July 2, 2021
“I don’t care about the fact that you tortured me the way you did years ago in GCW…” my protege Chelsea LeClair told me as we met in the basement of my Miami home. “...I don’t care if this “practice match” we’re going to have after your tag match on Sunday is just a practice match for both of us. When we have that practice match the Tuesday after that, Don’t you dare go easy on me!”
I wasn’t thinking too much about this practice match with Chelsea despite the fact that she’s a world champion in her own right. I merely nodded in acknowledgement as my mind was more focused on the upcoming tag team match and of course, the big match itself.
“What I want out of this is learning how to be a champion against all comers and what you’re getting out of it is getting that feeling of facing a world champion with a title ‘on the line’. I get that you’re about to step into probably the biggest challenge of your life and that you may be hesitant and you may worry about hurting me like you did before, but don’t hold back on me.”
Again, I was thinking quite heavily about what was to come and Chelsea was smart enough to notice.
“Wow… you're really thinking hard about Summer XXXtreme…” Chelsea said, before standing up knowing that this wasn’t the time to talk to me. “...I hope that when we have our practice match, you’re ready, willing and able to give me your best because I’m going to bring my VERY best against you!”
Again, I nodded at Chelsea with acknowledgement and at that point, she sighed and left me alone to my own internal thoughts about what was to come.
“I’ve wanted this for so long…” I thought to myself. “I had to struggle quite a bit to get this match with Amber at Summer XXXtreme. It sure as hell wasn’t the best feeling in the world when I had to watch someone else experience something I wanted…”
At this point, I began to think about the night of Into the Void where I wasn’t quite celebrating the fact that I had defeated Roxi Johnson…
Into the Void…
“I thought you’d celebrate tonight…” my sister Adrianna told me in my Saxon hotel suite as we watched the main event of the show with Amber Ryan defending the title against Ruby Steele.
“Soon…” I told Adrianna. “Right now, I’m taking care of business… you know, watching someone else experiencing the match that I’ve been wanting for a long time.”
“Blast from the Past still stings a little, huh?”
I winced slightly, indicating that this was exactly the case.
“As happy as I am that I beat Roxi and that I’m going to have a 300 day championship reign from this, I can’t get rid of that sinking feeling inside of my heart that I should be wrestling that match right now.”
Adriajnna sits next to me at the edge of my bed and grabs one of my hands showing some comfort and support for me.
“I understand that it stings. But the important thing is that you bounced back from Blast from the Past and that you made history. I get it. You want Amber in that ring and you want her bad. The more time passes and the longer you’ve got to wait, the more you hunger for it. I think it’s as clear as day who you would want to see win, right?”
“Like I’m going to root for the idiot that backdoored her way to a title win in the finals…” I said with an amused eye roll. “Of course I am going to want Amber to win. Beyond this match, other than me, can you honestly tell me an obvious title contender?”
Adrianna shakes her head. “The PRETENDER trying to beat Amber so badly right now won’t even be relevant after Amber takes care of her. It’s only a matter of time.”
Sure enough, it was only about a minute after Adrianna’s words when Amber would wind up winning the match. Seeing this outcome brought a smile to my face, which Adrianna noticed right away.
“You sure as hell got what you wanted…”
“I did. The one match in this company that I truly want more than any other match right now is still alive. I know in my heart that having that match could wind up being the match of my career, so to speak. But now that we’ve both taken care of our own business… I should probably consider making that move now. I can’t see anyone other than me being the most viable challenger to her. I’m happy that she gets to celebrate tonight… but soon, sis… real soon. I’m thinking the time’s almost here to take the initiative…”
Just like I did backstage at Blaze of Glory, I was watching Amber Ryan celebrate a victory in a world championship match as a supercard ended. This only lit the fire in me even more to get that match that I wanted… and a match that as of my victory over Christina Rose, I know that I have…
July 2nd
I stopped reflecting on Amber’s title defense that night and then really began to weigh the magnitude of exactly what I was getting myself into at Summer XXXtreme.
“When I first arrived in Sin City Wrestling…” I began to think to myself, “I could’ve never dreamed of this scenario. But here we are! Winner take all. Summer XXXtreme. On that night, I not only get to mark my 350th day as the SCW Bombshells Internet Champion, but it’s also going to be my 37th birthday. I’ll be facing the one woman in this company that I would consider my greatest rival. Of all of the big names I’ve beaten since I came here, Amber was the hardest one. Title for title. Pressure is going to be on. This WILL be the biggest match of my career. Shit… I’ve thought that to myself before…”
At this point, I paused my thoughts going through my deep, mental catalogue of all the matches I’ve ever fought over the years and I remember a time that I was in a similar pressure situation. My heart immediately sank because I knew I was going to face something that wasn’t going to be fun.
“...right, my last match, pre-retirement, eight years ago. Amber Ryan is my biggest rival now, but I remember when I was in an all or nothing match with someone else that I considered my biggest rival at the time. It was my supposed last wrestling match ever, I just found out that I was pregnant with Kimberly, it was PRW’s final show and I represented that company with pride, honor and dignity twice as its world champion and I got a chance to give myself, and the company a happy ending… and yet… I failed… but why? That’s something I’ve never sat down and thought about…”
This was the point when I really began to think about it for the first time, eight years long overdue…
April 24, 2013
Ten in the morning. A last breakfast in the PRW locker room. Adrianna and my then-husband Ricky, Kimberly’s father, were with me. I was sweating bullets knowing that I was wrestling the biggest match of my career at that point. I was completely distant and not talking to anyone all morning before Ricky and Adrianna finally got me alone and confronted me.
“This is all or nothing for me…” I explained to them.
“It doesn’t need to be…” Adrianna said, trying to reassure me.
“If I win, I will retire as a world champion and I will give my baby something to be proud of when it’s born. But if I lose… I’m already a failure of a parent…”
“Honey, don’t say that…” Ricky said, caressing my cheek as he too, tried to calm me down. However, I just wasn’t having it.
“Neither of you understand the pressure of being a wrestler, of being in a match like this. If I lose this match, I will let down not just the whole company and everyone coming on me to beat the most vile person in PRW’s existence, but I will let you down as a sister… I let you down as a fiance… I let our baby down as a mother… and those are crosses that I can’t bear. I would be going into retirement feeling like my whole career and everything that I stand for as far as this business is concerned means nothing…”
“Myra, you’re putting far too much pressure on yourself.” Adrianna reminds me. “This one match shouldn’t, and won’t, define your whole career. Even if worse comes to worse, it’s not going to tarnish nor ruin the legacy that you’re going to leave behind in that ring.”
Adrianna’s reassurance is falling on deaf ears at this point as I still felt that enormous weight on my shoulders.
“How can you be sure?” I asked her.
“Honey, it’s going to be fine.”
“If I lose, it won’t be!” I said with a sigh. “Listen, I need to be alone right now. I can’t have you two distracting me. This is the match of my LIFE and the ONE match that IS going to define my whole career no matter how much you say otherwise.”
“Myra…” Adrianna said with an annoyed sigh.
“PLEASE?”
Adrianna sighed again as she and Ricky began to leave the room. I was all on my own for the remainder of that terrible day in Phoenix, the pressure growing on me as the day went on. I went into my final match in PRW fearing failure. By the time the bell even rang, I had already psyched myself out of that match and I didn’t even realize it.
July 2nd
“Maybe I would’ve won that match if I didn’t put so much damn pressure on myself…” I thought to myself. That last match in PRW was definitely not a comforting thing to think about but at the same time, it wasn’t bothering me as much as it used to. “I put all of my emotions on the line. I factored in every bit of meaning that I could into that match. I thought about the company. I thought about Kimberly. I worried about being a failure to her. I worried about letting down the company. I had filled my head with so much worry, so much pressure, so much doubt… and I screwed myself over. Is this the reason why every time I have the opportunity to take the final step, more often than not, I fall short? Did I put too much pressure on myself in the Blast from the Past final and is that why I fell short in that too?”
These thoughts were really running through my head and at that point, even though it was incredibly difficult to come to terms with it because of my own pride more than anything, what I was coming to terms with was the truth.
“Yes…” I thought to myself. “That’s one of the reasons why. Just about every single time I’m in a match the magnitude of what I am going to be involved with at Summer XXXtreme, I always do that to myself and I need to stop screwing myself up before I even begin. That’s why I failed eight years ago and I know that if I make the same mistake again, I’m going to lose at Summer XXXtreme too… yet, this is not the first title for title match I’ve ever wrestled either…”
My mind immediately jumped to the last match of my Carnage Wrestling career.
“I remember it well…” I thought. “The last match I had in Carnage was a title for title match against their dominant champion in Jack Michaels. God, that sounds WAY too familiar. It was my last match either way in that company because I had grown so sick of it for reasons that are stupid and my own fault. It’s pretty damn obvious why I lost that one…”
In my own mission of continuing to learn from my past mistakes, I flashed back to that fateful day that would be my last in Carnage Wrestling in the hours prior to that massive title match that I had also considered to be the biggest match of my career at that point.
March 2020
“I am going to take that title from him…” I said with anger to Scotty, the son of the man that trained me and Adrianna’s fiance. “You have no idea how determined I am to win that. I not only want to win that championship from him, I want to end that sorry son of a bitch’s career too. I want to reign as THE best wrestler that Carnage Wrestling is going to miss out on when I have BOTH of their top titles and I leave with them as a complete middle finger to them for the way they marginalized me for PARAGON and their never ending GARBAGE! The biggest ‘FUCK YOU’ message I can send to them is destroying one of their most valued, precious wrestlers, ending his career and LEAVING as the world champion!”
Scotty didn’t respond at first, almost as if he was in disbelief that I would even go into what I considered the biggest match of my career with the mindset that I did.
“And that’s your focus, Myra?” he asked me. “Sticking it to people that you hate? You want to win the title just to give them a final ‘fuck you’ as you so eloquently put it? It’s not making Kimberly proud of you, or maximizing your full potential or realizing your biggest moment as a professional wrestler?”
“That’s great and all, but the mission is what matters and the mission that matters is putting an END to the stupid Paragon machine that has LONG overstayed its welcome and that is a mission that I am going to accomplish in SPADES as a LESSON to everyone watching that you DON’T have to accept the status quo!”
The anger and months of frustration were really beginning to pour through me now. Little did I know that said anger was about to grow.
“If that’s really the case Myra…” Scotty began. “Then I’m going to tell you what’s going to happen… and if my father was alive he’d tell you the same thing…”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“You’re going to lose.”
“EXCUSE ME?” I asked with rage in my voice. “WOW! Way to lose faith in me!”
“My father constantly drilled it into that thick skull of yours that you never wrestle a match for the wrong reason and that you never fight a championship match for personal gain above what truly matters in the sport. You’re taking those lessons and you’re flushing them down the river, Myra! If that promo you did going in wasn’t ridiculous enough…”
“You’re wrong, Scotty! Yeah, your dad taught me what you mentioned, but I AM fighting for the right reasons! I’m fighting a status quo that needs to be brought down!”
“With that attitude, you’ll never win these big matches that you’ve been so pissed off about falling short in…”
Scotty didn’t say another word before he walked away from me. This just made me angrier as I went into that title for title match in my last match in Carnage Wrestling and that anger would completely blind me to the fact that Scotty was absolutely right. On my last night in that company, once again, in that type of big match situation, I would fall short…
July 2nd
“I deserved to fall short in that match…” I reflected. “Fighting with anger and bitterness in my heart over the stupidest thing… It wasn't just Carnage where that brought me down, it was every wrestling company I wrestled for between PRW and SCW. I had anger and bitterness in my heart toward Ruby Steele in the Blast from the Past finals over some of the most garbage shit she’s ever said about me and while it wasn’t a LOT, it was enough to weigh me down. It weighed me down for years when I went almost six between world title reigns. It weighed me down in UWA when I was focused on being better than a certain person that didn’t deserve my full attention in the first place. It weighed me down in GCW, where I should’ve realized my full potential, but didn’t. I’m realizing it now, better late than never…
But when it comes to the ‘biggest matches of my career’, whether it’s because I put too much pressure on myself or whether it’s because I fight it for the wrong reasons, I’ve always fallen short...and I know exactly what I’ve missed all along: the ability to tune out all of my emotions in the moment and wrestle these matches with ice water flowing through my veins. It’s a zen that very few wrestlers ever learn to have and now more than ever? It’s my time to learn just that! It’s my time to finally fill in that missing piece to the puzzle of myself as a professional wrestler… and this match that I’m about to turn the camera on for is the perfect ‘guinea pig’ of sorts to really begin to learn that zen that’s been missing for all these years…”
Once again, learning from my past mistakes has done me some good. I stood up and began to set up the camera in my basement of accomplishments and accolades. I had the camera focus on a poster of a random cruise ship, pun intended, and when I turned it on and stepped right in front of it, zen was exactly what I was as I vocally expressed my thoughts.
“It’s official now. Summer XXXtreme. Title for title. Amber and I are going to duke it out in what is going to be one of the biggest matches in the history of the Bombshells division. There aren't too many of them anymore, but my old critics are starting to come out of hiding, reminding the world that I’ve failed more often than not in a HUGE match like the one I am going to have in a couple of weeks. And yes, those failures are something that I am going to have to face up to, but as far as this tag team match is concerned? Yeah, it’s a huge match and a main event to say the least. It’s going to be a Summer XXXtreme preview of sorts. The spotlight is going to be on all of us and there’s all the talk about the stipulation of wanting to have the last match slot on the card. I get that. A match like this is a match that I would constantly lose earlier in my career because the old Myra would go into a match like the one we’re going to have on Sunday and go ‘I HAVE TO WIN! I HAVE to have one up on Amber and have the momentum going into this match because I don’t, there’s no way I am beating her.’
Sorry Mac, sorry Amber, no matter how tempting it may be, and no matter how much you both MAY want to see me fall into that same old trap again, that’s not going to happen. I’m not breaking a sweat about this match. I’m not going into this match thinking that I HAVE to have the last match on the card slot. Sure, it’d be phenomenal, I am not going to deny that. But if I go into this match obsessed with that, then I’m not just doing myself a disservice as the wrestler that I am, I am doing my tag team partner a disservice too because putting that pressure on myself? It’s going to drag me down and it’s going to drag him down too! I know both of you too well though! Mac is not only going to HUNGER for that momentum, he’s going to hunger for revenge on Mark Cross for the fact that Mark pinned him in the finals. Mac’s a stubborn ass… I mean that in a good way… and I know he’s always going to be driven to get some momentum and to get one up on ANYONE that he considers a threat. In the same vein, Amber is as well. I KNOW she’s REALLY going to want that validation because Amber’s biggest strength AND biggest weakness is just that. She’s going to want to CONTINUE to validate herself as a world champion and win this match because validation is a DRUG to her. She can’t stop having it! Not even winning the world title and retaining it in the times that she has is validation enough for her.
I can’t stand here with a straight face and say that Amber would be okay with taking a backseat to ANYONE in this company… because she and I both know that she wouldn’t, even if the person that she would be taking a backseat to if one of the boys gets the pinfall is Mac himself.
You two WANT that main event slot and you WANT to win this match for that. You’re already putting pressure on yourselves for that reason alone but me? I’m not even thinking about that stipulation. I’m not even thinking about momentum going into Summer XXXtreme. ALL I’m thinking about is finding a way for Mark and I to come out on top of this incredibly tough match. I’m not fighting this match to inflate my ego and brag about how I beat Amber going into our big match because I don’t need to do that. I’m not fighting this for momentum because what good is the ‘momentum’ going into that match if you wind up being the loser of the damn thing?
Amber herself had the WORST momentum she could possibly have going into Blaze of Glory and she STILL defeated Christina Rose for the championship. So why should I put SO much pressure on myself with this match and act like it’s life or death? Why should I continue to make the same damn mistake that I’ve made over and over and over again in my long career with this match and with Summer XXXtreme? This is going to sound pretty basic, I admit that, but this match for me? It’s about continuing to show that I can be the best wrestler that I can be and that I am still on track to maximize my full potential as a professional wrestler. It’s about continuing to do right by this company and by this business by giving them a performance in a big match situation that they can be wowed by. That’s what it is about, Mac and Amber. You two, knowing how you two think, in one form or another, you’re already thinking ahead to Summer XXXtreme too much too soon. I get it, because Summer XXXtreme is on my mind too. However, the biggest difference is that unlike you two, I’m still taking this one match at a time.
Sure, the spotlight. Sure, the momentum that’s at stake. Sure, the opportunity to secure THE main event spot. I get it. It can really throw off any wrestler and it can really make them lose their focus and with you two and the propensity that you both have of getting in your own respective ways at times, you two are the most vulnerable of anyone in this match to lose sight of what matters and that’s exactly why I feel that Mark and I are going to win. You two are fighting this match for personal gain in the form of wanting that Summer XXXtreme main event spot. That’s what is going to weigh you down. Take it from someone that has fallen short time and time again in a big match situation because of ALSO making that same mistake time and time again. You are both incredibly great wrestlers and you’re both incredibly brilliant at what you do but the one advantage that I would have over both of you is that I’m learning what you two haven’t even BEGUN to learn and that’s maintaining a harmonial, emotional balance when it comes to a match like this. The way to be a winner in a main event such as this and a main event such as Summer XXXtreme is to master the art of having a powerful zen that keeps your emotions in check, that keeps you focused, that keeps you on the right track to success, that keeps you fighting for the right reasons, that keeps the pressure off of you, that has you focusing on the moment and not the consequences of the worst case scenario. You two are too stubborn to admit it, but with everything that I just mentioned?
To SOME degree?
It’s a weakness both of you carried…
And hell, these are weaknesses I’ve carried for practically my whole career. You two have fought with anger and bitterness in your hearts before, just like I have. For as great as you are, you both have always come off as burdened souls to me. Knowing that I’ve thought the way I have in similar situations in the past, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re both overthinking the potential consequences of losing this match. We all know what those consequences are: for the losers of this match, they are going into Summer XXXtreme with the momentum disadvantage and for ONE of the losers, they don’t get to properly main event the show. It’s crossed your minds, I am almost sure of it. Yeah, that crossed my mind. I won’t bullshit about that. But do you see me going into this thing being obsessed with that? Because those are the farthest two things from my own mind. I’m smart enough and strong enough to know that no matter what happens on Sunday, it does not, and it will not, determine who wins at Summer XXXtreme between Amber and I. I spent my whole career burdening myself with matches like this. I remember there was a time or two in recent years where I would go into a title match or a title defense on a Pay-Per-View and there would be a match that I had JUST before, where I went into it thinking “I’ve GOT to win! I HAVE to win! I HAVE to have momentum. I HAVE to get the last word on my enemy before we face off in the match that really counts.”
I couldn’t even begin to tell you an exact number of how many times I would lose those matches because I sunk myself before the match started. I couldn’t even begin to tell you the story about how a few years ago, in a different company, I was hellbent on breaking down a woman that happened to ALWAYS be in my way and ALWAYS made sure I’d never get to the level that I wanted to be at in that company. I'll at least tell you how the story ended. I NEVER got the better of that woman in UWA because every time I faced her, I ALWAYS sunk myself because I was ALWAYS too focused on the consequences of defeat such as how I’d be perceived in the company and how she was always going to be in my way and how I was never going to get to where I wanted to be. That’s just an example of what I’m talking about. I’ve learned my lesson from making mistakes like that and because of that?
I’m sure as hell NOT thinking that I have to have momentum and I have to have the last word on Amber before Summer XXXtreme. Why should I? To throw off my own focus and risk losing that? And then compound my mistake by dwelling on having no momentum at all and sinking my own confidence?
Hell with that!
I’m going to show up on Sunday to win, there’s no denying that. I’m going to give it everything I have like I do for every match but this Sunday, I am going to give you all a preview of what Myra Rivers is like as a complete wrestler now that I’ve finally figured out the missing piece of the puzzle as to how I’m going to maximize my full potential at last by winning the World Championship at Summer XXXtreme. I’m fighting this match for what I believe are the right reasons. No pressure, no fighting for the wrong reasons, no worrying about the consequences, nop looking ahead to the biggest match of my career just yet. Mark and I are going to win on Sunday because I’m going to be focused on THIS match and all I can do within it to further show how ready I am to complete my journey and to maximize and realize the potential I’ve always had as a professional wrestler.
This is the final battle before the ultimate battle that counts in the end… and for the right reasons in my heart, it’s a battle that I plan on ensuring that Mark and I win. This Sunday? You’re all getting a small taste of what a complete Myra Rivers is capable of…
With that fire and determination in my heart, I shut off the camera carrying a determination and a drive in me to be the very best I’ve ever been as a professional wrestler.
