What do I do?
Winter was coming. Very slowly the warm breeze of spring was giving way to the oncoming reality. That winter was about to roll in. And living in New York, that meant snow and darkness. It meant long cold days. But it also meant staying inside in front of a roaring fire, it meant nights, watching television and relaxing. And it meant the holiday season. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s. It was all coming. And for the first time in two years, Austin was somewhat looking forward to it. Looking forward to spending time with his family. His entire family.
Austin now had Alicia in his life. Her kids, as Wellers his own. His sister and her son. They were all going to converge on his home for Thanksgiving, including his friends and family at wolfslair.
But, as spring rolled on, and we came through Halloween into November. Austin had a large shot of sadness run through his body. He was looking forward to something that he used to despise even before the death of his wife. Lisa had always loved this season. She loved everything about it. The snow, the food, spending time with family. She loved hunkering down and eating rich foods while chatting to everyone who was around her. She liked to be the center of attention and socialize. Something that Austin hated.
So why did he now look forward to it? The guilt started to pour on. There was only one thing he could do. He needed guidance, he needed to talk. And there was only one person who he could talk to. But he needed to do it alone.
He walked through the large gates. Large stone pillars on either side of the road, held up the black metal. His heavy leather boots stomped along the concrete as he moved past all the ornate, and some of them, at least, very old, gravestones, and tombstones. He shook his head and took a deep breath, turning and moving down a familiar path. One he had walked down many times over the last two years.
But as every step brought him closer to his destination, the guilt and sadness screw. The, normally very stoic. Austin now seemed all more human. He took a deep breath, running a hand through his wavy brown hair that had grown a little longer since he had decided to cut it. His face adorned with a 5 o’clock shadow, still not the full be that we used to see. But, he was wearing the more modern clothing that we had seen him in. Gone with a simple T-shirts and jeans. Gone with the suits. Now it was leather jackets, white button up shirts, black jeans, with black leather belt, buckles, and black biker boots.
This was not the Austin that Lisa would’ve remembered.
Would she have still loved him? It was a question that he’d asked himself a lot since he started to change. It wasn’t a change out of want or need, it was a change out of necessity. When Lisa had passed away, Austin needed to become cold as ice. Hardest stone. As I’m feeling and I’m thinking as the weather. But just as temperamental. He needed to become something different. Someone different. But, now, Lisa wouldn’t recognise him. Is he the kind of man that she would chosen to raise her children? All of these questions had weighed heavy on him over the last couple of months. he had buried them, deep down in the pit of his stomach. He had tried to forget. And when he was with her, it was easier.
Alicia helped him forget, Alicia helped him feel human and made him feel like it was okay to not be okay. She had gone through all of that pain as well. And her pain somehow dulled his pain. They were the perfect couple together. Knowing where they wanted to be in life, seeing the bad side of relationships in the evil side of other human beings, and knowing that they never wanted to cause that kind of pain for someone else ever again. They just wanted to be happy. But now, Austin was walking toward his dead wife’s grave, and all he could feel was guilt. Guilt that he had changed, guilt that he had somehow helped the people who took Lisa’s life take another one. Even if that life was responsible for her death in around about way.
His heart felt like it was going to explode out of his chest.
He came to a stop, turning to his left, and looking down at the tasteful, yet modest Tombstone in front of him. Two small, concrete flower holders sat full on either side. Amy had been here, bringing Austin‘s children with her to lay flowers. Every two weeks for the last two years. Austin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. As he exhaled, it seem to stutter, he felt like he needed to gasp for air and bring more in.
He swallowed hard and opened his eyes. They traced over the words. Her name. Lisa and Mercer. Beloved mother, beloved wife, saving angel.
Words that Austin had asked to be transcribed onto it. Because that’s what she was. An angel. He pushed out and exhaled letting out a deep sighi, slowly, dropping down and crouching in front of her grave, with a slow shake of his head. Unsure of what he needed to say. ”Hey Lisa, sorry I haven’t…haven’t visited as much as I should. You uh, you should know, Alicia and I are together…and….I know you would have wanted me to…”move on”, but…” Austin paused, taking a deep breath, this was hard, harder than he thought it would be. ”I haven’t….”
He swallowed hard again and looked down, his hands picking up a small yellow flower spinning it between his thumb and forefinger. ”I love our kids, I love her kids and….I love Alicia, I do. But moving on is not what anyone ever thinks it is. I’ll light a candle for you, remind our kids you loved them….I miss you….”
He took a few moments, staring at her Tombstone with a small shake of his head. He stood back up, placing the flower in one of the small concrete holders. He smiled, just a small smile. Turning and moving back toward the entrance. He felt better. The type of person Lisa was, she wouldn’t of wanted Austin to be sad, to feel guilty. She would’ve wanted him to try and enjoy himself and be happy. And that’s what he was going to do. He was going to try and be happy. Every day, every breath, he was going to live for her.
Both Losers
”Well, this isn’t exactly something that I wanted to do.”
Austin lost to himself, shaking his head before throwing his hands in the air and sitting back.
”I wanted my first appearance after high-stakes to be me standing here proudly with the SCW world championship slung over my shoulder. I wanted to be able to tell you all that I did it, that I regained the title that I lost so many years ago. And I get it, a lot of people say I’m living in the past. People like Jack Washington love to throw that in people’s faces time and time again. Anyone who has had a long enough Paris in this company, bringing anything up they’ve done is living in the past. And maybe I am, maybe I am relying too much on what I’ve done over the last few years instead of what I can do now.
Maybe I need to try and regain that killer instinct I had. Which I’ve been trying to do. But the truth is? I’ve lost a step. I’m not as good as I once was. And the killer instinct I have been showing And the things that I’ve been doing have been to compensate for that. I went after miles to try and make him a better professional wrestler. I went off on Miles because I thought Carter was his weak point. I want after Alexander Raven because I thought that he shouldn’t be in this company. And the truth is? I was wrong.
Both Carter and Alexander prove that they belong in the main event scene of this company. They both showed that they could’ve been world champion. If J2H haden’t have won.
I was wrong about so many things. And part of me believes now that I don’t even belong here. I spent so much time over the last couple of months, telling people that I am still at big bad Austin. And trust me, there are many people in this company. I have no sympathy or empathy for. I am more than willing to grab a hold of someone’s face and smash it through glass window just because I feel like it. I am more than willing to try and break someone’s arm or break someone’s leg, just to make sure that I win. But, am I as good as I once was?
No.
No, I’m not.”
Austin chuckles and shakes his head again, looking to the side with a contemplative glare before looking back forward.
”The truth is, I don’t think I belong here any more. I don’t think I’m good enough to be here any more. And I don’t want to be like some others in this company. I don’t want to be like Mercedes Vegas, I don’t want to be like Samantha Marlowe, I don’t want to be like Bill Barnhardt. Jesse Salco. I don’t want to be like these names who have come into this company who have had moments in the sun and been the best that this company had to offer only to lose themselves, and become a parody of what they once were.
I don’t want that. So now I’m questioning whether or not I should. And I’m sure a lot of you were sitting there thinking that I’m feeling sorry for myself. Something to Goth, I opponent this week, will probably pick up on and think it’s hilarious. But the sad fact is that sometimes you outgrow places and sometimes places outgrow you and I think that SinCity wrestling has outgrown Austin James Mercer. Alicia isn’t wrestling as much as she was, Alex is spending so much time at the gym. Then I think he is contemplating being completely retired. Joanna went back to Germany. And while we have so many young up-and-coming is at that gym I don’t think they need someone like me in their way in this company.
I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I can see that maybe, just maybe it’s time for Austin James Mercer to go away for awhile.
Now.
Does that mean that I’m gonna simply rollover and allow Goth to get a win over me?”
Austin pause is waiting for an answer to the question that will likely never come. Instead, he puts his hands on his knees and pushes up, towering over where the camera is before. It slowly rises to a point where it’s at least a chest level.
”No. I’m not just going to roll over. I’m not just gonna let Gauff beat me and stomp off, saying that he was able to beat the Judys that he hated so much going in the high-stakes. And by the way, calling me a Judas? That’s rich coming from you. I want to be very clear on this. Just because I’m questioning my position in this company in the wrestling ward large doesn’t mean that I’m still not gonna go into that match with every intention of winning. Because what would be an even bigger insult?
Would the insult be me lying over and letting you get a win? Or would it be a bigger insult that I beat you as I’m questioning my validity as a performer and professional wrestler? The truth is self-doubt is healthy. He keeps you honest. So many others in this company don’t have that. You being one of them Goth. You don’t have that self-doubt, you just shuffle all of your doubts and all of your feelings and everything alright under the rug and you never address them. You like so many others in this company, I detached from the reality of the situation.
The reality that right now none of us are as good as we should be. None of us are living up to the potential. And the few that are? They overtook us along time ago. Carter, Alexander, Miles Kasey, even Jack Washington, while he lost, still show the world what he is capable of. Our people like you and me? We should not be in the conversation for championship matches.”
His nostrils flare as he paces back-and-forth.
”If this is indeed my last ride, I’m going to make Damn sure that I do everything I can to go out with my hands raised. However, if you do happen to beat me? I’ll do what I always do. I’ll show you the respect that you have earned and the respect that you deserve because unlike most people in this company, I still know what that word means. I know what it is to celebrate a win by respecting the person who you beat. I know what it is, by respecting a loss and respecting the person who beat you and then feeling it deep down in your soul. Too many others in this company, just take losses and then don’t take them to heart and don’t let her goddamn thing. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of this entire system that is chewing people up and spitting them out and make him not care any more.
And that’s the problem, I do care. And in this match, Goth I’m gonna make. Damn sure you care too.”
