Session 14: The Cowboy
”What about relationships?”
Oh no, here we go. One of the most touchy subjects in the life of Alicia Lukas. She looked up, her eyes trailing from the grey carpeted floor of Dr. Whitlow's office straight up to the good Doctor herself who was currently sitting in her chair. One leg crossed over the top of the other, a pen clutched in her right hand and her notepad in her left. The end of the pen moved up and down lightly tapping her cheek. She was unaware of the Pandora's box that she was just about to open. Alicia's heart sank. She knew where this was going and she also knew the type of story she was going to tell, the past that she thought should stay in the past. The issues that didn't matter to her life.Not like the ones with her mother, not like the ones with her children, not like the ones with her father.
She closed her eyes, her head shaking from side to side as she took in a deep breath and pushed it out laughing behind it. The doctor raised an eyebrow, the pen stopping and moving down towards the pad as she jotted something down. ”There’s...there’s good news.” The words came out with a strong hint of sarcasm and indignation. Spitting with a little bit more venom than she had initially intended. The truth is, the doctor did not deserve that kind of response.Dr. Whitlow had been nothing but great to Alicia she had helped her through everything that she had needed to and the therapy was helping. As much as she fought it and as much as she tried to say that her life hadn't improved, the inner turmoil that had been raging for years had started to slow down.
”Wehn you came back from Japan, did you just meet your husba-”
Alicia's eyes closed as her hand went up. She swallowed, a large lump moving from her throat down to the pit of her stomach as she suddenly felt the need to get up and run. To find a nice quiet area where she could hold her stomach drop to the floor, curl up into the fetal position, and cry. Maybe even throw up. Tears started to form in her eyes as she looked down at her hand, her thumb lightly caressing the area where her wedding ring was. ”I….I was married before Michael.” She coughed to clear her throat. Looking up and pushing her chest out to straighten her back.
Whitlow just gave her a small nod trying to get Alicia to continue. She moved the pen back down writing a few more sentences before giving her a warm smile. ”Life is filled with romance. Some partners come and go from your life. I myself have been married twice.” That was surprisingly calming to Alicia. She wasn't stupid, Alicia knew that other people had been in relationships, she knew marriages failed, she knew people got themselves into relationships that hurt them, that destroyed them, that always played havoc on their mind. But Alicia had made so many mistakes in this regard. And now it was time to face them.
”Well, my first husband…”
She turned kicking her legs up as she lay on the couch. She stared at the ceiling before continuing. When Alicia had come back from Japan she had almost no money. She used a lot of it to get back,to set up a house,to buy a car and get all of her papers organized. Alicia knew she needed to find something, anything. That was when she took up a position with an upstart company, Honor Wrestling. This was going to be great. She thought to herself as the pen was put to paper. Alicia had never performed in her own country before. In front of American fans. Her entire career, her entire in-ring wrestling past was locked to one country, to one style.
But, Honor wrestling was not for the hardcore fanbase who researched people before they stepped into the ring. Honor wrestling was for the casuals. The people who loved to watch Saturday morning wrestling shows, The ones who thought American wrestling was the be-all-end-all of this business. So, her heart started to ache as the president of the company told her, to her face, as she was going to spend some time in their developmental territory legacy wrestling. A smaller company that would run spot shows in the same towns that Honor was in for that week. Against talent that was being brought up from the American independent scene, and house trained athletes who wanted to become what Alicia was. She could feel the anger rising up through the pit of her stomach. She wanted to flip them off, to walk away and go find another company that would properly utilize her talents and her past.
But she needed the money.
She needed the money to fully set up her life, to get her children back, make sure that she could provide for her boys, and live the kind of life that they deserved and that she wanted. So, she swallowed her pride. And turned up to work. It actually wasn't bad. There were a lot of younger talents there eager to learn and eager to put on great shows and great matches. Eager to claw and scratch and fight for their positions.It was a feeling that Alicia knew all too well struggling in the Japanese dojos. But old habits die hard. After the second legacy wrestling show Alicia went out with friends, or the ones who she thought were her friends now that she had come to a new company. They were all excited knowing that the talents from the main show were going to be there at the same club at the same time. Alicia rolled her eyes as she got out of the cab with some of the other female talents. The way they acted drove her completely insane. No respect for the business, barely any respect for themselves.
Then again, they all got dressed up for the occasion. Wearing skimpy dresses, tight around the athletically toned bodies. High heeled shoes, their hair all done up. Alicia on the other hand stepped forward, her long blonde hair was down and brushed but not done in any special way with any kind of product. She wore a pair of tight acid-washed jeans, black and red converse, and a vintageMetallica master of puppets T-shirt. They got inside the club, the music pounding. The kind of music that Alicia hated, the kind of electronic bullshit that sounded like two Transformers fucking, and one of them had some kind of rust induced sexually transmitted disease
They all approached the bar. A tray of shots slid across in front of them. They all took one raising it into the air and downing it. They didn't even know where the shots came from. Every single one of them looked like they were about to throw up after taking it down. Everyone except Alicia. The whiskey moved smooth down past her throat. She shook her head with a smile before throwing her arms in the air turning to order herself another drink. But before the words could come out of her mouth,a southern accent and a deep voice boomed in front of her. ”What ys drinkin sweetheart? Another shot of courage?” She turned, pivoting on the balls of her feet as she came head to chest with a very large, very muscular, very hairy looking cowboy.
Chris Cane.
He was a 6 foot 4, marginally talented professional wrestler who had been around the world. One who had never really caught on and become a star but who had always found constant work in some of the biggest companies around. He looked just as out of place in this club as Alicia did. His long brown hair was half tied back and half left down, a bushy beard,a pair of torn jeans, cowboy boots, and a red and black flannel shirt with a leather vest thrown over the top. Alicia raised an eyebrow with a laugh. ”You bought those shots. Didn’t ya?’
He laughed putting his hands up and giving her a small nod. ”Guilty as charged. Had to see which one of you ladies could really drink” Have he flashed her a smile, surprised to hear her southern accent. He was from Tennessee, she was from Georgia. Their accents were different but at the same time had a familiar twang to them. Alicia shook her head and folded her arms over her chest. She looked him dead in the eye with a confidence that seemed to be unmatched.
”Well, you know I can drink. Now what?” She added a little sass to her statement. Stepping back on her right foot and keeping her left leg out as she raised her eyebrows and shrugged her shoulders. Chris was over 10 years her senior. Alicia was 23 years old, the cowboy was 36. She was still young and naive despite spending so much time in Japan and living alone and having to grow up fast.
Chris slammed his hand on the bar. Getting the bartender’s attention he moved his and pointed down. The bartender almost seemed like he read the cowboy's mind. Pulling up a bottle of Jack Daniels and two shot glasses. ”Now we’re gonna see if that first shot was a fluke or if ya the real deal.” He poured them each a shot. Alicia turned up her nose and flared her nostrils snatching it off the bar and downing it before he could even think about taking his. She slammed the shot glass on the bar with a smile. ”Well now, looks like we got ourselves a drinker!”
Chris explained it loudly. Other members of the roster were there. The other girls from legacy all looked disgusted by Alicia drinking the shot in spending time with the other wrestlers without them. She turned her head smiling at Chris who smiled back. She was happy to have the male attention. Happy that someone was looking at her as more than just the silly American girl. Someone caught the corner of her eye, she turned and smiled to see Alex Jones. She wanted to go over and say hello, she wanted to ask him how he was going and if he was the one who put her name forward for Honor wrestling. But, it seemed as if Alex was busy. In some kind of argument with half of the ownership of the company, his wife Ana Valentine. Alicia swallowed turning to pick up the new shot that had been poured for her.
She was going to have some fun.
”You bonded with him….”
Whitlows’ voice cut through the haze. Alicia opened her eyes and gave a small nod before pushing off the couch and turning her legs to the side to face whitlow. The doctor finished writing a few lines on her notepad. She reached up and took her glasses off before leaning forward. ”I should have told him to stick those shots right up his stupid redneck a-”
”Alicia…” Dr. Whitlow raised her hand. Alicia swallowed hard stopping before she could finish the sentence. Still, the anger bubbled up, remembering what happened as their relationship developed and went on. She still wasn't over it, still wasn't over what happened and what she went through. After surviving Ronnie, after traveling to Japan and forging her own path. She came back to America and ended up with someone like him. And it still pissed her off. ”That was the start, in the beginning he was there, he gave you attention and understanding. Not even sure of the path it would take you both…..you can’t blame yourself. But….you can go home, think on this...and then i want you to come in tomorrow...we’ll continue.”
Alicia took a deep breath, she closed her eyes as she felt her thumb running area where her wedding ring was again. She let out the breath and gave a small nod before pushing up to her feet. She moved towards the door and stopped taking a moment before grabbing the door handle. ”I hope I’m ready for this…” She pushed through the doorstepping out into the hallway as Whitlow shook her head
”Me to...me to..”
Triple Threat.
”Two and zero aye?”
She couldn't help but laugh shaking her head. Alicia loved to bring up stupid things that opponents had said in the past, she loved to let the words linger out there for a moment before taking them and slamming them right against the faces of people who could not fathom the talent that she had.
”How did that work out for you Keira? You know, we’ll get to that in a little bit. Butbefore thatI just want to stop and breathe and think about thesituation that I am currently in. A triple threat match for the bombshells Internet championship.This division and that title is new ground for me. I think people forget that since I've been in this company I have just been at the main event level. I walked in as a world champion and that's where I stayed.I walked in as the most dominant champion that Honor wrestling had ever seen, only to repeat the exact same feat here in Sin City wrestling. Do you people realise that? Do you remember that? Because it seems like so many of you have forgotten what kind of person I am and where I have been in my career.”
“Everywhere I go I have dominated. Everywhere I go I win championshipsand I proved that I am the best professional wrestler in the world.I have had record breaking titlebrains where I have run through the entire roster. Yet people just sweep it under the table. Just under the rug throw it back down who cares Alicia doesn't matter.”
“It seems like people have to take notice of that now.I have been coasting in this company for too long, complacent with the opportunities that I've been given.I've said it before and I will say it again I would rather earn an opportunity.And that's what I did here. I earned this opportunity.I needed to re discover that fire and over the last couple of weeks I feel like I have.I have slowly started getting back to being the Alicia Lukas that terrified most of this division for a year. .A year where I won the championship, lost the championship, regained the championship, and then made damn sure everyone knew where I was supposed to be.”
“I'm ready to face a new challenge. A new division and a new championship.A new set of records that I can attempt to break and a new championship to try and make synonymous with my name.”
Her lips curl up into an arrogant smile. Her arms pulled over her chest as she stays focused on her goals and her opponents. Her heart lifting up as she feels anger running through her veins.Not just confidence, pure anger.
”And it’s another championship to bring to Wolfslair. It is the only championship that we as a collective have never held. Alex and Austin have been the world champion, Alex has been the roulette champion, Austin the Internet champion on the mens side, Johanna has been the Roulette champion and all three have held the mixed tag team titles. And of course I've held the bombshells world championship.The Internet title is the only one that we haven't added to our collection. The only one that as a collective we have not been able to get and add to the list.It might seem like something small and petty, to look at the group I'm in and realise that there is one championship missing off ourcombined group of accolades.But if you don't think that is a carrot dangling in front of me that I want to chase? Then you don't know me very well do you.”
“Think about it. All the active championships in Sin City wrestling and a member of our group would have held all of them at one point or another.Has there ever been a collective group so dominant in this business before? Certainly not in the modern era.I want to grab that championship not just for myself, not just because it is a new challenge for me and because I have records to break and I can call myself a champion again but also to prove just how dominant we are. Every few weeks someone who is facing one of us will sit there and try and run the entire group down. Talk about how Wolfslair is no longer the force it was.”
“Completely ignoring the titles we have held, are holding and will hold.”
“Every few weeks we prove them wrong. And now is my chance to do it againAlex and Austin are preparing to defend their championshipsand I am preparing to get my hands on one.But to do that, to be able to call myself the bombshells champion and to be able to climb that new mountain, to stand on top of it and know that I have a tonnewalked path in front of me,I have to beat two women. The current champion Andrea Hernandez,and the perennial challenger that every single championship who likes to run her mouth and never shut the fuck up Keira Fisher- Johnson.”
Alicia sneers and shakes her head, Keira’s name making her blood boil with anger and frustration.
”One of these things is not like the others.You see, as much as I have differences with Andrea, she strikes me as someone who is actually worthy of being a champion. Andrea got her hands on that bombshell's championship and has been eager to prove her worth.I wish this had been a one-on-one match. I would love to face Andrea one on one again. Back when Andrea first burst onto the scene in Sin City wrestling she was going on a tear. Destroying everyone that she came in contact with.Legends, nobody's, rising stars, no one was safe from Andrea Hernandez.I was impressed. But I also wanted to beat the living hell out of her.I was the one who stopped that run of dominance. I was the one who was able to beat Andrea as she was going through her run of destruction.”
“But,like a real champion she picked herself up dusted herself off and reinvented herself.She faced the best of the best and has become one of the main names in this company.A true main event star and a bombshell that everyone should watch whenever she is on screen.I'm not going to sit here and try and take that away from her. I'm not going to sit here and rundown all of her accomplishments like I'm some kind of idiot who can'tgo back and research history.I know Andrea is a threat, I know Andrea is the current champion and I know Andrea is going to do everything she possibly can to keep that championship around her waist and stay the bombshells champion for as long as she possibly can.I get it, I do.It is hard for anyone who is a current champion to picture themselves losing a title.”
“And full disclosure I don't like you Andrea.”
“The thing is, I don't have to like you to respect you.I don't have to like you to acknowledge that you have been a great champion and that you have been one of the best in this company.That is the thing that people seem to get wrong. They think they can only giverespect to people who they actually like.That isn't how it works.I don't like you, but I can respect you, I like Amber Ryan I like what she stands for and I respect her. Whether I like someone personally or dislike them has no bearing on how I feel about their professional accomplishments and whether or not they are a positive in this business and our company.I can admit you are a positive in the sin city wrestling bombshells division and you are a champion that deserves to have a spotlight.”
She flashes an arrogant smile keeping her arms folded over her chest as she adjusts her stance to push her shoulders back and her chest out.
”And that is part of the reason why I did what I did. I saw an injustice happening before my eyes. You being forced to defend your championship against someone who is substandard and should not be given title opportunities.Someone who never earned the right to face you.I took issue with it. I took issue with it and I got booked in a match where if I won I would be addedto the bombshells title match at High Stakes. Now,do I agree with you getting involved? Of course I don't. But since your little interference worked in my favour.I'm gonna allow it. However you need to realise that without me in this match people wouldn't give a crap about it. People would just think that Andrea Hernandez was about to walk in and walk out the champion with absolutely no challenge in front of her and she wasn't going to earn that defence on her record.There was no danger of you losing that championship to Kiera.”
“I added that danger. I added that intrigue and I added that question.I have made your championship defence at the biggest show of the year matter. So, if I can admit that you are one of the best champions that this company has right now, if I can admit that you are a positive for this division and this business, then you need to look me in the eye when I get in that ring, come forward, and thank me, thank me for making this match relevant. Because without me this match would just be Andrea Hernandez kicking around a fucking paint can for ten minutes.”
“And lets be honest, we’re already going to see Amber Ryan doing that with Crystal and Keiras wife, and Krystal Wolfe doing that to Char Kwan, don’t you think ONE of the womens title matches deserves to actually be competitive?”
She pauses with a smile, a shrug, and a pause for an answer that will never come.
”Even though Keira will always believe she is what makes something competitive. See the truth is that she and I have done this song and dance time and time again. She’ll tell you, one on one she has beaten me twice. Twice. Once for the title, she’ll crow about it, she will throw it in my face till the end of time just like I will always say she should never have beaten me the second time. THE SECOND TIME. I never said Keira didn’t deserve to beat me the first time. In fact, I have said time and time again that I was rooting for her. I was rooting for Keira to beat me, to take the SCW Bombshells title and have a long reign that mattered.”
“I wanted her to realize that dream that she had because I foolishly thought Keira Fisher Johnson would pull her big girl pants up and be a champion we could all respect and admire who would make the title mean something. But Keira will tell you all what she believes and what she hears and considering we’re dealing with a woman who lives in a delusional world of her own making we need to take what she says with a grain of salt.”
“I know exactly what Keira will say, I know what she will try and get across. She will smile at you all, play the victim and play up the “team hero” bullshit, trying to get you all on her side and paint me as the villain.”
“She will say she didn’t expect to get the internet shot, that she was simply being herself and Mark and Christian rewarded her for that. Maybe even bring up my failures despite the fact my failures are more meaningful than her successes. She will sit there and talk about how the only reason I beat her and the only reason I’m in this match is because of Andrea. Which, is a fact. A fact that is largely irrelevant.”
“For two reasons.”
“One. How many matches have you and I won and lost due to other people’s interference? How many times have titles and things changed hands because of it? Yeah it sucks and I would have rather won off my own efforts, but imagine if Andrea succeeded in what I believe she wanted to do and cost me the match? Would you shed a tear for me Keira? I think not. Because you are exactly what I have said you are. A fucking htypocrite.”
She points towards the camera with a chuckle.
”And reason two. You failed to beat me. You failed to beat me one on one a third time. So now, well, now you’re stuck with me in this match. You’re stuck with me trying to take that Bombshells internet title away from you just like you took the SCW Bombshells world title from me. I am in this match to make sure whoever walks out with it earns it, whether that is Andrea or me. I will make sure to keep that title Andrea has to walk through hell…”
“And I will make sure Keira doesn’t get her disgusting waste of space hands on it. I will make sure she doesn’t turn that title into a laughing stock just like she did my precious Bombshells world title.”
“I already tried to make Keira earn it, to earn what she wants and to stand up like a real champion, but instead of listening to me and accepting that I’m right and she needs to be humble she spat in my face. So now, I’m taking every opportunity she is being handed.”
“At High Stakes, I am beating Keira Fisher Johnson, I am beating Andrea Hernandez. And I will be the NEW Sin City Wrestling Bombshells Internet champion.
Session 15: Mistakes, I’ve made mine
It is in human nature to try and put the blame on other people. For your own mistakes or ones that were shared. To absolve yourself of any blame or sin is part of the natural human order. Very few people are able to own up to their mistakes as soon as they happen, very few people are able to own up to those mistakes at all. It is who we are to deflect them, to push guilt down and away so that we can live our lives in happy and ignorant bliss.It is only when forced to look in a mirror and see those mistakes for what they really are and the impact that they have had on our personality, past, and future that we try the one thing that should help us in the long run.
Self-improvement.
Deep down, that is what therapy is. Self-improvement. Talking to someone so they can hold up that mirror and force you to look into it and see the reflection. To fix the mistakes of your past and to acknowledge where you went wrong and how you can improve as a person in the future. To come to terms that no one is perfect and that you; in making those mistakes are human. However, that doesn't mean that it is easy. It doesn't mean that we can all have a look at ourselves and acknowledge where we went wrong. It is so much easier to think that mistakes are one-sided, especially in something as complex and complicated as love and relationships.
But what if it wasn't all the other person? What if you got it wrong? And what if your blind faith in your own abilities to process grief is what has led you astray?
”Why do you think your first marriage failed?”
Straight in like that, wow. The question hung in the air for a moment, Alicia thought about it for a moment. So many answers came rushing into her mind at once. He cheated. He pushed her into things that she didn't want. He was manipulative. He was abusive. All of these things were true. All of these things were justifications for leaving. However, there was no one reason behind it. All of them were mixed together and made Alicia question exactly why she left and when. She should have left earlier, or perhaps suggested they go to some sort of counseling. There was one thing for sure in her mind, the relationship was toxic for them both and needed to end.
She groaned, folding her arms over her chest. ”There were many reasons. A lot that I could say. But in the end, Chris was...he was bad for me. I needed to get away.” Dr. Whitlow nodded slowly, writing something down before clearing her throat and looking up at Alicia with a small smile. Alicia felt uneasy like she had eaten something that disagreed with her and she needed to throw up. ”I guess I...I wasn’t good for him either.”
She closed her eyes, Dr. Whitlow leaned forward, clasping her hands together and lowering her voice. ”Why? You can’t analyze his reasons or his actions, but you can your own.” Alicia nodded slowly, taking a deep breath as Dr. Whitlow stood up, moving the pad from her lap and sitting next to Alicia, reaching over to hold Alicia’s hands that had come together, Alicia’s fingers into lacing and moving up almost as if she was praying. ”Don’t run away, you’re stronger than that.”
She shivered, her stomach still in knots but slowly starting to calm down and unravel. Alicia closed her eyes and looked up as tears started to form. ”After Ronnie, I didn’t look for relationships. In Japan, I had a few one-nighters…” She trailed off, remembered how she would push every guy away after they both got what they wanted, stopping before feelings could develop. ”A few of the guys wanted to brag they bagged a gaijin. And I wanted to avoid having any emotions further than friendship. It worked out well. But when I came back stateside, Chris was there and I felt like I needed...someone…”
She trailed off again. Dr. Whitlow squeezed her hand and smiled. ”It’s actually very natural, you returned to a place where you had a negative feeling, regreesing from some of the strength you had gathered.”
Alicia felt ashamed, she was right and she felt it. She remembered feeling like the same awkward teenager. The same sheltered girl who had her innocence ripped from her when she and Ronnie were forced to be together. ”In the beginning Chris was a gentleman, some people didn’t get it, wondering why an aging cowboy was with a twenty something blond. I guess I started getting a reputation even then.” Alicia shrugged. ”Then, slowly he changed, he became convinced I was going to leave, convinced I was uninterested in him. I went out one night, I partied to get away. Then he, he set up a fucking wedding...a shotgun wedding...before I knew it we were married….”
There was disgust in her voice, bile trapped oin her throat as she started to feel a headache coming, throbbing on both sides of her head right in her temples. It caused her to convulse. Thinking of that night. Coming home, seeing the flowers, cheap ones he bought from a gas station, friends and witnesses, but all of them his, none of her family. And the feeling Alicia had in her body from being drunk. ”Why did you go along with it?”
She pulled her hands away from Dr. Whitlow, standing up from the couch and moving across the room, pacing as she raised her hands up and swept her fingers through her long blond hair, tugging slightly as she tried to bury her tears. ”I cheated on him that night.”
The words tasted wrong, like battery acid. Dr. Whitlows’ eyes widened as she put one leg over the other, her eyes were king, her voice was soft, there was no hint of judgment. ”So, you felt guilt?” Alicia nodded slowly, unable to answer. ”You felt forced into saying yes because of something you had done earlier in the night that went against your moral code. You were trying to correct it.” This was a logical response, to an illogical moment.
Alicia swallowed hard and felt her heart pounding, it pushed against the walls of her chest causing her ribs to hurt and expand. For the first time, she was confronted with the reasons why she married him, why she let herself fall into the trap that haunted her for three years of her life. ”Things just got worse, he found out I cheated on him, but instead of walking away he emotionally abused me, treating me like trash, owning me. And I let him do it, till one day I had enough…”
She drifted back, back to Atlanta Georgia. A small house she owned with Chris Cane, her former husband. It was in the middle of August and the summer heat was getting to everyone. Alicia sat outside, her arm in a cast from having her arm broken the month before. Because of her husband messing with the wrong woman. Alicia was ready to leave, to walk away and tell Chris it was over. Until he said those words. Those magic words broke her down whenever he used them. Well you cheated on me
It made her fall to the ground, it made her heart sink and she ap[ologised to him. Again.
It was emotional abuse and manipulation, but Alicia let it happen. She let it happen over and over again. No matter what Chris Cane did, it was always going to pale in comparison to the one mistake that Alicia made in the heat of the moment while being angry and drunk. In these moments she felt and thought she needed him, needed his love and acceptance. Needed Chris to be complete. She didn’t want him to leave as her father did. Or be taken like her sons. If she lost him, what did she have?
So now, her she was, wearing daisy dukes, cowgirl boots, and a white tank top, her long hair flowing from under a black bandana as she picked up the large plastic container filled with water chugging some down, her eyes refocusing on the black jeep Cherokee Chris had bought her. Instead of smiling, she felt angry, frustrated. Why couldn’t she just grab the keys, jump in and leave? Why couldn’t she run away?
It wouldn’t be the first time
And there it was, the reason why she wouldn’t. It wouldn’t be the first time. The truth is, to everyone else Chris was charming. Even Alicia’s mother thought he was great for her. And no matter what she said she knew Barbara would take his side. Blood was usually thicker than water. Not in this family. She was angry again, but this was common. She was always angry, always wanting to just run away. Her phone buzzed, she looked over, a number she didn’t recognize. ”Hello?”
”Is this, Violet Cane?”
Her stomach turned a double punch. Her birth name and her married name. She hated it. ”Yes…” There was silence for a moment, a gasp of shock, almost as if the person on the other end was surprised it was her. Strange really considering they called her number.
”You don’t know me and, I’m so sorry I have to do this but, my name is Kate. And I...slept with your husband Chris.”
”Oh…”
More silence hung in the air between them, Alicia no longer felt angry, she wasn’t even upset or sad. There was nothing as if her heart had stopped beating and her blood stopped pumping. She felt nothing. She was numb, on autopilot. ”I thought you should know, he didn’t tell me, I had to find out when I searched for him….I...again I’m so so sorry.” She started crying, not Alicia, the girl on the other end. Alicia stayed silent.
She let out a deep breath as if finally being able to breathe, think, and feel. Alicia looked over, Chris returned, his black pick-up coming through the gate. ”Right...thank you…”
”Do you need to ta-” click
”I walked out that day, I walked out and then never saw him again, not even when we divorced.” And we were back again right into the good doctor's office. Alicia was still standing, staring at the wall as Dr. Whitlow was sitting behind her on the end of the couch where Alicia would normally lay down. There was more silence between them, it lingered in the air as Alicia had nothing left to say on the matter. The doctor smiled and uncrossed her legs before standing up. She moved around beside Alicia.
Her hand moved up, finding Alicia’s shoulder. ”You did the right thing. You both made mistakes but you were punished continually for your one mistake while he was able to make many and bury you beneathe it.” She pauses and Alicia turned to look at her. ”What he wanted wasn’t love...it was control…”
She moved her hand, Alicia smiled and gave her a nod before exhaling. She had so much to think about, and so much more to go over. Tip of the iceberg is an apt term. But that is for another time…
The Golden Age
”Y’all should just call me nostradamus.”
Alicia’s blue eyes burned bright, her hair flowed down framing her face as her red lips turned upwards into an arrogant grin. She took a few steps pacing forward, then back, her arms moving around behind her back as her hands clasped together.
”Sometimes, opponents just, fall into the net and can’t get out. Kiera did it. Now, before I get into that I feel like maybe I need to clarify a few things. See, this match isn’t just about stopping Keira, this is about legacy. My legacy. Everyone else stomps around here like they mean something like they are the best but in reality, can very rarely stand up to the pressures and expectations. I have. I already have a hall of fame worthy career in SCW. I already have one involving all the other companies I have been in. I dominated WWH back when that meanest something, I dominated Honor Wrestling in a way that no one. NO ONE. Every saw coming. And then I came here. I shot straight to the top. And I didn’t do it based off nepotism or begging.”
“I didn’t cry for title opportunities like Crystal or Jessie. I didn’t sit back on my former glories in the company, cause I had none, like Mercedes Vargas. I went to the top of SCW because I b]earned[/b] it. I earned it from day one and through my years here I have been in high profile matches and I have beaten the best of the best.”
“I have etched my place in SCW folklore.”
“In fact, my name is already penciled into a future hall of fame spot, if you don’t see it or believe it then you are in denial and have no idea the mark I have left on my opponents, friends, the company and the fans. But, when I lost to Amber Ryan, I said I’d had enough. I’d had enough of being at the top like that because I was feeling as if I didn’t earn it, and that feeling, well it was a betrayal of everything I believed. I believe you earn what you deserve...and at the time I wasn’t sure I earned that. I did everything I could to win and Amber was the better woman on that night.”
Alicia pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath in, slowly shrugging as she tries to calm herself down, ,it was time to get her feelings across and let everyone know. She was not to be forgotten and fucked with.
”I always expressed my need and desire to step back, to go to other divisions and face new opponents and new challenges. I didn’t want to be just known as the world title chaser like Crystal is, I wanted to have my chance at glory in other places, for other titles. But when I saw Keira Fischer-Johnson being HANDED something, again, I couldn’t stand by. So I put my money where my mouth was. All Keira had to do to stop me was win, that’s it. And she didn’t. So, now I have that opportunity. I have the opportunity to become the Internet champion, add a new feather to my cap and to hold the one championship, currently active in SCW, that Wolfslair has yet to hold.”
“That is a lot of pressure, but it’s the pressure that I thrive in, that I embrace and need. That I love and brings out the very best in me. And all I have to do to win, to hold the Internet title is beat Andrea and Keira. And you know, I feel bad for Andrea. Because even though she is a champion, even though she won that title in a grueling tournament and kept it at the same level that Myra did, she is being overshadowed by the clear issues between myself and Keira. And Andrea doesn’t deserve that. She deserves the full attention from us both. And truth be told, it would also be a mistake if Keira and I just focused on erach other. Cause Andrea...well she isn’t someone to be underestimated.”
“I’ll say it over and over again, I don’t like Andrea Hernandez. But that doesn’t mean I don’t respect her. And I thought that maybe, just maybe Andrea would see that, maybe even see the same in me. But that isn’t what happened. In fact Andrea is sitting there trying to spin a narrative that I run from adversity. Really? REALLY? Oh sweet summer chuild. You done fucked up.”
Alicia can’t help but laugh, of all the things she could of said, all the things she could have brought up and tried to zero in on, that was the narrative she ran with?
”I run from adversity. By doing what exactly? By losing to Dani Weston, jumping right back up, destroying everyone in my path and then beating her for the Bombshells title? By Losing that title after Crystal decided to get involved and then coming right back to snatch it up? By beating everyone in my way until I lost it to Roxi Johnson, a woman that wouldn’t even be back in Sin City Wrestling if I hadn’t of put the challenge out there to begin with? Or how about getting my arm damn near ripped off by a psychopath named Bobbie Dahl who I returned, beat, then reclaimed my championship against Evi goddamn Jordan? Tell me how that is running from adversity…”
“Go ahead, I’ll wait. Cause I can tell you right now, you won’t. Not just that but you’ll do what you always do when someone throws the truth in your face. You’ll make shit up. You want to bring up Myra? Really? I wasn’t happy with their decision to out me against her, I still gave her a fight and did everything I could, and when I lost, I picked myself up, I dusted myself off and I continued forward. Like I always do.”
“You can say a lot of things about me, Andrea. I’m arrogant, self-righteous, I’m a bitch, I’m someone who is stubborn as a mule who refuses to let things go. I’m often very angry for no reason and I verbally attack people and maybe take it to far while also not taking some people seriously. When I should. All of those are good points, all of those are things people can pick on. Shit, you can even go real deep and talk about how insecure I am at certain points. But someone who runs from adversity? No.”
“Andrea, I make mistakes, I’m human. You want to say you “own” that shit right? Like when you faced me and I beat you, you realized you let the fear get inside your mind and you changed and made yourself better. But did you really make yourself better? Or have you swung back in the opposite direction? In fact, I’ll do you one better sweetheart.”
Alicia steps forward, a smile coming across her bright red-painted lips, the black smear on her face that she has worn as warpaint for the last few years is still there, a beacon of pain and determination.
”You turned around and said that I was bringing up things from my past, and you’re right, I do, because I’m proud of things I accomplish, but you ere trying to get the point across that it isn’t who I am now and while part of that is absolutely correct I think YOU missed the point. I still don’t back down from anyone. I lost of Keira twice, once for the title and once in a second match and while the first one, where I lost MY title I took, I internalized and I accepted the second one I just couldn’t. It ate away at me and destroyed my confidence, it angered me to no end. But, I didn’t give up did I?”
“No...I didn’t.”
“Instead I stood up, I dusted myself off and I went right after Kiera, I verbally attacked her and I told her the truth. I told her she didn’t deserve to beat me, I told her I could have broken her if I wanted to and I told her I’d face her again, I even said I would put my fucking career on the line and you know what she did Andrea? She said no. She ran. I was there, I was ready to go and I was ready to put everything on the line. All I am and what I could do in the future here would have been gone in an instant and it wasn’t “rinning:” it was standing my ground. So now here you are, swinging the pendulum back from being intimidated by me, all the way to being arrogant about who I am believing you have me all figured out and it’s a mistake. A huge one...so at High stakes I’m going to take your words, your attitude and your personality and shove them down your fucking throat….”
“Just like I will with Keira…”
The name tastes like ash in her mouth, Alicia breathes in and out slowly trying stil to stay calm despite the fact she was filled with anger and hatred.
”This has to come to an end Fisher-Johnson. This issue between us. See, there was once upon a time when I liked you Keira. I liked you, I liked Roxi and I respected you both. Even if I didn’t agree with certain things you did or the way you acted. I still saw two women who loved this business and who loved being in the ring and even though you constantly act like a pair of oversexed teenagers while you’re in your thirties I still could respect the love you had. Slowly that respect started to disappear. It disappeared for Roxi when she came back top SCW, lost to me and then flat out refused to show me the same respect I showed her.”
“It disappeared for you around the same time while I saw you riding her coattails and acting like you were at the top of the mountain despite never earning SHIT. It only got worse from there Kiera. It just spiraled down and very slowly I came to this clear-headed epiphany. Team Hero never stood for doing what was right. It stood for doing what was right, for you.”
“And that’s fine, there is nothing wrong with being in this for yourself or your loved ones and no one else. There is nothing wrong with not having respect for others you deem under you. But the fact you and that red-haired cunt aren’t honest about it is what really burned me. I showed you both respect and admiration only to have it thrown back in my face like I was undeserving and beneath you both. Roxi and you both have ended my title reigns and the fact it’s a matter of record makes me sick to my goddamn stomach but I still swallowed my damn pride and congratulated you both and said you earned those titles.”
“Titles that you both spat on and lost. Titles that you both took from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows and you never, ever admitted it. So you want to sit there and talk about MY ego? Bitch you need to put down your vibrator and look in the goddamn mirror.”
She lets out a growl throw teeth that gnash together.
”Shit, I even called what you were going to say, I said that you were going to zero in on me beating you because of interference. I knew it. I knew you couldn’t strand to admit that you failed again. Failed to stop me, failed to beat me. That match was going on and on and you couldn’t do it. Not to mention, you are all too eager to tout ONE ON ONE matches against me while ignoring other matches where I won and you lost. You want to play the victim, you want me to be the villian of your little soap opera story. You want to act like you’re the one everyone should care about.”
“You are a hypocrite Keira. Just like Roxi, just like Andrea. Hell, just like me.”
“But unlike you all, I can admit it. I can look at myself and say that I’m a bitch, I’m arrogant, I’m insecure and I can still drive forward. While you just sit back and play the victim. You act like everything is against poor little Kiera and you have only failed due to unfair matches, interference or “tainted” moments as you put them. But newsflash…”
“Life isn’t fair…”
“I have gone through enough bullshit ibn my life in and out of my business to know that. But you still live in this magical fairytale land where you and Roxi are some sweet all-conquering happy couple against the world and people are actually “scared” of your dark side and think that Sinn is a real person instead of a thinly veiled excuse for you to be the bitch we all know deep down you are. At High Stakes I’m going to walk into that ring and do everything I can to walk out as the internet champion. And I am daring you to stop me….”