Session 21:Find my way
”Empty..”
”Empty?”
She repeated the single word back to her. A litmas test to guage where Alicia was seems to have gone wrong. The question was simple. In one word describe how she feels in her personal life now. She sat in Whitlows office, the sight was so familiar to her now that Alicia would notice the smallest differences. A picture moved here, a new writing pad there. She sighed and shook her head, she knew that the good doctor would want her to elaborate. A deeo feeling of regret ran through her veins. She could of lied.
Why didn’t I lie?”
It would have been so easy. Just blurt out a word, any word. Happy,. Awkward. Sad. Anything except Empty. But it was done now, She had no choice. She sat up straight, adjusting her shirt as she cleared her throat. Electing to sit on the chair across from Whitlow instead of lay on the couch was a subliminal choice. She wanted to be viewed more as an equal having a conversation instead of a patient. Or client.
”It’s a feeling that didn’t go away. It was there from the end of it to now…it started when..” She paused and clenched her jaw, swallowing and taking a sharp inhale through her nose, holding onto the breath as a way to stop herself from crying. After a few seconds the feeling passed, her stomach released and she looked down and away before continuing. ”It started the day after he left…when I came home.” She ran her hands through her hair. Dr Whilow shuffled in her seat, uncrossing her right leg from her left and switching them.
Alicia looked up from the floor, the floor that had changed. Her mind flickering away from the empty pain that the Doctor wanted her to focus on to the fact the hardwood floors that had looked clean and pristine had now become faded and the shine had gone. They looked aged, fractured, almost like termites had gotten to them Dr Whitlows voice broke through the haze and startled Alicia. ”Why was it so jarring to you?..what happened?” Alicia snapped out of it, she gave a small nod and released the second breath she had held in.
The entire cab ride back from the airport made her sick. When she was at work, in front of the fans, around co workers she could forget. Forget about the turmoil at home, forget about the feeling of being trapped and pushed. Forget that the man she loved had given her an ultimatum. She had dropped her sons off with her sister. Zoey had come back into their lives after running and disappearing, ashe wanted to make up time, spend it with her nephews. Alicia reluctantly agreed. It was time to get home now, to figure out what to do. But she had no idea what she’d find, and that made her feel sick to her stomach. The unknown.
As the car pulled up to the curb Alicia simply took out her card, paid for the ride and stepped out, her gear bacg in her hand as she grabbed the strap throwing it over her shoulder. She looked up at the old house, the two storey townhouse in upstate New York that she had moved into with Michael all those years before. She shook her head and moved toward the door taking out her keys. They still worked. He hadn’t changed the locks yet.
She chuckled to herself pushing the door open. Maybe he had come to his senses. Maybe he was inside waiting for her so they could reconcile. But, did she want that? Did she want him to stay? Part of her did. Love was never the proublem. She loved him with all her heart. She loved him so much that it still hurt deep down in the pit of her stomach. But, she needed to take a stand, she needed to do it for herself. Yet there was the single nagging question echoing through her head like a broken record skipping.
Was she the asshole?
He wanted a child, and truthfully so did she. But she put it off, she put it off for her career. And maybe that was her mistake. But, he had also said it was about her making rhe decision herself. And maybe, just maybe he was right. She stepped into the hallway from the door, her feet stomping against the shiny hardwood floors. Each step thudding through the house, she stopped, something was off. Something was different. Michaels jacket, an expensive black zip up canvas number was gone. So he wasn’t home. But it was more than that.
All his shoes were gone, pictures that had hung on the wall, ones of Michaels family dating back to the turn of the 20th century had been taken down. She swallowed hard moving through to the kitchen. Furniture had gone, small nick nacks too had been taken. And a piece of paper sat on the middle of the black marble countertop with a set of keys ontop. She shook her head and reached out opicking it up, reading the words in Michaels voice.
Violet.
I knew you’d be at work and I didn’t want to face you. Please don’t think of me as a coward. I just knew it would hurt as both too much. This issue has been a continued thorn in both of our sides and refuses to go away. We both want to be happy. We both want what is best for us. And from the moment I met you, you have been determined to turn your life around but you didn’t know how. I’d like to think I had some small part in that.
You are an amazing woman. Strong and powerful. You don’t need a relationship to make you happy. You don’t need someone in your life to validate you. But, as I said. We both need to be happy. And this wasn’t working for either of us.
I’m putting the house on the market in two months time. That should give you plenty of time to find somewhere.
Please take care of yourself. I love you.
-Michael
And there it was, her hands started to shake, her eyes glazed over with tears. He had really done it. It wasn;’t an empty threat. It had been the end and he really left her. She placed the picture back down, she put the keys to the side. She moved across the kitchen and pushed out a chair that sat against the rund dinner table in the center of the room slowly sitting down. That was it. There were no more arguments. No more what if. It was done. And now there wasn’t any anger or happiness. No more frustration or amusement. All that was left now was the cold, sick empty feeling deep in her stomach.
She closed her eyes, her fingertips traced around the table and all she could think about was every single meal they shared. Every single laugh and every single tear. Her sons being happy and healthy in this house., The fact she was able to reconnect with them. To be the mother she always wanted to be. Rory and Ryan were here future, her past, they were her heart. But right now, she felt like she had let them down. That they now had to face more uncertainty. And that left her feeling one thing…
Empty
A feeling that hasn’t gone away since this happened.
”So, it became real?” She slowly nodded. Dr Whitlow scribbled down a few things and reached up taking off her glasses, staring across the room at Alicia who had not moved, her hands stayed clasped together, she leaned forward, her back was hunched and she looked defeated. She looked like she had already lost everything. That her entire life was now in the lowest point. Dr Whitlow tilted her head. ”Everything in life has a beginning and an end Violet.” Her voice was still quiet but had some authority added to it.
Alicia looked up through her long blond hair and shook her head. ”I know. Everyone knows that. You don’t think I don’t or that I can’t grow to accept this?”
Dr Whitlow pushed up to her feet, walking over to her desk and placing her hands on it. ”No…No I don’t think you can” The words cut Alicia deep, her jaw trembled as she opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Not one word, not one noise. Instead Dr Whitlow turned around looking right at her. Her face distorted and angry. ”When you first came here we went through everything. From your father leaving, him coming back into your life only to die and leave you in the ultimate move of abandonment. We talked about Chris, Travis and Kaden. Men who used you and abused you in different ways and tried to hold you to some kind of standard to please them…”
She stepped forward and Alicia had no idea what to say, her heart raced and she started to panic. ”Stop..” For a moment the room changed, everything felt like it was closing in on her, everything felt old and like it was falling apart. It felt wrong somehow.
”Leaving Michael. It was the right thing to do but you couldn’t see it. He was holding you down and trying to control you.” She moved closer. Alicia started to hyperventilate. Looking up to the ceiling where the patches she had noticed before had grown. Black mold, cracking paint. ”It was the right thing for you both but you were to weak to pull the fucking trigger…..when will you be the woman you were meant to be?...”
Something broke. Something deep inside Alicias mind snapped like a dry twig. ”Enough!..” She looked up as spit flew from her mouth. But, there was nothing. The room was dark now. Quiet and broken down. She tilted her head. The Doctor was gone, The pictures were gone. The desk was falling apart, the light fixtures has spiderwebs on them. Alicia moved to her feet, backing toward the door, she moved out into the hallway, the nameplate on the door faded and destroyed.
It was all in your head.
The Queen is Dead.
”Undefeated”
She couldn’t help but laugh. One simple word. One word that will no doubt send tongue wagging as evetryone else in the match will stumble over themselves to disprove it. But, context is key.
”In 2022 Alicia Fucking LuKas is undefeated. And, when do we stop thinking that this is a good start to it being a fully fledged rejuvenation or resurrection? Hmm? When do we stop thinking this is just me being lucky and maybe JUST MAYBE Alicia Lukas is back hmmm? I know some of you will say that I never really went away. That a few injuries have given me a stop start kind of time but I never really went anywhere. But, the truth is much more complex than that. See, when I first came to SCW. When Honor was bought and absolved into this company, I had a chip on my shoulder. See, I dominated that company. Ask Mercedes Vargas”
“That squeaky hipped old bitch tried everything she could to stop me.”
“In the end I owned all the gold. I was the companies biggest star. Beating and destroying everyone they had put in the ring against me. Legacy champion and then Honor champion. There was nothing that could be done. So imagine my surprise when the rumblings of Honor being sold were true and my new employers and the new company seemed to give zero shits about me. So yeah, that chip on my shoulder got real fucking salty real fucking quick. So I went about verbally destroying opponents before physically destroying them. And that worked out very very well for me.”
“Howver..”
“Somewhere along the way I lost that. I started getting the respect I felt I deserved and I became complacent. I became this competitor that talked about respect and honor and how the bo,bshells division needed to be better and that I wanted to drag everyone up with me. I wanted them all on my level. Hell I said it last climax control when I beat Sam Marlowe. I respected Roxi, where did that get me? I respected Seleana. Where did that get me? I respected Keira. And same thing again. I wont say there aren’t women that have earned that place…but…well..”
“I need to be more selective, cause most of you aren’t worth shit…”
She turns her upper lip upward curling it as she folds her arms over her chest.
”Last year I won the Queen for a day. And I promptly challenged for the Bombshells title. Something that so many took issue with. Like they wouldn’t have done it if they had won. And spoiler, if I win this, I’ll fuckin do it again. Roxi or Myra, it doesn’t matter. I’m coming for that title. And last year, Last year at Into the void 10 I walked in and beat Vargas, Pierce and Kwan. And this year. Well, this year there’s different faces but the goal remains the same. A ladder, a crown and the only way to win is to beat your opponents down to the point you can climb up there and get it. You snatch that crown down and you get to plan a future Climax control.”
“You get to hold your fate right ino your own hands. And, times past I might tease going for the Internet or Roulette titles. Something I hadn’t held before but, truth is this time, I’m straight up telling y’all. I won, I’m going for that world title. I’m going to get that damn thing back and become a four time champion. To reclaim my glory and in a moment of irony…get my crown…”
“The old Alicia Lukas is back. And may god have mercy on your souls.”
“See, somewhere along the line I lost myself. But, I can’t just sit back anymore. Everyone knows what kind of woman I am and what I asm capable of. And last year I had that golden opportunity and I failed. But this year? Well, this match is the first step. And to take another step I have to climb those rungs. And as a bonus I get to stomp three women who shouldn’t even be in this match, one kid who has alot to learn and a woman who is one of the few left I would consider to be a real rival.”
She sighs heavily, stepping forward and putting her hands in the pockets of her black jeans.
”Kiera Fisher-Johnson. You just can’t help it can you? You just can’t help but get involved in this scene despite the fact you’ve already proved yourself to be more of a joke than anyone else in this company. See, woman like Char Kwan and Bea Barnhart might be in that same level of stupidity where they say outlandish things, much like you, but while they are looked at as jokes and simply names on a page you have somehow been able to rain man your fucking way into being a former world champion. And now look at you. Here you are trying to win this Queen for a day match to…do what exactly?”
“Waste everyone elses time again? What are we going to see Keira? Are we going to see you and Roxi in a domestic violence rematch? Sign me up for that snoozefest where your wife beats your ass for another 20 minutes. We;ve seen it before. Or are you going to go for the roulette title or the internet title to try and put forth some false narrative of you being in a “power couple”? I mean you coulkd do that or simply…do nothing.”
“Either way Keira, I want to win this match as much for myself and what I want as I do to stop you.”
“I mean team hero. What a joke. And your little wrestling school? What are you going to do Keira? Hmm? Roxi can teach people how to be a champion. You? What can you do? Teach young and aspiring wrestlers how to stand in someones shadow? Just typical really You and your idiot wife go to do something I have already done bigger and better. Wolfslair is a gym of champions. Not just SCW champions but champions from all over the world. Your little training camp gym bullshit? It’s just something else you’ll fail at. Just like you fail at being a wife, a mother and any type of human being with substance.”
“Oh no..did I offend you? Will we see your alter ego Sinn that you always threaten us with when you lose your smile and realise you’re losing relevancy? Fuck off Keira….go be a manager, go home and look after your brat and let the real wrestlers fucking wrestle…”
She can’t help but sneer and shake her head. Unable or unwilling to hide her utter disappointment and disdain about Keira.
”And speaking of women who like to pretend to be wrestlers instead of thots. How you doin Sam? Recovered from the beating I gave you yet? Starting to realise everything I said about you is true? You know the problem with having nothing to prove Sam? It means that there is no heart and soul in your life. See, you have been a champion, you are a half of famer, kind of. But that doesn’t mean anything if you’tre not willing to have that heart and passion for this business. And if you dfon’t have that anymore. If you don’t have anything left to prove to me, the others in this matchm, the fans, the bosses or yourself then what the fuck are you doing here?”
“I have everything to prove. I have to prove to the fans that I’m still that fucking killer that walked in here, I have to prove to Mark and Christian that I am worthy of holding the bombshells division in my hands and on my shoulders, something you have never done.. I have to prove to each and every one of you that I should be feared and I need to prove to myself and I still that damn good…”
“See, you just don’t have that fear of me anymore. And that..well that I can’t stand..”
“Before our one on one match you ran your mouth alot about me. About me lacking relevancy or the fact I apparently leach off the other members of wolfslair. And, as always you entirely miss the point Sam. Will you give me respect for whooping your ass? Cause I doubt it. You’ll do what everyone else of your ilk does and you’ll simply…ignore it…But when I beat the hell out of you, when I place that fucking crown on my head for the SECOND year in a row and I go on to challenge Roxi or Myra for the title. Well…your words will be as hollow as the balloon sitting on your neck…”
Alicia throws her hands in the air and shakes her head.
”But, then there’s the Australian bombshells Kristal Wolfe. The only one of the three I can give the smallest amount of respect to. See Krystal broke all kinds of records. Longest Roulette title reign, most defenses. Damn Krystal. You really made the roulette title matter. Congrats, really. I mean you found out the samer thing I did that when you make a title mean something and you lose it to Keira Fisher Johnson the title instantly becomes meaningless so I can convaless with you on that. I can admit that you are a step above the usual trash that seems to loiter around the bombshells division. And I have no idea what you’ll do if given the chance to get that crown.”
“Queen Krystal…”
“It seems like you have suffered from the post title hangover. A little lost in what you want to do huh? I get it. I’ve been there Krystal. I know tbhoise feelings. And things will get alot worse before they get better. Unless you win this match. And who knows maybe you’ll surprise us all and do well. But, then again, this match is bigger than anything else you’ve done.”
“I’m sorry but beating Bea Barmhart and Maki doesn’t really inspire fear ya know?”
“But you could change all that. You could climb the ladder, get thatcrown and then call your shot. You could go back for the roulette title, go for the internet title or even the bombshells. Or, settle a score with someone. Lick say, the waste of skin who beat you for the roulette title to begin with and then lost it right away because she has the championship credentials of a mentally handicapped chipmunk?....Either way…to win this match you still have to get through me..and I won’t gfeel bad about stopping you…”
She scoffs and shakes her head before relaxing a little.
”That is something OI can’t say about Bella Madison. See, I win this match and I will have a small feeling of sadness in my heart for her. But, it’s the only way you’ll learn Bella. See, little bird, I love and respect your mother. Laura is one of the best in the ring and she hasn’t got the respect she has deserved. Not by a long shot. And you? Well, you are looking at carving your own path in SCW. In the mixed tag division next to Mal or by youtrself, you come into the company and the building each time you’re booked and leave it all on the line. That is the Wolfslair way. To put it all on the line and that is something people like Keira, Sam and Krystal do not understand. It’s something they can’t understand.”
“But you Bella. You know what it takes and the sacrifices that need to be made. And I can;’t say that if I did see you climb that ladder and become the queen I wouldn’t shed a tear of pride and want to embrace you in a hug and congratulate you.”
“Howveer…while I can admit that…I also have to tell you I don’t see it happening…”
“I love you Bella. I do. I have watched you train like a monster week in and week out., I have heard you talk about wanting to ydo your parents proud, your gym proud and yourself proud. But if you think for one second the soft spot I hve for you and your family in my heart will stop me from winning this match and doing whatever it takes to do so, well, you haven’t been paying attention. Thing is, I think you have. I think you know the lengths I’ll go to. And I don’t think the others do. I don’t think they know what I am willing to do to them when I am willing to snap your leg in half to win this….and don’t think I won’t…”
She swallows hard, adjusting her attitude and trying to get back into it. Her eyes close, she takes in a deep breath and cracks her neck, coming to the main event as it were…
”Amber Ryan. Oh man. You know, I sat there thinking about things I could say about every single woman in this match. Faults to point out, failures to bring up and throw in their faces. Mind games. But you? With you that is so damn hard. See, you are a woman that commands respect. Commands it. I can ignore what Keira, Sam and Krystal have done in their careers, I can point and laugh because I can find fault with all of them. Keira being in Roxi’s shadow, her inability to actually defend a title. Sam failing to get her former glory and being a passenger in a division and company that has passed her by. Krystal being unproven in the bigger stage…”
“And of course..Bella not living up to her parents promise,..”
“But you? You Amber Ryan are so fucking hard to find fault with aside from personal issues with your asshole husband but, are they really relevant to this situation. See, a year ago Amber I won this match and I then sat backstage and watched you dismantle Ruby Steele to keep the Bombshells title. And I cheered you on. Not because I particularly like you, not because I despise Ruby…although both of those reasons helped. Hell if I wanted the easy match I would have been disappointed you won...”
“No Amber…I cheered you on because then I knew I was going to get what I wanted.”
She laughs to herself and nods slowly letting her tongue tun over her teeth.
”I was going to get my one on one match with you. For that title. And, I failed. You beat me. And, I have tried so hard not to be petty or to let my emotions get to me. But the truth is. I can’t. I can’t hold it all back and you need to understand why. For all your success and everything you’ve been able to do for SCW and the division you need to understand something. Whether you wanted to, meant to or even were aware of it. You have taken EVERYTHING from me…”
“And I fucking hate you for it…”
“You are now the most respected and feared. You held the title longer than me, you made more defences than me. You have taken it all including being the scourge of the Zdunich family and the Johnsons. You took it all from me. And this, this Amber is the last fucking thing I have. The queen for a day. See, I want to win, not just so I can book myself into a world title opportunity and go after whoever is the champ after into the void 11. But also to stop you from being able to claim that crown and take the LAST FUCKING THING I have over you. I think you of all people should understand how hard it is for me to admit that, to bare my soul.”
“So I’m coming for that crown. I’m coming for it to take my rightful place at the head of the division and to get that title back. And yes…I’m coming for it to stop…you…”
Golden
“Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sometimes when you have those quiet moments and get lost in your own thoughts you remember that quiet reflection is rarely quiet at all. The voices and thoughts go from a small whisper, drowned out by the chaos around you to being screaming, uninterrupted mental terrorists. How are you ever meant to truly heal and move on from anything in life if your own mind is your own worst enemy? How can you face your past and your barriers in life when being alone to contemplate it all is the issue?
Fear can be the ultimate motivator.
When you are afraid you can do things that otherwise would be impossible. A parents fear of losing their child can push them to extremes. Either as a savior or a villain. Fear of losing anything you covet as yours can also do the same. We as a species are capable of great strength as well as great horrors based on the need and want of self preservation and fear of loss. But, what happens when the mind breaks and fractures?
What happens when you are forced to hopld a mirror up to yourself and see your faults. Your faults in everything, As a human being? As a wife? As a mother? As a professional in whatever path you chose? And what happens when you try to better yourself. Try to work through your issues and think you are making progress only to find out it was a lie? Your own mind protecting itself through illusion and delusion?
And more importantly. What happens when the walls come crashing down?
How can you move on from that? Go on with life and ignore what happened? Alicia thought she had all the answers. For months, at her now ex husbands behest she tried to work out her issues. Her past, her greatest fears and faults. And for a while she thought she was making progress. Not letting her husband control her like so many others had, learning to live her dreams and be stronger. Dealing with her abandonment issues from her father as well as her mothers shortcomings and learning to not repeat her mistakes.
But, it was all a lie.
It was in her head. The Doctor, the advice, the resolutions. It was a mirage and a mental room forged inside her need to be understood. And in the last week she had sat at home, not even going to the gym to prepare. Not seeing her friends and family. Going through the motions with her young sons. Smiling and nodding as her sister Zoey talked about getting back into the wrestling business. Smiling and promising to help her without any idea how. This was Alicia's life over the last seven days since her painful revelation.
Every single therapy session, every barrier she broke through and everything she thought she resolved…it was all a lie. And nothing had changed.
Or so she thought.
Some people can’t see the forrest through the trees. And this was one of those situations. Alicia stood in her kitchen, or what was her kitchen. The house up for sale and she hadn’t even looked for a new place. Not that it was an issue. Working at SCW, working at Wolfslair as a senior trainer. It had all been lucrative and she was not hurting for money. She and her sons were going to be just fine. But only if Alicia put it all together and looked for a place.
But here she stood. A coffee cup sitting in front of her, full to the top as she shook her head. She had got her boys on the bus to school. And now she wrestled inside her own mind with a question that needed answering. What was the point?
What was the point in any of this? Going to the gym. Training. Going to work. She wanted it, she said she did. She gave up her marriage for it, she gave up everything for her dream. But what if it was the wrong choice? What if she was being influenced the wrong way? What if-
”Oh Violet..I’m so disappointed in you…” Her head snapped sideways. Doctor Whtlow sat across the kitchen, at the table. Her legs crossed over and her hands on her knee, interlaced fingers as she shook her head and let out a sigh. ”You missed your session, we still have so much to work through.” Alicia closed her eyes tight and shook her head swallowing hard as she refused to believe this. ”When you didn’t come to my office I got worried. You have never missed a session. So…I broke my rules for you to make a house call.”
This isn’t real. This isn’t real. This isn’t real She repeated it in her head over and over. Taking a few deep breaths and opening her eyes. Dr Whitlow was still there, but she looked different. There was some color in her grey hair, a few golden strands, the wrinkles on her face had faded out and her cheeks became fuller. Alicia shook her head and looked away before throwing her hands in the air. ”What is this? Why can’t I get rid of you?
Dr Whitlow stepped forward, she tilted her head with a heavy sigh as she studied Alicia, looking right through her, to her very soul. ”You just haven’t accepted it. And I think you know why. You can’t get rid of something, someone that is a part of you.
”It was all a lie. Everything you told me, everything we talked about, Michael left because of you.” She closed her eyes again, placing her hands on the black marble.
Dr Whitlow’s voice was soft and calming, her accent shining through and for the first time Alcia realizing it was like hers. ”In a way, yes he did. But it’s on you Violet.” Alicia opened her eyes again and agan Dr Whitlow looked younger, almost familiar. ”You can’t even see it can you? Everything we talked about helped you. It was all things that you needed to see, that you needed to feel. All things that will help you take control of your life back.”
Alicia slammed her fist on the black marble and looked down at it, her eyes burning as her jaw clenched and she felt the tears welling up in her eyes. ”Stop it…”
Dr Whitlow just laughed. A small chuckle. Almost arrogant and telling. ”Stop what Violet? Telling the truth? Your entire life you have changed your life to fit others. Your father, every relationship you had, your mother. Even your siblings and friends. Isn’t it tim,e you fully invested in YOURSELF? In YOUR dreams?” Alicias hands started to shake as she kept her eyes shut. ”Isn’t it time you stopped being weak and making excuses?...open your fucking eyes…”
”No…”
She refused. She didn’t want to. Her heart heart, her body shook. And the tears started to fall. ”Is it because you know the truth? You know what you’ll see and you’re just too scared to face this?” Her voice continued to get younger, to get more defined. Alicia shook her head. ”You don’t need to answer that. I can hear everything, see everything…so now…”
”Open your eyes
They stood across from each other. Identical. Identical in everything. Hair, eyes, clothing. Alicia took a deep breath and shook her head, her anger growing, her frustration to breaking point. She knew what it was. What it all meant. As much as she hated to admit it, she needed it. Needed the honesty. And she needed to be honest with herself. True to herself. She knew it now. She knew it was all her.
Everything she wanted. Everything she needed. And now, well now everything was going to be better.
Alicia was Golden
Long live the queen
”Heavy is the head that wears the crown”
Alicia laughs to herself, reaching up and tilting the crown she got at last years Queen for a day to the side. She turns and sits down on the edge of an old wooden chair. Not quite a throne. But close enough.
”And oh how heavy my head was for the longest time. Heavy with everything, heavy with the pressure of being the leader of this division and this company. Heavy with thoughts of grandeur and lifting everyone up with me. Heavy with concern for all of you. But, the truth is, I don’t need all that anymore. I don’t need to worry about the division as a whole. I don’t have to worry about rewatching down and dragging the rest of you up with me anymore. Cause, after four years in this company I finally know the universal truth of it all.”
“None of you deserve saving. None of you deserve my help or my gracious presence. A queen does not concern herself with the worries of the common folk. And most of you are PAINFULLY common.”
“Some would say…peasants…”
“In four years I have gone from a name that Mark and Christian wanted in the company to being someone who will be in the SCW hall of fame. I have gone from someone dominating every other company I was in to dominating this one and then wanting to GIVE BACK to wrestling. And I did. I really did. See, when I first came back to the US I was confused as to what I would find.”
She pauses for a moment and crosses her legs over one another placing her hands ontop of her knee while clasping her hands together and interlacing her fingers, keeping her posture straight and almost regal.
”I thought coming home from Japan I would find great athletes ready to embrace the culture like I did. Embrace the grind of being a professional wrestler. And even though there were patches of that, even though I saw some bright sparks. Like Kat Jones. For the most part I found vapid airheads like Crystal Hilton, Keira Fisher-Johnson and Sam Marlowe. And to think, when I came back to my home country I thought I needed to start from the bottom and work my way up.”
“I thought I needed to learn what American wrestling was all about. I joined Honor wrestling and instead of going right for the top I lowered myself to be in Legacy, their development brand. I was humble and respectful. I paid my dues there and built my reputation expecting to find women who were ready to work hard and be the best.”
“You know what I really found? Entitled succubus’ ready to suck a dick to get title shots and sleep their way to the top instead of bust their asses the correct way.”
“And that is when I made a vow and a promise to myself that I was going to do everything I could in the ring to prove my way was right. And that didn’t mean I was a saint in my personal life. I dated guys in the business, but I did it because of personal reasons not to get a head in business. I mean fuck, I sure as shit got a huge title rub from dating Travis Blake didn’t I?”
She sneered and rolled her eyes before straightening her shoulders again.
”But I made my way through company after company. WWH, dominated, back to Honor, Dominated, Liberty, Before it closed I was racking up wins. And then here. Sin City Wrestling. Dominated. And that is something people tend to forget. Just how dominant I was in the three major companies I was in. WWH, Honor and here. And at the height of my powers I wanted to make it all better. I wanted to help everyone. But now?..well now it’s different.”
“Y’all can get fucked…”
“Now I’m in tbhis for myself. For my future, for my legacy. I’m not here for the good of wrestling or womens wrestling. I’m here for myself. For Alicia fucking Lukas. The strong style southern belle. The lioness. The queen wolf. All the names and monikers. And that means doing what no one else had been able to do. Winning the queen for a day a second time and doing it consecutively. Taking that crown, taking that opportunity and ye…giving myself a title shot…”
“And to do that? Well I have to get through everyone else in the match. And, to say I’m disappointed in the rampant stupidity of this place is an understatement. I handed Krystal Wolfe ammunition against me, I handed her so much she could say and she could have really dug in to try and make herself seem like a bigger star. But when push came to shove..well that isn’t what she did is it?”
Alicia pushes to her feet still wearing her crown from last year.
”Instead Krystal chose to focus on last year and the Queen for a day match I won. Pointing out the competitors I had to deal with and called them weak. While then chastising me for calling her weak due to the competition she faced as Roulette champion. Pot meet kettle. And the truth is Krystal that while you did face weaker opposition than most you did prove yourself to be a step above them. And now here you are waiting to get a shot at the queen for a day and book a show for everyone to watch. A golden ticket to give yourself a shot at anything. And based on the fact you had that chance as Roulette champion to call out the elite of the division to defend your title against and make it mean something…and inherently failed…”
“Well”
“I question your resolve in using the queen for a day right to face the best in SCW. Or, will you take the easy way out hmm? Cause that’s is the difference between us, I openly acknowledge if my opponents have been lackluster, I openly tell them they need to do better as well as make sure they all know I can appreciate their positives. But, everyone in this business just focuses on the negative. Much like you did Krystal.”
“I did say you faced weak challengers most of the time, but I also said your reign was impressive and I said you had a chance to move on up. I guess that all escaped your scope when glossing over my comments about you and who you are. As a champion I called out the best of the best. In the company as well as outside it…cause let me fucking remind you…I brought Roxi Johnson back to this company. Without my challenge she would have stayed away to play neglectful mommy with Keira…”
“So, get ready to get in that ring and do your best Krystal, and maybe with a little luck you’ll get to wear the crown. But if you don’t..I hope you realize…I won’t shut up about your failure…and I might just break you to prove a point…”
She turns her top lip up and shakes her head stepping back.
”Just like I have with others in the past. And you know, I was going to try not to destroy Keira verbally too much. I wouldn’t want her to run crying to her wife or management about how mean I am. After all, that is the narrative both Keira and Candy have about me. I’m so mean and such a bitch right? Because I dare to tell the truth. And trust me on this, all I have ever done is tell the fucking truth. And I have been hated and vilified for that. And instead of LISTENING to me all I have had is push back.”
“But, just when I think maybe Keira is ready to listen, just when I think she is ready to be the respectfed veteran she apparently thinks herself to be she opens her mouth and shit spews out all over the place.”
“You think I dislike you because of your wife? No, I dislike Roxi because she’s a fake bi9tch who likes to pretend she’s a good person instead of just admitting she’s a jealous raging backstabbing piece of shit. But you? I dislike you for your own seperate reasons. I don’t care about your last name, your hair, your stupid smile. I do hate you because you BELIEVE you’re better than me. You believe your win over me makes you better when everything else, every single other piece of proof their is says you’re nothing compared to me…”
“I wanted you to succeed Keira. I wanted you to succeed so goddamn badly. I wanted you to beat me and live up to that potential and step out of your wife’s shadow. I said it so many times yet just like with Krystal all you do is believe the nagatives. I say I don’t like you because you don’t live up to your potential and you have failed. All you hear is I don’t like you because you beat me…”
“Thing is YOUR DID beat me. You beat me, you took the Bombshells title and I stepped back away from the scene. I let you take the ball and run with it and you fucking failed. You dropped that ball and ruined the goddamn championship. You ruined the gift that you got HANDED by not just having the title but by saying you are one of the few women in this company who beat me on a stag that goddamn big.”
“I criticize you because women and little girls look up to you and you set a horrible example. You whine and bitch about title shots, you get handed opportunities and promise to succeed only to fail and never live up to it and own your mistakes. And when someone holds a mirror up to yo0ur face and shows you gthose failures you stick your head in the sand and ignore it…”
“Shit atleast Roxi came back stronger from her defeats…”
“You even said it yourself. You chose to come back to the Queen for a day after walking out. After disappearing. You should of stayed gone Keira. You should of stepped back and away because when I look at you I can see that you just don’t have the heart anymore. You’re like Mercedes Vargas, Crystal Hilton and….Samantha Marlowe…”
Alicia can’t help but sneer and fold her arms over her chest.
”What’s wrong Sammie? Cat got your tongue? Hmm? I sat back and talked alot of shit about you. And I did it because you, much like Keira, decide to run your mouths in a way that is so hard to back up. You put yourselves into a corner. And then find it hard to get out. And that’s what you did Sam. You came at me and when we faced off one o0n one I embarrassed you, I exposed you. And now here we are, less than a few days from Into the void and the Queen for a day and all we have heard or seen from you is…”
“...Silence.”
“Nadda..”
“Nothing…”
“And I have to ask anyone and everyone if they are really surprised. It’s your go to Sam. You run your mouth, try to get the upper hand, fail and then instead of face adversity and show us all you deserve to be a champion and you are someone relevent, you quit. You disappear. Maybe it’s time you walk off into the sunset, and take Keira with you. But then again, atleast Keira showed her face and made her goals known…”
“Yes Keira I am giving you props for something, not that you’ll pay attention, you negative bitch…”
Alicia throws her hands in the air and paces back and forth.
”And this might shock some people, but I need to talk directly to my kitten right now. Miss Bella Madison. I love you kid, you know I do. You’re someone with so much potential and someone that has so much to live up to. Now, I appreciate your kind words to me, I do. But watching you sit back and give so much respect to the others? You do yourself a disservice and give then too much credit.”
“Pillars of the bombshells division?”
“If Krystal, Keira and Sam are pillars then the bombshells division would have come crashing down years ago.”
“I’m going to give you advice. You are good enough to be a power player in SCW. Good enough to rise up and be great. But, to be a legend. To step up and tear down everyone in front of you and walk the path you need to take and leave broken, bloody bodies piled up behind you, then you need to grow a mean streak. You need to call out people when they are not being who they believe themselves to be and destroy them. And kid…”
“That includes me.”
“You need to look deeper. I’m not perfect, far from it. And you know me well enough now. And this match Bella, in this match, we aren’t teacher and student, we aren’t apprentice and mentor, we aren’t friends…we’re opponents and you need to come at me with everything and try to stop me and win. Not just earn your place, not just to try and be better…be the best..like me…and like Amber Ryan…”
The mood changed. From the anger she had about Krystal and Keira, the mild amusement of Sam and the frustration with Bella. This was different with Amber. Could it be…fear?
”You know, the second I finished recording my first promo to get people interested in this match I had this feeling of regret. A feeling of fear and anger. All of it swirling around and the biggest thing was…I wanted to make sure the comments didn’t get o0ut. See, everything I said, everything I blamed you for. I knew it made me look weak. It made me look human. And I didn’t want that. I didn’t need that. But, when I saw what you had to say, I felt better abou it…”
“I know, weird right?”
“See, you exposed me Amber. You exposed me. You’re right, I have talked about the old Alicia being back and I have apparently done nothing with it. Now, alot of that isn’t my problem or my fault. I have been busy with that idiot Candy and I tried to move past her, I tried to get it all going. I needed to take time off and finish making sure my life didn’t fall apart but sure, call me out for that Amber.”
“You’re such a gracious championship human being right?”
“Even as you threw a tantrum all over twitter due to something your husband said. Great show of feminism there. A goddamn world conquering champion, a woman who, as she said, sent all her opponents down the river styx, letting her confidence crumble and having a public meltdown due to her husband disrespecting her. Wow. You know for someone who talks about egos and how fragile they can be you really have a fragile ego…”
Alicia tuts and shakes her head.
”I know how that can be. See, it’s taken me a while but it dawned on me that giving you respect and vocalizing it was a bad idea. See, it played into your idea that you’re better than me. That little comment about sending your opponents down the river styx really stuck in my craw. Cause, I did it before you. Everything you did, I did it before you did.”
“And I finally see what Micah has meant talking about how quick people forget.”
“And you have forgotten…”
“You have forgotten that in this company I am the giant whose shoulders you have stood on. I am the one who opened the goddamn door that you walked through and I will have my goddamn respect. I’ll either get it by winning the match, or by beating it out of you…”