs through the inescapable tears of joy.
“To be able to do this… for me… for us…” I began, fighting my own tears of joy at this point. “I’ve never had a moment in my career that has meant more to me. This is, without question, the pinnacle of my career so far and… it’s weird to say this… but unlike the other two world titles I’ve won to this point, it didn’t feel like I was proving my father wrong at all.”
My mother’s eyes light up with happiness.
“GOOD! It means that you’re ready to move forward. That title has given you enough confidence to move on and let go of all the pain he ever put you through. It’s time to let him go now…”
I was feeling really weird about this considering that most of my career was basically based on proving him wrong and overcoming all of the abuse he ever put me through.
“Julianna, in order to be the champion I know you can be, you need to move forward. It’s no longer about proving him wrong. It’s about showing the world what you are made of. You’re not new to the responsibility of carrying a company on your back. You’ve done this two different times before. But this time? It’s under a greater microscope and you can’t afford to hold yourself back by dwelling on your father anymore.”
“I never read the letter of his that you gave me…” I admitted.
“You don’t think it’s time to do that? I know what it says and like I told you back when I gave it two you after he died, it’s not what you expect. You don’t even have to read it out loud. I want you to soak it in and see what he really has to say. Give him one more chance to make things right and I promise you it’s going to do great things for you.”
I reached into my purse, revealing the letter.
“I have kept it with me the whole time…’ I admitted. My hand was already shaking.
“You are more than strong enough now, honey…” my mother admitted to me. “This is your moment to prove what kind of champion you can be…”
I took a deep breath and calmed down before I unfolded the letter and began to read it in my head, nerves, anger and all, flowing through my veins.
“Julianna,
I’m sorry…”
My eyes widened with shock reading those two words.
“I am guilty of how awful our relationship has been. I admit that the way I have treated you your entire life was wrong and it’s time for me to be a man and confess that. I am currently missing out on someone real special with you and it’s my entire fault…”
I paused, with a numb shock pervading right through me.
“Is this real?” I asked myself as I continued to read.
“You may not see it at the moment I am writing this, but you truly are a special daughter. You have proven me wrong in that ring dozens of times. You’ve even become the world champion that I never thought you could be. I remember when you were little, you were always behind me. I neglected you on an emotional level, but you didn’t give up on me… until I began training you and I continued to push you away. My words toward you were uncalled for. I should’ve never called you a ‘bisexual deviant’. I should’ve never called you a ‘freak’. I was wrong for putting you down and calling you those names. Nothing between us was your fault, I want you to know that. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that you want nothing to do with me and that I deserve that.
I’m not asking you to forgive me… but I hope you do…”
I had a brief ‘why should I?’ moment in my head while I glanced back at my mother.
“Forgive you?” I said aloud with a scoff of disbelief. “After all you put me through?”
“Keep reading…” my mother encouraged.
“Forgive me for yourself, not for me. I take full responsibility for sabotaging your career as I did at the start. You were a psychological wreck because of me. I’ve been nothing but an anchor to you and I hope I won’t be much longer because you deserve better. You’ve got the brightest future ahead of you. You have turned me into a believer. If I never get the chance to be the dad you always wanted again, I only have myself to blame for that.
Good luck, kiddo.
Keep doing what you’re doing”
I placed the letter on my lap and looked back at my mother who could only smile as she knew I was done.
“See how special you are now?” she asked me.
I was still in a world of shock to answer for a few moments, but I finally gathered the strength to do so.
“I never thought this day would come…” I admitted with a sigh. “There was a part of me that always hoped he’d come around but I never imagined it would happen. Thank you for giving this to me when he died…”
My mother and I exchanged another embrace as the happiness continued to flow through me.
“You’re going to be a great champion…” she reassured me as she handed me my title back. We said our goodbyes as I stashed the letter in my purse and left the room. As I walked out of the hall, I began to experience an inner peace that I never imagined was possible…
Last Sunday
I was at my father’s grave, title belt and all. That letter hadn’t escaped my head just yet.
“Hold this for a moment…” I said as I put the title belt on his grave. The young lady in me that would always hate him and be bitter toward him no longer existed and I already knew that. It was a surreal feeling facing the biggest cause of my inner pain and insecurities one last time. But that championship belt on his grave gave me the courage to grow and finally do what I was about to do…
“Dad…” I said with a sigh. “I read your letter. Thank you. I’m happy that you owned up to your mistakes and all the pain you caused me. I am elated that you recognize that I was never at fault for how you treated me. But that championship that you’re holding now? I would’ve been sick to admit it a year ago, but for better or worse, I wouldn’t have done it without you. Regardless of what your intentions were, you did train me in the ring and I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. In this weird way… all of your hate toward me… all of your doubting… all of your abuse… it pushed me to prove you wrong and to be my best for so many years…”
I looked at his grave for a bit, giving into the temptation of briefly thinking of what things would be like if he were still here. It was a temptation, however, that I got over rather quickly.
“I forgive you daddy…” I said with a deep breath. “All the abuse, all the pain, all of the emotional… psychological self-destructions I went through because of you… I forgive you for all of it…”
A huge weight was already melting off of my shoulders.
“It’s time for me to let go and to move on with my life now. I’m finally beginning the healing process to repair all the damage that you caused me and I will always appreciate that letter that you wrote to me because that, to me, represents the one and only time you were the father I always wanted you to be when I was a little girl. My inner child can heal too and gosh, she really deserves that peace. It’s crazy how we’re more alike than I would ever want to admit. After all, when it comes to professional wrestling, we are the types of people that settle for nothing less than being the best… of never being satisfied with where we are because we always feel we can be better. You’d be proud of me right now, I know that… for what I just accomplished with my new world title… for what I am about to do with my reign… but really daddy…”
I actually smiled for a moment when I picked up the championship from his grave and slung it over my shoulder.
“What I’m proud and happy of right now is the fact that things didn’t end so badly between us after all. That letter just further reinforces the confidence that I have grown within myself since I won this championship… that I will continue to grow the longer I hold this. Through all the awful things, daddy… thank you for the positives you gave me to grow in my career… and goodbye…”
I turned and began to walk away from the grave. There were no tears, only relief. I was happy that at long last, I got to move on with my life and no longer felt the burden in my soul that my psychologically abusive father had put there for years.
I was at the most confident I had ever been in myself…
And come Sunday? It was about to be in full display…
Friday…
The camera was on me as I held the championship over my shoulder. A part of me wanted to be angry considering the circumstances, but I was calm and confident. Thinking about Courtney, her words, and her attitude didn’t even anger me too much at this point. I was even smiling with amusement. As I sat in the ring of my father’s burned down wrestling school that was still in tact, I thought about her words going into High Stakes… and how fucking amazing it felt to shut her the hell up…
“Courtney… who does this title belong to, huh? How much crow have you been eating the last two weeks? To describe your attitude about me as a whole for weeks going into High Stakes, basically…
You NEVER believed in me as a challenger… not that I needed you to because me believing in me is all that matters.
You wasted all this energy for WEEKS trying to bury me… trying to tell the world that I’m a nobody, that ‘nobody cares about me’, that I didn’t deserve the title shot… while you had Keira calling me a ‘weakling’...
You never even BOTHERED to get to know me as a professional wrestler and what I am all about when it comes to what goes on in that ring because you were too busy trying to put me in the same bucket as Bombshells that are no longer here while I knew all along that I was on a different level then they are…
You never BOTHERED to know me PERSONALLY and what I had been through before I got to SCW…
Instead, you tried to convince the world… and most damning… yourself, about how great you are and how you accomplished this and that all while playing the victim when things didn’t go your way to the point where all you did was bitch and moan about how nobody gave you respect. You decided you were too good to wrestle me. Your lack of knowledge about me showed in that ring when you didn’t see me trapping you in my armbar the way I did, when you were trying to slander me so bad making up all these opinions and assumptions about me out of thin air that NOBODY with a brain ever bought and when you even attributed the actions of a former Bombshell to me.
YOU are to blame for losing this championship to me. YOU did this to yourself. YOU put yourself in the hole and you’re about to bury yourself in it when I beat you again. If you were the kind of champion that you claim to be, you would admit that you were wrong about me the entire time. You would maybe even humble yourself and give me the respect you wouldn’t give me before and you would’ve learned your lesson to become a different, probably even a better wrestler. But INSTEAD… you’re bitching up a social media storm: “Mikah rule” this, “enjoy it for two weeks” that wanting this immediate rematch so damn badly and you might think that it makes you look tough, Courtney. You might think it makes you look like a champion with initiative. Well, there are two things wrong with your line of thinking…
One, if you really WERE a champion with initiative instead of being at home for two weeks before High Stakes and not even bothering to promote the match at hand, you wouldn’t feel the need to look like a champion with initiative…
And two? It doesn’t make you look tough… it makes you look DESPERATE… PATHETIC…. Really…
All because you could NEVER accept the fact that you were WRONG and I am willing to bet that even now, you STILL haven’t learned your lesson about me. I’m almost positive that when you open your mouth about me again, you’re going to double down on all the ‘nobody’ stuff that you tried to force down the throat for weeks and you’re going to find like 10 million different ways to cry ‘fluke’. Look Court… whether you win this match or not, High Stakes wasn’t a fluke. I PROVED that I am the real deal around here and it’s NOT my problem if you don’t want to admit that. You can go ahead and keep living in denial like I am sure you are because what I proved at High Stakes, other than everything you ever said about me being wrong, is that you always WERE the insecure person I thought you were. What happened at High Stakes was that your insatiable ego blew up in your face and you couldn’t handle it, so you were demanding this rematch on the spot….
And the crazy thing is… you never could’ve imagined it coming. NEVER! Your final words going in surely proved that. I mean girl… let’s take a trip down memory lane and show you how little your words meant in the end and how little they mean now.
‘Julianna was upset because she was desperate for attention…’ says the woman crying ‘two weeks. Rematch’ literally minutes after High Stakes aired. Listen, I’m more AMUSED than mad… because your words… your actions… honestly? They remind me of a younger me. Five years ago, I was like you: desperate for attention, desperate to do whatever it took for everyone else to be wrong, saying and doing whatever I could to get ahead because I hated the person that I saw in the mirror, trying to bury and put down everyone in front of me to compensate for my lack of inner adequacy…
Calling someone else a nobody? That was in my playbook.
Cracking so damn bad after being proven wrong? Effectively when you were crying instant rematch, the cracks really began to show. You’ve just got far too much pride to admit that you’re EMBARRASSED by the fact that you tapped out at High Stakes.
Now, I’m not saying that beating you was easy because it wasn’t… but in all honesty? I was facing a mirror version of my younger self and considering I know ALL of my younger self’s weaknesses, which you showed in SPADES with the delusion you were living in and with the lack of respect on my name that you had on me from the start, I knew exactly what it took to beat you. It’s crazy that when I came in here, I once saw you as the solution to the Bombshells division problem that was the same old people being on top. But after REALLY getting to know you? I realize that you were never the solution, but the microcosm of the problem. Listen to yourself and how you speak about me… how you basically made the argument that I didn’t deserve to be here because I didn’t come up through Go Gym or SCU.
And?
You want to know who else didn’t come up through those entities?
Amber Ryan and Masque De Lune… outsiders that shot up the ladder rather quickly in this company. Maybe not as fast as me, but still. That’s my point. How am I any less deserving than either of those two? You mind explaining that to me? Hell, look at yourself. Your rise to the title started with the Blast from the Past tournament and you had an impressive run to the final four on that. But what if you were a first round elimination, Courtney? I HIGHLY doubt you would’ve ever gotten that shot against Roxi to begin with so don’t sit there and BITCH about the fast track to the title because YOU had it too when you came back. Hell, let’s look back at when you DID get that title shot… using YOUR own words toward me…
Your title shot against Roxi was just as random as mine against you. When they picked YOU, they picked someone that… oh I don’t know… “doesn’t stand for anything?”...
They picked an… “attention seeker without substance”... which HA… that’s ALL YOU have ever been when it comes to me because if you listen to the shit you’re saying about me… stretching out bullshit like “nobody”, and “she doesn’t deserve it” without ANY substance to what you’re saying about me… hey pot, meet kettle.
And someone that “leaves the moment things don’t go their way”... and I have a hunch YOU just might do that when I beat you again.
But see, it’s words like that… that are the microcosm of the BIGGEST problem you had while you were the champion…
Instead of giving ME a chance, you choose to just put ME in the same bracket as other people that, in the grand scheme of things, aren't even relevant. You decided who I already was, what my destiny in this company was going to be and how my career here was going to go literally because... well... because what else do you have to talk about? You’re literally the definition of an INFERIORITY COMPLEX because YOU’RE the one that can’t be FUCKING BOTHERED to know your opponent because you’ve got your ego that far up your ass and so you resort to POORLY trying to bring down someone SUPERIOR to them. In the grand scheme of things, Courtney, you're just someone that likes to make shit up out of thin air and calling other people exactly what you are... to quote your own words: drama and disappointment.
“Drama” speaking for itself with all the whining you’ve been doing about being disrespected and “disappointment”... well…
I mean, before you won the championship, “disappointment” is all you ever were, right?
For how long? Five years? Yeah, I suppose I’d be an insecure, desperate, immature excuse of a woman and an SCW Bombshells World Champion too if I took your path. Just because you were the champion doesn’t mean you can automatically erase all the disappointment that you were prior to then for five fucking years and that it’s going to be swept under the rug like nothing.
…especially when in the grand scheme, you WERE a disappointment as a champion… or at the very least, High Stakes made you one in the end, right?
No really, when the best thing you have on me is ‘nobody cares about you’, that is MASSIVELY disappointing as someone who is supposed to be “THE ONE” and basing every argument… WEAK argument mind you… that you had to explain why you are ‘supposedly better’ than me… on a bunch of hubris and opinions. All you’ve ever had to say about me are empty opinions I proved wrong at High Stakes and the sad thing is, you’re not going to change your opinions or your tune about me because I KNOW YOU by now and when I was you, I stubbornly stuck to my stupid views no matter how many times I was proven wrong.
You’re not going to grow from High Stakes.
I’m going to beat you again just from that fact alone. You’re going to come in here crying about how my win was a ‘fluke’, being the victim, saying how ‘unfair’ it is that I got my title shot in the first place and you’re going to go on and on and on about how you’re going to ‘erase what happened’.
Sorry Courtney… beating me on Sunday isn’t going to erase what happened. On the grandest stage of them all, you not only lost, you TAPPED! You can’t erase that! You can’t erase the fact that I took all of your empty words and shoved them down your throat, giving you the fate in that ring that you so richly deserved. No matter how desperately and how badly you want to spin it, Courtney, High Stakes was not a fluke, or a miracle and it never WAS going to be a fluke or a miracle. You’ve become so fucking predictable that the one real miracle here is that you didn’t lose the championship sooner than you actually did!
I WANT to say that after I beat you again, you’re FINALLY going to grow the fuck up, finally live in reality and eat the damn crow you should’ve eaten to begin with… but we both know that you’re never going to do that when I win again on Sunday. You’re going to just repeat the same cycle that you always do: cry, complain, make excuses, call it a fluke, double down on what I’ve already proven wrong…
And in an environment where someone as injury prone as you can very easily get injured again, there’s a HELL of a lot more that you deserve coming to you in the worst way that I wasn’t allowed to deliver at High Stakes.
After I beat you again, think about everything you’ve ever said about me from “nobody” to “mediocre” to “attention seeker without substance” and anything in between… look in the damn mirror and ask yourself: am I talking about Julianna when I say these things? Or am I talking about me?
The answer will surprise you, Courtney. I almost want to pity you for how hollow, empty and self-loathing of a person you really are.
ALMOST…
But I won’t…
Not tonight…
Not on Sunday when I beat you again…
Because at the end of the day, this Sunday, whatever humiliation that you felt that pushed you to cry for an instant rematch… you’re about to feel it all over again! Convince yourself otherwise… but remember that if you were every bit as good as you desperately try to convince yourself you are every night, you wouldn’t feel the need to do so!
With that, I shut off my camera feeling just as confident as I was going into High Stakes if not moreso.
I held onto my title, feeling as ready as I’ve ever been to participate on the big stage in SCW as I did at High Stakes, before I disappeared from the ruins of my father’s old wrestling school and into the night.
