13. The Bond we share
Stay Broken
Our lives are always shaped by the decisions we make. In Fact the infinite reality theory says that for every action ever made in the world, every decision there is an alternate reality. No matter how mundane or basic the decision is. From whether to get sugar in your morning coffee or an artificial sweetener, to non dairy creamer or milk, to move or stay where you are. All decisions, all the time, all day and all night cause a fork split and a tree is formed.
It’s theories like this one that cause my brain to hurt as I think about the many b”what if’s” in my life. What if I’d left sooner?. What if I never did?. What if Amber and Jaxon stayed?. What if our mother left our father when we were born?...or when Amber was born?. Then there’s my decisions that fractured my relationship with them. The decisions that broke my own heart as well as others.
Where would I be if I had walked away from the life I had gotten into?
Where would I be if I hadn't let Ana Valentine corrupt me?
Would I even be the same person?. You see I was much more like Tasmin when I was younger. Her sweet and kind nature is a genuine product of her life. She was untouched, pure, loved and protected. She had a step father that loved her after our father passed away. She was protected by myself and Amber before Amber took off to America.
Me though?. Mine was a mask. But it was a mask I was comfortable in. A smile that didn’t turn my stomach. A sweet tenderness I didn’t feel was fake. But then a meeting changed it all. A moment where my sister was so busy with her own life, her own issues that she didn’t even see it coming. She didn’t see the dark shadow approaching me from behind ready to destroy me for the sake of a hatred that was directed at her.
Ana fucking Valentine.
Now don’t let her little happy life fool you. The smile with her new husband after she dropped Alex Jones for finally getting sick of being humiliated in public and fucking a younger...less saggy version of her. Her kids and her corporate life. She is a killer. She is a vile sadistic, manipulative bitch. And I admire her for that. See everything I am, everything I do is because of her.
She took me, she used me, she pushed me towards a darkness and an acceptance of my apathy I never knew existed. So really, I should thank her. In this world, and no I don’t mean professional wrestling, I mean the world at large the proper attitude to have is that of selfish love. Love for yourself and love for your own goals and aspirations….
As good as my sister was, as good as my would be mentor was and as good as my now ex is….I am that much fucking better. I am a vicious, cold hearted force of destruction...my heart is black and cold and when I look at everyone I face I don’t see fellow human beings. I don’t feel compassion….I feel anger, I feel hatred...I feel righteous….
And I always have and always will. But still, my sister says I betrayed her. But the truth is, she betrayed herself….
Go, play dead
They like it better when you're in your head
Don't forget to stay broken
Quick, survive, you'll never make it out alive
She brought me here
She brought me here to die
Yet somehow I survived
6 years ago
Norwich England.
I was back home for the first time in a year. The cold air hit me in the face like a slap as I got off the plane. I had been sent with instructions to tell my family I was fine, not to worry, that I had found a place of my own and was training to follow in Amber's footsteps. I was told to lie. The truth is that I was being treated as a house pet. Sick perversions thrust upon me in the name of becoming humble.
The entire way to my mothers I had a sick feeling deep in my stomach, a sense of foreboding that just wouldn’t leave. What the hell was it?
I walked to the door and let myself in plastering a happy smile on my face as I saw my mother, she smiled back, not as big as I thought, something seemed on her mind, she gave me a hug and sighed, then I felt another one, I turned and there was Tasmin, 14 years old and almost as tall as me, her long black hair dyed with a few blonde and purple streaks. God she looked more like me and Amber than I thought. I laughed and we made small talk. Then it hit me the feeling of being watched.
I turned and saw her. Amber. In the house, away from Renee, standing right next to me. I swallowed hard and there was a silence, an uncomfortable one you could cut with a knife, the tension in the air so thick. She stepped forward and gave me a hug, it was awkward and full of dislike and anger. As Tasmin and our mother talked Amber leaned in and whispered one sentence that sent a chill down my spine.
“She won’t save you….”
Present Day
I always hated Christmas.
A stupid holiday, dreamt up after some christians learned of the winter solstice. Some tacky man in a red suit would sneak into your home and leave you presents under a plastic tree with cheap, plastic decorations hanging off of it. Think about this, we are teaching children that an overweight geroiatric will enter your home and leave you shit that you ask for if you’re a “good” boy or girl.
It’s a fucking Jared Fogal attack waiting to happen.
But, al in all, that isn’t my main issue with it. I despise the feeling of guilt thrust upon all of us who hate the holiday by friends and family. The myth that we need to spend the holidays with “loved ones” and sing christmas carols, exchange gifts and have a meal. Disliked members have to play nice with each other and in the end we have to act like the anger of the year is all gone for the day and night. It is honestly a level of fake that I cannot bring myself to enjoy or fake enjoying.
December 23rd, at the new york apartment of my sister Amber and her dipshit wannabe viking husband. The bar managing sock puppet who turned my sister from a trained killer ready to take the wrestling world by the balls into a domesticated houseplant. They sat there, smiling happily as my twin nieces laughed and played with one another, Tasmins daughter, my youngest niece laid in her mobile crib, asleep as the madness went on. My mother, her new boyfriend, our younger sister Tasmin and her baby daddy Adam Sanders rounded out the bowl of fruits and nuts.
And then, there I was, alone and annoyed. Annoyed I had to be here, annoyed I had to fake smile and act like this, any of this, meant a damn thing to me. Presents sat under the tree, I didn’t expect anything, I didn’t want anything but just incase, I had a large stack of starbucks gift cards in my pocket as return gifts. Why starbucks? Shit I don’t know, I just heard it was a trend.
”You could act like you want to be here ya know?”
I rolled my eyes, my arms folded over my chest and I let out an audible groan before shooting a look at her. ”That means I would want to be here, which I don’t…”
”Why?....whats your issue? Can’t you just enjoy yourself for one christmas?” I shook my head, turning to move to the door, I wanted to get out, I needed to get out. ”Kay…come on..”
I stopped and threw my hands in the air turning to Amber. ”Look, this has been fun but I have somewhere to be tomorrow and I’m tired, so…”
”Where the fuck do you have to be?”
”Her boyfriends christmas party…”
I turned my head slowly, shaking my head and rolling my eyes again. ”Finns christmas party…a party that you also got invited to. So if you want to make an appearance don’t stay here to late with these old fogies…” I reached into my pocket pulling out the gift cards and putting them on the table. ”Merry Christmas…”
I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed
”It has previously occurred to me that I may have to give my personality a little upgrade. See, I don’t subscribe to this whole “new year new me” thing, I never have. But maybe a new years resolution is in order. Simply for the fact that, I have come to a realisation about my interactions and feeling with most of you. And yes, I recognise that a change is needed…”
“Because I have been too fucking nice to you all”
Kayla scoffs and rolls her eyes before folding her arms over her chest, the SCW Internet championship sitting in front of her, the nameplate proudly displayed as she clears her throat.
”Look at where we are now? The first supercard of the year and the first show of 2023. Inception, a fitting name. But SCW had one chance to hit the ground running and show the wrestling world it meant business. A time to show the wrestling world that new names and faces would be ready to take the world by storm. But, you know what we got? Masque and Amber Ryan, the back and forth feud that just won’t die. The clusterfuck match for a championship that is chaotic and trashy, like a vegas stripclub. And Ken Davison, the most irrelevant world champion in history defending his title against three men while Finn beats up an overrated geriatric.”
“Wow…”
“Something Finn and I will have in common huh?”
“I can’t blame SCW for wanting to organise something, anything, but this whole “the more things change the more they stay the same” aspect needs to stop. See, I have beaten the one hundred day mark as Internet champion, but the fact is I should have broken that barrier months before hand because I should never have lost the belt to begin with. I should never have let the title fall into the hands of a woman who had one foot out the door and was using it as a goddamn trinket off a checklist.”
“I told everyone that this title deserved better and I meant it. So I have done everything I can to make damn sure this championship becomes prestigious.”
She pauses and lays her hand on the title with a smirk, clearly this means alot to her, she takes a deep breath and nods before continuing.
”And I started that journey by facing a woman who I see a s afuture star in wrestling. Even if I don’t like her and think she’s a little bit of a ditz, Bella Madison showed us all what she is capable of and I wanted to spotlight that. Than, well then I wanted to go in the opposite direction, a seasoned veteran and they gave me someone who is, perhaps, the most seasoned. Mercedes Vargas. Now, the preview for Inception talks about how Mercedes is a huge test, perhaps the biggest test that I have faced in SCW thus far.”
“Kind of misleading isn’t it? I mean I thought Mercedes Vargas was a threat, I thought her experience would put up a challenge for me to overcome. That is, until I beat her in November at Climax Control 346. And, leading up to that match, to that title defense I told you Mercedes, I told you exactly what I wanted. I told you I wanted the old Mercedes Vargas. The woman who has won championships the world over and for twenty years was synonymous with this business.”:
“I didn’t want the Mercedes Vargas that failed to win the WWH title time and time again right up until the company closed its doors. I didn’t want the Mercedes Vargas that has been content to coast on her name and collect a paycheck for the last three years. I wanted the old Mercedes Vargas. And I warned you what would happen, didn’t I?”
“I beat you. I beat you easily. I walked away still the internet champion.”
“And you then got gifted, GIFTED a championship contenders match. And against Jessie Salco. Wow, amazing how you keep getting handed this shit. I got a rematch for this after I lost it Mercy, but I was the champion going into the match originally. You? You lost, you failed. You were on a losing streak and SCW handed you the only other veteran wrestler in this company who is more delusional than you…”
Kayla scoffs, rolling her eyes again before flopping down in her chair, grabbing the Internet title off the desk and trowing it over her shoulder as she kicks her feet up on the glass table.
”You actually think, in the year of our lord 2023, that you are still some kind of threat to people like myself. Shit your obsession with stats has shown it. You were on a losing streak since June, you broke that by beating Jessie Salco, someone who had the wheels of her own career fall off a while ago, and then what Mercy? You were all ready to get another shot at this only to get beat down by Alicia Lukas’ baby sister…wow…amazing.”
“Guess you couldn’t fluke a win over the baby sister like you did the older one who had made you her bitch for the better part of five years huh?”
“But we should all bow down to you right? You had a chance to get more momentum going into this match and you failed. Hell leading up to the match with Zoey you said less about her and more about stats no one gives a shit about. First to reach 80 singles wins, get the fuck out of here with that shit. The only stats that matter Mercedes are, how many titles have you won, how many defenses you got and how many days you held it. Winning 80 singles matches when you have been in a company for nine years. That isn’t as impressive as you think…”
“Shit I’m pretty sure Bill Barnhart just ate his millionth cheeseburger in 72 years of life, should we pay him on the back and give him a record too? Most of your SCW records that you seem so obsessed with have the validity of the ones in the guinness book of world records…you know the ones…like a guy who has the record for fitting as many lithium batteries up his ass as he can fit….”
“See, not that impressive huh?”
She scoffs, kicks her legs off the table and gets to her feet, grabbing the Internet title and slinging it over her shoulder, dressed in black converse, skinny black jeans and a black and red Korn shirt with a leather biker jacket over the top she looks less like a classy champion and more like some bikers side ho…and she's ok with that
”Thing is Mercedes, I think we all know why you cling onto this pointless shit, why you mention such obscure, random records and statistics, it’s causer, quite honestly, it’s all you have left. The shine went off your apple a long time ago, the air deflated from your tyres, the wheels fell off and you’ve been driving down that road on the rims for years now. It is all you have left to cling onto. All the relevancy you can find, because you have been beaten down and overtaken by younger, better athletes. And as much as you wish you could go back in time, you can’t. Time marches on, it moves forward and the light at the end is getting closer, and closer.”
“I told you last time, I wanted the old Mercedes, which was, ironically, the young Mercedes. And you let me down, I wasn’t angry, I was just disappointed.”
“I built this epic showdown up in my head, after seeing matches with you and Sam Marlowe, Roxi Johnson and other greats in SCW as well as remembering you in matches with my sister I wanted…more. I wanted a champion, And what I got was…well…not that.”
“You actually said, right before your match with Salco, that you had no business losing to me. The fact you believe that shows just how far you’ve fallen and how blind you are Vargas. It shows the full blown delusion that you have let creep into your arrogant little mind. You sit there and run your mouth about me to Salco when you couldn’t be bothered to say anything of note about me prior to our last match. And even then the only things you can come up with are that I’m arrogant and some crack about sitting in catering…”
She chuckles, shaking her head before flashing her emerald green eyes up toward us all.
”That’s the best you got? Really? Let me explain something to you. The difference between someone like you, and someone like me. I’m special. When I get in the ring, It’s an event, in fact, I question SCW’s intelligence putting me in the opening match, on the one hand I get bto set the tone for the rest of the night by beating you within an inch of your life, but on the other hand there is a real possibility that the crowd will take an extended piss break after I beat you until Finn gets in the ring and does the same to Chris Page later that night….”
“That is how special I am.”
“But you? You wrestle more than me because when you get in the ring it’s….well..”
“It’s just a sunday….”
“And a week from this sunday, when I step in the ring with you Mercy, you’re going to get to stand in that spotlight you crave so fucking much, and when it’s all said and done, you’ll be able to add new stats into your mental rollerdex of pointless bullshit, another win for Kayla Richards, and another loss for Mercedes Vargas…”
14. Bad Reputation….
When you stop fighting against yourself and truly feel comfortable in your own skin is the moment that happiness manifests. In these last few months I’ve taken you all through everything I had experienced. From my childlike innocence being taken and smashed by my fathers drunken abuse. Through my heart being ripped from my chest, to it being put back together piece by piece only for the on switch to be faulty. And also through my own misunderstanding of who and what I am.
But I’ve never revealed the moment it all became clear.
I’ve never really talked about what it took and what happened for the fog in my mind to flow away as quickly as it had rolled in when I was five years old. You have to think of your life as a shoreline. waves will come in and crash over and over and for most people it simply brings the sand back in as it takes it away and a sort of renewal happens. But for me the waves hit and took and took and took until nothing was left but grey, hard, stone.
The soft sand had just not been meant for someone like me. But when it first happened I had no idea what it meant. I still fought against my own nature and blamed myself for it and it’s something I still struggle with today. It’s something I struggle with when I talk to my mother, my sisters even Matt.
I look at them and know I should care, I look at them and know I should feel apathy. If they’re happy I should understand why, if they’re sad I should feel sad for them. I look at Amber to see the comparison. There was a time when the oldest of the three of us was a vicious bitch. Feared...loathed but respected. In fact she was so feared that her biggest rival took me and used me as a pawn against her.
That’s right, Ana Valentine used me as a way to try and control Amber fucking Richards. And the Amber of today would have folded. She would have looked at me, her little sister, in pain and being used, abused and destroyed physically and emotionally and she would have begged and pleaded for it to end, for Ana to simply leave me alone. That is the Amber that exists today, a happy, somewhat well adjusted young woman and mother.
But the Amber from back then?
The Amber that first walked into this business?.
She looked at Ana Valentine, a woman who tried to show the world she was a fearless bitch, a queen who bowed to no one and she simply...laughed.
She laughed at Ana’s threats, she laughed at Ana’s attempts to control her through me, to hurt her through me. Amber looked at me as a liability and walked away, she abandoned me. And I know you’d expect me to feel shit about that, to hate my sister. But the truth is I hate what she’s become. She’s a soft, smiling, happy domesticated houseplant. And for a long time I couldn’t understand why I felt nothing for that. I couldn’t understand why her happiness didn’t mean anything to me. Why Tasmins didn’t either.
I care about my sisters, I love Amber, I love Tasmin, I love my family. I know I do, but I can’t feel it like you all do. I can’t tap into this well of love and devotion. And this worries me. Because I know someday I’ll have to face the one thing that does send a chill up my spine.
Motherhood.
Amber loves her twins, they started the change and the catalyst. And her son being born soon will just further the turn. Tasmin looks at our nieces and her own daughter with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. But when my time eventually comes and I conceive a child, when I’m laying in a hospital bed and they hand the child to me, I’ll smile, I’ll cry but deep down I won’t feel a fucking thing. And you know what?.
I’m fine with that…
Two Weeks Ago
Christmas had been, interesting. To say the least. A party featuring so many people I didn’t like or care about, forced social interaction and a few drinks leading to something that I have wanted for a long time. Something real. But, as these things do, the word spread. People who hung around myself and Finn were talking, whispering amongst themselves to keep themselves occupied. I guess they are all so bored and sad in their own lives they have to talk about mine…
Atleast my sister had the common courtesy to ask and try and talk to me.
It was still weird, her trying to do the old chestnut of “girl talk” while standing in my kitchen. A hot cup of tea sitting in front of her, coffee in front of me. Her long black hair tied back, a smirk on my face, her dye job made her look more like myself and Amber than she would ever realize. She tapped her fingertips on the sides of the mug before tilting her head looking up at me. ”So…interesting little get together for christmas huh?” I simply nodded, nothing else. No other reaction.
Tasmin waited patiently, but the fact I gave her nothing seemed to make her anxious.
”You and Finn disappeared pretty early…” I nodded again, taking a sip of my coffee and flipping through a housewares magazine, we needed a new coffee table….stupid Milo and hit uncultured way of not using a coaster under his goddamn drinks. ”What uh…what did you guys do?” Her voice inflection went up toward the end, not just with the question, but also insinuation.
I cleared my throat and gave her a small look out of the corner of my eye. ”We got away from it all, watched a movie, fell asleep.”
She wanted to know more, ask more. I could see it in her eyes as I took another sip of my coffee. Tasmin swallowed and sat forward. ”So, you two like, spent the night together…and you watched a movie?...is that…it?” I know what she was asking, what she wanted to know. I shook mhy head and took a deep breath.
”That’s it…nothing else happened Tas…”
She bit her bottom lip and tilted her head studying me, she nodded slowly and sighed heavily. ”I’m sorry Kay…I know you wanted-”
”I got what I wanted.” She stopped in her tracks, I shook my head and put my coffee down turning front on to Tasmin, staring at her and leaning back with my arms folded over my chest. ”I spent time alone with Finn, just him and me, out of everyone there he could have spent time with, his brother, his friends, everyone. He wanted to spend the night with me. It was never about sex….it was about….something else…”
I trailed off, looking back down at my coffee, I tried to be confident with this. ”So…what now?”
That was the question, i chuckled, I gave a small shrug and looked away. ”I don’t know. The ball is in Finns court now. But, that night, well, I’d like to think now he knows this was never about lust, it was never about me just wanting to jump on him….” I trailed off again.
”You really want him don’t you?...like…you want to be in a relationship with him…like a real one…”
I scoffed and shook my head. ”Don’t sound so shocked…” I looked away and out the window at the New York skyline. I had built a life here, with him, the only thing that was neede dis, a little push.
Legend?
”I’m going to sound like a broken record. But, I’m disappointed.”
Kayla Richards, internet champion, multi time world champion, straight up bitch etc, shakes her head and folds her arms over her chest, the look on her face sitting somewhere between apathetic teenager and total karen…
”Everything I have said and done, everything, from before our first match, that I ran through you in, to last week before this one, I beat you down physically the first time and verbally both times and that is what you come up with? That unbelievable grouping of dribbled words and nonsensical bullshit is the best you could do? Did you fucking trip when coming down off your high horse and crack your head open or something? Cause when I started this, when I became the internet champion for a second time I swore up and down this time was going to be different.”
“The first time, I won the title and I would defend it against anyone and everyone, that is something I never wanted to change but I did say that people would have to EARN it. Any bombshell that crossed my path would have to do something, anything to get my attention. Cause Keira Johnson didn’t EARN it, she just wanted it because it was shiny and something to add to her padded list of accolades and accomplishments. A very similar list to yours actually Mercy. One padded out by fluke wins and title runs that were lacking in meaning.”
“But now, here I am, having to put the title on the line against you a second time. After I begged and pleaded for the old Mercedes Vargas to come back I was hoping that when you eventually opened your mouth I would get something…ANYTHING.”
“But what I got was…sad.”
“Sad, boring and honestly, beneath me. And that is how I feel right now about you Mercedes, you are beneath me. Beneath this title, beneath your spot on the card. We are opening up proceedings so we should be ready to explode and beat the hell out of each other, but while I am here showing real emotion, anger and frustration about this citation, you just…kind of…exist…”
She laughs to herself, shaking her long black hair out as she grumbles under her breath and rolls her eyes.
”I had to sit here and listen to you talk about how 2022 was over, how it was out with the old and in with the new. If that is true then why is it that you take so much pride in getting title shots and opportunities? Do you see the dichotomy there Mercedes? How hypocritical it is? You “earned” the shot by winning a match against someone who has the most horrid win loss record in this company over the last few years and instead of focusing on that you go the route of “not” trading off your name?”
“It’s almost…ALMOST like you know that win was bullshit and you don’t deserve a damn thing.”
“You sit there and talk about DEMANDING respect. Well, it’s fitting you decided to talk about the differences between you and others Mercedes, cause the difference between us? You demand respect…I COMMAND respect.”
“And at Inception I already know what to expect from you. See, you already said you think I’m looking passed you Mercedes. But the truth is, I’m not looking passed you, I’m looking through you. Because it isn’t that I don’t know I’m facing you, it isn’t even that I don’t think on your best day you couldn’t beat me. Cause, truth be told, you could. The problem, is your best days are well, well behind you.”
She can’t help but smirk and laugh.
”And yeah, I get it, more old jokes. But you even sat there and devalued yourself. You called yourself the gatekeeper Mercedes. And you think that is some kind of badge of honor? Shit, how can someone with so much time in this business and so much experience be so fucking clueless about it. You think you were giving me props? Saying that because I did what I “promised” to do that I was rare? Because it’s my first year in SCW? Are you that dense?”
“Mercedes. I like this company, I do. It feels like somewhere I could call home. But it isn’t as special as you think it is. It’s a great wrestling company for sure, but I have been in plenty of great companies. Hell I was in one with you when I was basically a damn teenager. I’m sure you don’t remember it, or you’re choosing to ignore it but I watched you from behind the damn curtain, I watched you and was in awe of women like you.”
“There was a time when you, Crystal Hilton and my own sister were stars, the stars, the future. But that time is done. It’s come and gone and this is now my time.”
“So yes, I have had a first year in SCW others would kill for. But to sit there and say that doing that isn’t impressive cause people rarely keep it up past that? That is delusional and a fatal understanding of who you are messing with. I have been a star everywhere I have gone, I have over come personal tragedy and being held back to become a champion. I have beaten and destroyed people all around the world and the truth is that the day I put pen to paper and signed my SCW contract the entire fucking division should have, at the very least thanked me…and at the most I should have gotten something nice…”
“Like a fruit basket…”
She throws her hands in the air, clearly being facetious, but also half serious.
”This division is full of ancient names trading on their past, you, Jessie, Sam Marlowe, Roxi, that cunt Alicia, even Amber Ryan is starting to get a little long in the tooth and has outstayed her welcome. Meanwhile the division is being run by a creepo in a mask who spews the same mind numbing faux-intellectual Edger Allen Poe throat fucking Friedrich Nietzsche crap that I can read on neck beard populated philosophy boards on 4chan.”
“The Roulette division?...don’t make me laugh, that title is a dumpster fire of stupidity…”
“The internet championship means something, it is a beacon of hope for everyone in the division, and while I had no problems putting the title against Bella or even you the first time the fact I have to do it again, this time on a supercard and the first goddamn show of the year is insulting. The fight you have put up is also insulting. So, at inception, you drag your weave wearing, wish.com latina vanna white ass down to the ring and get ready to be just another nasme on my list. And then maybe, JUST MAYBE I’ll get a new challenger who is actually worthy of the title shot and who will not disappoint me the same way you have..”