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Roleplay Boards => Archived Roleplays => Climax Control Archives => Topic started by: Julianna DiMaria on August 16, 2024, 11:47:44 PM
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August 5
The afternoon after I got off the cruise following my win at Summer XXXtreme certainly was one of the more lighthearted ones that I could remember. It was a phenomenal feeling having that dark cloud dissipate at last and now that I had overcome a massive psychological block, I was finally feeling like there was a glowing light at the end of what was formerly a dark tunnel. I had to get to California pretty soon for another commitment, but before I went there, I was having lunch with my mentor, and former SCW Bombshell Myra Rivers, in her hometown of Miami.
I remembered that she was initially skeptical of me going back to SCW considering everything I had to suffer through in my first run, though as everyone knows, I brought much of it upon myself. But she noticed that I was in the best mood I had been in regarding the company in years.
“I remember when we came off that cruise four years ago, you wanted to quit…” Myra mentioned to me. I felt sad for a brief moment knowing how awful that was for me. “...I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did. But, I see the difference between then and now. I didn’t have any doubt that you’d succeed there with everything you’ve learned over the last two years, but you’re making it look easier than expected…”
“Yeah, I’m not going to get a big head about it…” I said, with a slight lower lip bite showing that I really didn’t want to make that mistake again as I had the first time around. “...I don’t need people hating me for it again…”
“I understand, but at some point you’ve just got to learn not to worry about perception anymore. You’re off to an amazing start and seeing you grow as I have, I’m proud of you. I mean that. I know you have pieces to put together still, but you’re doing great.”
“Thanks…” I said to her. “But, I’ve got to be honest about the reason why I wanted to have lunch with you and it wasn’t to beam about the win I just got. I’ve been doing some thinking and… you and I… we both went through the same thing in SCW…”
“I don’t follow…”
“We were both treated like garbage, talked down to. We were treated like we didn’t matter or that we were overrated. Every time we came up short in a big moment, it was inflated to kingdom come and made so much worse than it really was.”
“But that’s basically everyone in SCW any time they come up short in a big moment. It was back then, it still is now.”
“You didn’t deserve it in your case. You lost two world title matches and you were written off already as someone who ‘couldn’t win the big one’. I had that same thing happen to me prior to that and I was written off as someone who was a ‘flash in the pan’ and on a ‘massive downfall. You’re not wrong and I’m still battling and overcoming, we know that. But, I want to know how you did it.”
Myra doesn’t react at first.
“How did you overcome all of that? You were being treated horribly by the likes of Amber, Mac, Todd Williams, Roxi, Mikah…”
“Yeah, I was…” Myra was quick to admit. “I’d be lying if it said it never got to me. It did, though it was mainly because it was all tearing apart my relationship with my daughter. I had to go. I don’t regret going. All due respect, I’d never go back. But even then…”
“You ended up reaching the peak of your career despite all of that. I want to know what you did and learn what it takes because I want to overcome it just like you did.”
“Andrea, it’s nowhere near as complicated as you might think it is. But before I get into it, I want you to be honest with me. There’s a piece of you that’s worried about what will happen the first time you lose during this run or a time where you have a chance to be a world champion again and you fall short… you’re worried about how the other Bombshells are going to treat you knowing damn well that things haven’t changed as far as the egos in that room.”
“To an extent…” I said, not necessarily pleasing Myra.
“Don’t ‘to an extent’ me on that one, Andrea. Listen to me…”
Myra took a pause as she puts an arm around me. This was one of those moments where she was less like a mentor to me and more like a big sister.
“It’s two steps: face the negatives head on as you overcome every last one of them and focus on the future and what you truly believe in. When I left, I was a mix of angry and upset and yes, I did suffer through that horrible feeling of doing everything I could possibly do there and to represent the company as I did, being ABOVE all of that nonsense and everything yet STILL being unappreciated and treated like I didn’t matter. I turned that into motivation to focus on the future I wanted and the rest is history. For you, it’s going to be a process, you know that. Yes, it’s a hell of a thing that you’re doing with facing up to your past and overcoming your own flaws but you will need to reach a point very soon where you have to focus less on the redemption and overcoming the past and more about the future. You do understand what I’m saying, right?”
I had to think about this for a brief moment knowing that she was right on the money.
“I’ll be the first to admit that it’s hard to let go of it because of all of those emotions…”
“Were you scarred for life though? From all of that?”
“I thought I was at one point…”
Myra can’t help but chuckle at my answer.
“What I am trying to tell you is that while the past does matter, and the past can hurt and has hurt and it has had you feeling all sorts of ways, you can’t stay stuck in it forever. I get that you went through so much. I understand your brother and the way he treated you when you were growing up, the way the likes of UWA and OCW were treating you, how some people in SCW treated you, the shaft you got between stints in places like… what was that St. Louis promotion called again?”
“Not important…” I said with a laugh.
“SEE? That’s it right there. You need to make the past less important whenever you take all the lessons that you need to take, Andrea. You want to do that, right?”
“I want to do that more than anything in the world, Myra. I want that brighter future and that bigger confidence that you managed to achieve after you left SCW. I want to live out the dream that I’ve always had since I was a little girl as free as possible from all the burdens, obstacles and trauma that I’ve had to live through not just throughout my wrestling career, but throughout my entire life too. As much as I own up to my own wrongs in the company, I didn’t return to Sin City Wrestling to go on an “Apology Tour” or a “Grand Redemption Tour”. I went back because I know that’s where I had to be a success all over again so I can prove to myself that I can do anything that I set my mind to and overcome so many of the deep, emotional scars I’ve had to suffer through for years….”
I took a pause while tears filled my eyes and my heart was filled with determination.
“I never, EVER wanted my ‘legacy’ in that company to be a ‘flash in the pan’ world champion, or someone that was massively hated, or someone that lost an Internet Championship to a flash in the pan in her own right that was doing nothing but burying me into the ground with her hurtful words just like everyone else and…”
“ANDREA…” Myra exclaimed, catching me off guard. “I’m going to stop you right there.”
I was numb for a split second and took a few deep breaths realizing that I was starting to get caught up in the negatives that had consumed me for so long.
“Masque De Lune doesn’t mean shit anymore…” Myra told me bluntly. “Evie Jordan doesn’t mean shit, nor does Roxi Johnson, or Diamond Steele, or anyone else in that company that has wronged you in any way. I had to beat a similar mantra into my own brain after I left… though replace Masque with Amber, Evie with Mac and Diamond with Teddy Warren and you get the picture…”
“Right…” I said with a sigh. “Sorry, I got a little too emotional there.”
“That’s the one thing you have to remember: the people or the companies that have hurt you or tried to screw you over don’t mean shit. Got it? Now, if you want to heal your emotional scars, by all means find a way to confront them at the source, any way you can… and I’d start with that brother of yours. I’m glad you forgave him over the phone on the cruise, but don’t you think face to face would be best?”
“You’re right…” I said,, without hesitation. “Thank you, Myra. You truly are the best mentor anyone can ask for. It means so much that throughout all of these years, even though there were times I’ve treated you god awful, you still try to be there for me so much…”
“Andrea, you’re more than just a protege. At this point, you’re like a little sister to me and I know you feel the same way. You’re on your way to better things than before and don’t let any scars you’ll suffer through: past, present and future… tell you otherwise.
I nodded, fully understanding. I was back to an even level from a psychological standpoint and I was definitely grateful for Myra that she gave me just the roadmap I needed for this second run in SCW to be far more successful than the first.
August 11
My father’s grave was a familiar place for me. But I wasn’t necessarily here to mourn him or to visit him. I figured this was the perfect place to start that aforementioned roadmap and that “perfect place” came into practice when my older brother Roddy showed up and I was shocked to see he had a bouquet of violets.
“Dad wasn’t a flower person…” I reminded him.
“These aren’t for Dad…” he said, as he handed them to me. I was caught off guard as he embraced me for a second and even briefly had a spine tingling sensation.
“I’m sorry, I’m going to have to get used to you being so nice to me.”
“I understand. I’m surprised you wanted to meet face to face so soon…”
“Trust me, so am I…” I said with a sigh, knowing that just seeing him again one on one after all the abuse he put me through when we were kids was difficult in and of itself. “...but there’s no doubt in my mind that this is what Dad would’ve wanted…”
“Of course…”
“Listen, I appreciate what you said over the phone when I forgave you and I especially appreciate that you took responsibility for my psychological issues and the confidence concerns I’ve had throughout my career. But at the same time, we have a long way to go…”
“That’s on me. I’ll do everything that I can to make everything up to you. I’m not even sure I truly deserve your forgiveness but at the same time, I am happy for you that you are strong enough to do that. I just want things between us to be good…”
“I hate to admit it, but that’s what I want too. But in order for me to do that, I need to heal from EVERYTHING you put me through. You admitted your wrongs and that means the world to me, but when we were on the phone, you didn’t tell me one thing…”
“What’s that?”
“WHY?” I asked, with an increased boldness in my voice. Just that one word was enough to spook him and I could tell that asking him that cut him extremely deep.
“That’s the question you can’t answer with ‘young and stupid’, isn’t it?”
“Why did you bully me? Why did you say those hurtful things to me like saying I should just stick to being in the kitchen like all the women before me in our family? Why did you beat me up in that closet shortly before you went to prison? Why did you hate me so much?”
The tears were falling because I couldn’t hold back all the childhood sadness anymore. Roddy sighed and I could see it in his eyes that inside, he was breaking.
“It started innocent enough with you being the typical ‘annoying baby sister’ that didn’t know any better. But the moment you said, for the first time, that you wanted to be a professional wrestler… when was that? Your 8th birthday?”
“Seventh…”
“I got mad and… god this is fucking stupid considering how old we were, but considering how that was my dream as well, I saw you as ‘competition’ so I threw everything I could at you so you could give up on being a wrestler yourself. At first, I didn’t think you were THAT serious, but when you kept talking about it… all of those times you would be all “Daddy, I want to be a wrestler” and “Daddy, please let me be a wrestler”... every time you would say you didn’t want another career that our parents were suggesting to you, I knew it was what you wanted and I wanted to kill your dream. I hurt you because I wanted to break you to the point where you would just give up on that dream and needless to say, I got far too carried away.”
I took a deep breath as I processed my answer and in my head, suddenly, things were beginning to feel like they were making sense.
“I was your first enemy in this business long before you ever entered it. I completely understand if any of that is hard for you to hear, but in the end? We both ended up with exactly what we deserved. I lost my opportunity to be part of this business and to carry on the family tradition as I had always dreamed of and I got nobody to blame but myself for that, and you? Lord… you…”
He gently touched my shoulders.
“Lord, look at you… everything you’ve overcome to get to this point of your life and your career. You kept pushing and you kept believing and that’s the kind of attitude that is going to make you probably the most successful wrestler our family has ever had. Andrea, you’ve got everything it takes to go down in the books as one of the most legendary, brilliant wrestlers of your generation…”
Hearing that made me happy, albeit in a numb disbelief.
“You’ve always had it… and better than me at that. You’ve got all the tools in the world to be at Myra’s level… if not greater than that. I just don’t want you to throw it away because of me or because you didn’t believe in yourself enough. If I, your worst abuser and your biggest bully and the person that is the cause of your fading confidence issues, sees that, then why shouldn’t you?”
“I still can’t believe you’re being so good to me…” I said, feeling the shock of things.
“If there’s anything I can do to help, anything… name it. Alright?”
“Sure…” I said, not knowing how to process that, especially when he gave me a hug and a brief kiss on the forehead.
“You haven’t come close to achieving your greatest destiny yet…” he told me as he turned and left. I looked back at my father’s grave.
“Daddy, was that you possessing him just now?”
I took a breath. Though I felt great from that conversation, half of me was skeptical of my abusive big brother. Even then, most of me was hoping he meant well.
August 16
On a quiet, dark night I found the camera on me at the base of Kiyomizu Temple. I surrounded myself with literally broken imagery ranging from old, broken dolls from my childhood I brought along as well as a shattered replica of the SCW Bombshells World Championship and a few broken mirrors. It wasn’t long before I expressed my thoughts…
“Self-mutilation…
There’s no doubt that it’s a sensitive subject for some considering the wide context that term can mean. If you’re putting yourself through a physical hell in this business, breaking your body repeatedly and wrestling hardcore match after hardcore match of some sort, then I can see that context fitting that term. In fact, those that know the scene here in Japan know that this country is known for some of the most brutal deathmatches known to man… some of which even involve swords for fuck’s sake. Self-mutilation can also mean ‘self-abuse’... and as far as my Sin City Wrestling journey is concerned, I put myself through so much of that. Hell, growing up I put myself through so much of it thinking that an older brother of mine was going to come around and treat me better and STILL trying to have any sort of relationship with him only for him to torture me worse and worse with time. Harming yourself… or allowing yourself to go through such harm… physical or psychological… it can really break you to the point where you just want to give it all up and move on to something else in your life because you just can’t take the pain anymore…
So Raine, I’m going to be straight up with you on something here. I don’t know you. That’s the curse of facing a debuting wrestler after all. I know OF you. I know of your deathmatch history. I know of what you’ve had to suffer through in your career and I know that people that are generally LIKE you have a tendency to want to inflict the pain that they have suffered themselves onto other people just to make themselves feel better and/or they want to use their own suffering as an excuse to bring out that mouth shaped golden shovel and bury everyone in sight and exaggerate everything that they can about their opponents or anyone that they come across just to make them feel like shit. I’ve been in the game long enough, Raine. If you’re suffering… if you’re hurting… I sincerely apologize for that but I am NOT your fucking punching bag to take it out on NOR am I your statement bitch. You do NOT… and WILL NOT… make me your statement bitch to the rest of the roster. That’s not going to fucking happen. I am NOT going to allow YOU to treat me like shit because I did that ENOUGH the first time I was here. I TOO, was a self-abuser… unwittingly in hindsight, yes… but GOD, I can just walk through every fucking time I allowed myself to be treated like shit by someone in this locker room just because I was stubborn enough to want to prove them wrong and silence them…
Hell…
When I left this company, I left it FAR later than I should’ve. I suffered because I chose to suffer. I chose to be in pain. When I lost that SCW Bombshells World Championship to literally one of the worst pieces of shit of a person that I’ve ever met in my life, it fucking broke me for YEARS and then my father dying on top of it just made everything worse. I chose to suffer because I kept going even though I should’ve stopped at that point and all I did was further drive myself into the ground. So having said that, Raine… I want to know how far into the ground are you? You’re someone that I know I can beat… and it’s not because of the fact that you’ve been in all of these deathmatches and have suffered through hell after hell and your body might not have enough left…
No…
It’s because of two simple reasons…
The first? I KNOW I am mentally stronger than you! Recovering from physical pain is one thing, but the PSYCHOLOGICAL pain that I dealt with when I was here and that broke me to the point where I was an unrecognizable person and took it out on everyone else… to be able to OVERCOME all of that torture, much of which I brought on myself stubbornly sticking with SCW even though I shouldn’t have admittedly… to come back here a BETTER wrestler than before? It dwarfs whatever the hell you’ve been through especially since what you’ve been through… you’re making the same mistake that I was making which was pushing on with the status quo and never changing or evolving. I completely understand not wanting to give up the business and I am definitely not imploring you to do so, but if you’re going to come in here with the same stubborn mindset you’ve clearly developed in other places considering all the hell that you have unwisely chosen to put your body through over the years, then you’re not going to be as successful here as you want to be in this company, I will be brutally honest with you on that. This Bombshells division has had its fair share of violence and memorable extreme moments. Fuck, we even had an exploding barbed wire match once and we have a supercard called “Violent Conduct” that epitomizes that. The Roulette Division on both sides of the gender spectrum have had their moments.
But in this company, you get by through pure and technical ability FIRST because if you don’t have THAT? You don’t stand a chance. I’m definitely not saying that you don’t have that, but a wrestler like you? It’s plainly obvious that you’ve never prioritized being a pure, technical wrestler. You’ve made your money and your fame off of ultraviolence and making other people bleed all while willingly bleeding yourself, but your pure craft is something you’ve neglected for years, isn’t it? That’s the big question I suppose… as you start your own journey here: are you here to actually adapt, change and evolve? Or is it just going to be the same old song and dance as your earlier career? If it’s the ladder, then allow me to mention the second simple reason why I know I’ll beat you…
…you’re a mirror image of what I was in this company before… to a certain extent…
In my last match, I saw Kallie Reznik, one of my opponents, as a mirror image of what I was before in the best way… what I would’ve become if I didn’t allow the hurtful words of other people to break me down so much…
But with you? It’s the opposite…
That mirror image is one of a broken woman…
I can tell that you’re someone that has been through so much not just in your career, but your personal life… just like I have. Granted, with me, it’s been more of a psychological thing…
And it wasn’t just petty things like being overlooked…
It was literally being treated like fucking shit…
You seem to be the kind of person that doesn’t know how to do anything but suffer if you’re going to put together the career that you have had so far. Coming from someone with experience in this sort of thing, someone that is willing to suffer so fucking much is someone that doesn’t see the worth in themselves and that’s the unfortunately sad truth about you and how you see yourself, isn’t it Raine? I was willing to suffer through what I did during my first run in this company, through all of the shit I was eating… from the fucking ABUSE that I took from some empty bitches that never had it in them to last longer than just a spurt here and a spurt there… from people rooting for me to fail…
…to being fucking slandered under the sun AFTER I left in fact…
I was willing to suffer to shut people up, to be a champion again, to be outwardly hated so that I could prove to everyone else that I was better than them. Girl, I was the EPITOME of suffering and putting myself through torture and hell so that I could dish it back and overcome everyone that I thought was my enemy whether they were still in the company or not. I put myself through a very fucked up alcohol problem at one point, even going as far as doing promos while I was even the slightest bit inebriated…
I allowed myself to suffer in my heart from being so FUCKING insecure yet I pushed on HOPING and PRAYING that a big win here, a big win there and the Internet Championship was going to fulfill that Grand Canyon sized void that formed when I lost the World title and when my father passed away all within weeks of each other… because… FUCK… every time I wrestled a match, if I wasn’t shitfaced drunk after the fact, I’d be looking in the mirror of my hotel and fucking CRYING my eyes out… HATING that person looking back at me, WANTING her to go away, FEELING like she was worthless and GOD there was DEFINITELY a broken mirror or two along the way…
I didn’t love myself enough to say “STOP” and to pull myself out of the situation that was putting me in the downward spiral I was in while I was here the first time… that I was SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY able to mask with an Internet Championship reign and a long winning streak… until I was able to FINALLY say “STOP” and spend two whole fucking years finding myself, rebuilding myself and learning about who I am and what makes me happy and what I can do in this business because let me tell you this Raine…
…if I can go on an 18 match win streak, which featured multiple hall of fame members by the way, and have a 200 day Internet Championship reign in spite of suffering SO much and with my self-esteem being at the darkest, lowest, emptiest point it had ever been on since my childhood…
Then what the hell am I capable of when the demons have been slain and when I put it ALL together and truly discover the power of self-love and having the greatest self-esteem you can ask for?
A HELL of a lot…
And you’re going to get a taste of that this Sunday, Raine… when I face that mirror image of sorts of the person that I used to be… the person that hated herself so much she didn’t care how much she suffered… and I beat that mirror image.
You’re probably not going to like what I had to say… and hell, I might even be off base in some aspects…
But that’s okay…
But one thing that I know in my heart at this point when it comes to you and me is that the biggest difference between us is that you’re STILL willing to suffer and STILL willing to put yourself through hell while I have decided that for my own sake, I deserve better than suffering and putting myself through the torture and the hell that I did the first time that I was here. The biggest thing that decides this match is the fact that I know I come into this valuing myself as a human being and as a person BETTER than my opponent in the same situation. I don’t want to come off like I am reading too much into this…
…but I can’t imagine someone that walks around with the nickname that you choose to wear as a badge valuing themselves as a human being all that much.
But no matter what, you’re not going to bring me down. You’re not going to cause me any harm or suffering. Whatever empty words you want to throw at me, you can take those words and shove them because I know better now and I KNOW that the outcome of a match doesn’t make those words right or wrong at all and I definitely know better than to allow the words of another person to define me.
You’re not going to break me…
Not when, as far as my career is concerned… especially here…
I’ve already BEEN broken worse than I ever will at any future point of my career.
It’s that inner strength that will see me through to what I feel will be my greater destiny here in the end… one that I know I have more than you do…
One that I know will carry me to a victory…
This phoenix still has plenty of fire left in her… and there’s no rain on earth that is going to extinguish that fire anymore…
I had a bit of a laugh with that pun I snuck in there at the end, but as I shut off the camera?
All I was focusing on was my glowing, and growing, confidence… a confidence unlike anything I’ve ever had at any point in my life or career.