[Ms. Rocky Mountains is kicking this interview old-school: she and the Aristocrats are standing in front of an obvious green screen, of a rolling beach far, far away from Vegas.]
[For some reason, “Big” Steve Scanlon and Hangman Hawkins are doing this, wearing outrageously-loud Hawaiian shirts over their usual ring gear. Steve’s wearing Ray-Bans, Hangman’s wearing a scowl. He’s clearly taking his medicine (for getting pinned last time), but doesn’t have to like it.]
[Rocky, for her part, is playing along- apparently doing a “Baywatch” tribute, in shorts and a tanktop. Little smudge of that white zinc stuff across the bridge of her nose.]
Ms Mountains: Hello! This is Ms. Rocky Mountains for SCW- here, on location, with what some people are calling “the Hottest New Tag Team
in SCW”-
[Rocky, looking at Steve, silently gives a ‘nah’ to the idea that Scanlon’s the hottest
anything, but she continues. Steve jumps in, gives us the Shaka hand gesture, and starts in- speaking an incredibly air-headed sounding “ ’90s Kid” surfer/valley accent.]
Scanlon: All-RIGHT! S’up, brahs and bradies- check it! Its me, Scanlon, Steve- the BIG Kahuna, and I’m here with my ginormous wingman, Hangman Hawkins!
DUUUDE![He turns and puts up a hand for Hangman to ‘five’. Hangman,consistently enough… leaves him hanging.]
Hangman (deadpan): “
DUDE.”
[Steve turns back, undeterred, and talks to the camera, in fluent, bad surferese.]
Scanlon: And- oh, and we’re The
Aristocrats, by the way? “
Whatever”, right? Okay! We’re here to tell everyone how TOTALLY amped we are for this next
C.C., you know? Me and my brosiah, here are
totally jonesing to barnie with those gremmy Surf Boys- we're so totally gonna pull
mad action! MAN, it's gonna be sweet! Narly! Radical! Don't you go stressin’ it though, waxboys! It's
not gonna be a grind, it's gonna be a
hella anklesnapper! Ya feel me?!”
[Steve makes dual ‘devil horns’ and grin, then turns again to Hangman, clearly enjoying this part..]
Scanlon: Hey,
Hawkman!
Whatcha think?
You sweatin’ the speedbumps?
Hangman (close to the end of his fuse, but still game): "
CHYAH. AS IF."
Scanlon: Too
right, brosiah! Too
right! And I have just one question for these heroes....
[Steve whips the Hawaiian shirt off, and spikes his specs. Hangman, not wanting to 'do whatever Scanlon does', is stuck wearing the shirt and glowering.]
Scanlon: What the Pluperfect, Technicolor HELL does any of this Gidget crap have to do with
WRESTLING?!
[The camera pulls back, revealing that we’re not on a beach- not even in an SCW studio, but the inside of
Mermaids Casino in downtown Vegas, possibly one of the most cheesy/awesome- things on Earth. Steve’s on a tear now. ]
Scanlon: What- in your
entire lives -has prepared you for the caliber of disaster you've invited into your lives, by stepping through the ropes with the Providence Steamroller and the Hangman himself?
Ms Mountains: Well, they DO have a reputation for making things happen out there…
Scanlon: OH yeah- I’ve heard of
that. The “Accident Thing”. Well, you what, Miz Janet-
Ms Mountains (correcting): “Rocky”.
Scanlon (not even slowing): “Doctor Scott!” Guess what?
WE make accidents happen,
too! We've got more tricks than the Bunny Ranch-we've done more moves than
U-Haul! And I bet OUR brand of accident’s A BIT more drastic than theirs!
Do you EVEN know who you're dealing with? We're
the Aristocrats! We END CAREERS without MEANING TO! We make men
cry, women
sigh, and doctor’s bills
pile real high! We've got the Hangman- a tombstone hand and a graveyard mind, and me- the one-and-only Streetfightin', Headlinin', Specimen of Manhood. We're a double-barrel shotgun of pain and when we click on both barrels- BOOYAH-!
We've got
you. One through three, quick as can be.
What’ve
they got up their sleeve, 'sides goofy hair and glob of Doctor Zod's? Looks like ‘less-than-a-pair’ from where I’m standing!
Hangman: Be fair, Steve. They
can take a wipeout.
[Steve nods- the pushed-out lower lip nod that says “fair enough…”]
Scanlon: Good point, Hangman- they can put their skills at crashing at inhuman speeds to good use, when we
put a crimp in their day.
[He realizes something, and brightens.]
Hey, wait! if we beat 'em QUICK enough, they can go SURRRRF! Hang on, I'll ask! Whatcha think?
[Steve turns to Hawkins. Hangman ponders, then passes sentence.]
Hangman: "Hang
ten?" "Hang
loose?" I say they’ll just
HANG.[With an faux shrug, Steve turns back to the camera.]
Scanlon: Well guys, looks like it's just NOT gonna be your night. Sorry!
[With that, he and Hangman walk off-set, as a unit. Hangman, finally done with the shirt, spikes it to the floor disgustedly. For her part, Rocky looks off-put… then signals for a frozen drink.]
Ms Mountains: With Scanlon’s attitude, and Hangman’s anger issues- I’d say the Surf Boys could be in for a
VERY bad day at the beach. For SCW, I’m Ms. Rocky Mountains.
[Her drink just arrived. She waves us off.]
