Session Four, Part 1: When it broke.
There comes a moment, where everything has just piled on to a point where the pressure breaks you. It doesn’t matter how strong you are mentally or physically. Everyone, and I mean everyone has a breaking point. The point in your life where everything is lost, everything is overbearing and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. When it happens all it takes is a little push in either direction. One way or the other. To end it all, to stop the pain forever in a moment of selfish relief. Or to soldier on, to scratch, claw and fight for a better life.
Then there’s the third option.
You don’t end it, you don’t fight. You run. You just look in one direction, and no matter what you have left behind you do not under any fucking circumstances look back. That’s how Alicia felt one night years ago. This one is hard for her to get through. And no matter the support from her sons, her husband, her teammates or her doctor, this was going to take her back to a place where she almost took herself out of the game. A night where she was moments before checking out permanently.
”Just breath deep and slow. Close your eyes and try to remember why you felt that way. And how you beat it.” Dr Whitlows voice was calm, soothing but also authoritative. It wasn’t so much of a request, more of an order. She wanted a breakthrough, to know why Alicia ran, why she almost ended it.
It was their engagement dinner. They had been forced to make it official. Even after Ronnie had gotten Alicia pregnant twice they still hadn’t made it official as Mr Andrews was unsure, due to Alicia’s family having a low standing in society now. Rory and Ryan were still babies. Both under two years old. Alicia could feel the way everyone looked at her. As if she was so lucky that Ronnie had chosen her, that she was low scum, a teenage mother that had hit the jackpot. Even her friends, girls she had grown up with, gone to high school with and spent hours and hours talking to felt that way. Her own mother sneered and let the comments stand. Every slight, every cruel joke. They hung in the air and Alicia just had to eat it.
Then there was Ronnie himself. Sitting there next to Alicia, smiling and joking, being so charming and looking innocent. Like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth.
Alicia knew the truth. She knew the kind of man he was and this sickened her. Her stomach churned, she stared down at her plate, still full of food, she wasn’t hungry, a fact many sitting at the table had already commented on, one woman spitting that Alicia must be “watching her weight”. It got under her skin, she felt judged and like people were looking down on her. Ronnie looked sideways, his gaze moved from Alicias plate up to her face, she tried to hide the frustration and sadness. Ronnie then leaned over and whispered so no one else could hear. ”Could you smile? You are embarrassing me.” She knew what that meant.
A chill went up her spine. Her hand moved up taking the fork in her hand as she popped a piece of steak in her mouth. Ronnies hand drifted down and grabbed her leg, his thumb and fingers squeezing her this hard just above her knee. She winced but knew enough to try and hide it. ”This is a big night, you should be happy, not ungrateful, you bitch. Now smile while they’re all watching.” She turned to him, her cheeks moved up, the smile was fake but as she added a small chuckle people turned away, including her mother. Alicia swallowed hard and looked down and away. Ronnie sneered and shook his head squeezing harder.
There was a crying sound from the other room. Rory was awake and needed feeding. Alicia sighed heavily as she stood up. Ronnie pulled her back down for a moment and kissed her on the cheek. ”I will see to him…” Ronnie nodded slowly and Alicia moved through the dining room and into the study where the boys were put as they slept. Alicia moved to her bag and grabbed a bottle. Ryan, o0only seven months old, slept in a small crib as Rory who was almost two, sat up, his eyes red as tears moved down his face. ”I know kiddo.” She smiled and pulled Rory up and onto her lap leaning the bottle in his mouth.
Alicia was startled as Ronnie stepped in, his head tilting to the side as he closed the door behind him. ”What is taking so long? My aunt is out there and wants to see you.” He sneered and growled putting his arms on his hips. ”Your attitude has been atrocious. You should be glad, I wanted you. My father said I should have chosen someone closer to my fucking breeding.” She swallowed and finished giving Rory his bottle, he was back asleep, Alicia moved and set him back down before turning back and going to walk past Ronnie. His hand shot sideways, hitting her in the lower stomach. Alicia doubled over and coughed. ”Take a moment, fix yourself up and adjust your attitude, get out there and stop being a fucking bitch.”
As he left, her hands shook. Her body ached and she almost dropped to her knees as tears formed in her eyes smudging her make up. She couldn’t take it anymore, the pain, the humiliation. It was enough. She looked behind her at her sons, both of them sleeping soundly. They’d be better off without her. Ronnie treated them like little princes. She looked over at the bathroom to the side moving towards it. Her hand reaching down to grab her make up bag on the way. She closed the door behind her and looked up at the mirror, she hated what she saw.
Her eyes closed, her body shook and she had to use all her willpower not to burst into tears. But there just wasn’t enough.
She sat down on the toilet seat, her head in her hands as she whimpered and felt the heat in her face. She wanted to scream, she wanted to hit the wall. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t bring herself to allow Ronnie that victory. Her eyes moved to the side and she saw it siting on the bench. Ronnie’s fathers straight razor. Before she knew it the razor was in her hand. She opened nit and looked over the blade. He kept it so sharp and made sure it was in the shape he needed it for. She looked in the mirror, she turned on the faucet as hot water poured and steam rose up. Her hand trembled as she looked down at her wrist.
”I can’t imagine getting to that point.”
Dr Whitlow sighed heavily, her hand moving up to wipe a tear away. Alicia stared at the ceiling in her familiar position. Her hands clasped over her stomach as she swallowed and looked over. She simply shrugged and let out a deep breath. Dr Whitlow sat back and moved the pen around in her hand before writing something down. ”I felt like I had nothing. My boys would be better off without me, my mother could just write me off. My brother and sister didn’t matter. It was selfish and a cowardly thing to think of.” Alicia spit it like venom, still wallowing in self hatred over the actions from a decade ago.
It was all fresh in her mind. Dr Whitlow shook her head and leans forward. ”Take a break. We have more time but, I think you need it.” She was right, Alicia needed to breathe, to remember where she was and who she was. To readjust. She sat up and gave a small nod before moving over to grab some water. Soon she would have to ngo back in, and that would be an even harder trip down memory lane.
Bitch, I’m already a queen
”Can I stop pretending now?”
Alicia fuckin Lukas. Her long blond hair flowing down the side of her face, her makeup done with cherry red lips, eyeliner that made her bright blue eyes pop and the black war strip under her eye. .She shook her head and sneered, already in a bad mood it seems.
”Can I stop sitting here and pretending I’m not still the best professional wrestler on this planet today?. Thats what I feel like I’ve been doing. Since the start of the year, since I lost the SCW bombshells title to Keira Fisher-Johnson I have had this personality crisis. Some have said I seem erratic. Not focused. And honestly they’re right. I am at my best when I have a goal in mind. When I know what I want and I chase it. Like a relentless pitbull. So, I need to get back to that. And what better way than to win the Queen for a day ladder match and gain the power to change my own destiny. Cause, honestly, I’ll tell you all right now what I’ll do. Whoever comes out of Into the void as champion, well, I’ll be coming for them. I’ll book myself in a title match so fast it’ll make y’alls heads spin.”
“I’m not even sorry. And that is the right of the match winner. You become queen for a day you can do what you want. Hell if I want to book Crystal in a ten on one handicap match I can, if I want to put Roxi Johnson back in the ring with her wife again, guess what?, I can.”
“I love this concept and it’s the first time I have been able to go for it. And goddamn am I hungry?”
“Before I get into who is in the match, let me just go over a few things here. I have been very vocal in my opinions when it comes to overuse of terms and how some people are undeserving of hero worship. I feel sorry for Bella Madison, unable to be cleared for this match, when she needs a win like this to really boost her career and what she is capable of. But deep down I know she wanted it. The same cannot be said of Keira Fisher-Johnson. And, you all want to know why my opinion changed of her? It’s not just what happened with the title, it’s aos because of her attitude when it comes to things like this. See, she has been announced for opportunities over and over again. Handed them as a matter of fact. And here she gets another on a silver platter. Only to be “pulled” from the match.”
“Presumably because she’d rather spend her time tweeting about donuts and pretending she’s training. The truth is people like Keira Fisher-Johnson don’t belong in matches like this or in the ring with me. They’re pretend wrestlers, pretend warriors and should have never been allowed to get their hands on a world title. In one moment, one flukish moment she took that title from me and instead of getting it right back I decided to try and have some humility...and because of that the Bombshells title was made to look like a joke…”
She growls and shakes her head before getting to her feet and pacing, the anger in her veins rising up and causing her to step harder on the floor.
”So, now we have talked about those who have fallen on hard luck and those who didn’t deserve it in the first place lets get to the opponents in it and my ”competition”. Now, there’s no secret matches like this can be an absolute clusterfuck. It’s also no secret that in matches like this I have an up and down relationship. I can dominate, destroy half the field or everyone involved only to be piped at the finish line by some lucky fucker with a horse shoe up her cooch and a four leaf clover up her ass.”
“One on one I am damn near unbeatable. And that is what I have to keep in mind. See Seleana, Zuri, they are just two of the women who have found out what it’s like to face someone like me. Maki did too, shit Mercedes and Char have also fallen to me.”
“So that is what I’m fighting for in this.”
“I win the Queen for a day, I climb the ladder and get the win, well I can book myself against whoever I want for whatever I want. One on one, no one else. Just me and whoever I set my sights on. I can call my shot and do anything I want. No one can stop me, no one can say no and all you can all do is watch and whine your little hearts out, since most of you are nothing but a pack of whiny entitled bitches who don’t know the meaning of earning anything.”
Alicia pauses for a moment and scoffs folding her arms over her chest.
”Take all my opponents in this match for example. Courtney Pierce is an expert at running her mouth on twitter, acting like she’s a star and she has the right to run down everyone in the Bombshells division. Including Salco, who beat her. In fact little miss Pierce hasn’t been going to well has she? In between long periods of inactivity she lost to Salco and Kwan but then somehow, someway got herself a title opportunity at Climax control 300 all because of an opportunity she won from a blast from the past tournament years ago.”
“Are you kidding me Courtney? First off, you don’t have the right to run anyone down in this division when you’re struggling to remain relevant and need to call on things from 2018 to make sure anyone remembers you. Since that Blast from the past win you haven’t done a goddamn thing Court, and you failed, hard, against Amber Ryan in trying to get your hands on the bombshells title.”
“You know the bombshells title right?”
“The one I have held three times since 2019?. The title that I held longer than anyone in a single reign, the title that I didn’t let Crystal, her daughter or her wife get their hands on from my second reign onwards?. That one? The title you have never held?. In fact, you haven’t held any title in Sin City Wrestling. You come from that overrated rat pack of mediocrity Jet City. Meanwhile I come from Wolfslair. The team of champions. And not just in Sin city. See, while Austin, Alex, Johanna and myself have dominated this company we have champions everywhere. You Jet city scrubs are just faded memories and empty promises. I can’t let you get queen of the day, imagine the mediocre bullshit you’d book…”
She makes a face, holding her stomach as if she’s about to throw up.
”Thing is while I don’t get why Coyrtney is here or even Char I completely understand Mercedes. See, like me Mercedes Vargas has a certain amount of equity built up in this company. Her name is synonymous with the initials SCW and when people will name their top Bombshells Mercedes will bounce around that conversation. Much like myself. But, unlike Mercedes who had a few good years and has been riding that wave ever since I haven’t stopped being exceptional. I came into SCW as one of the best and still, here today over two years since I walked into the company I’m still here. I haven’t fallen off, I haven’t become like you. See, I still win, I still go into every match I have as the betting favorite.”
“Meanwhile, you, well, you go into matches, lose and then make excuses. You even said once that you didn’t care if you lose because you’re still Mercedes Vargas. You’ll still get opportunities and this match, well this match proves you right doesn’t it Mercy?”
“See, the last two supercards, I beat you, then Maki. And I have continued my winning ways all the way up to Into the void and this match. Meanwhile, you lost to me, you were able to beat Violet Amelia Holt at Blaze of glory, cause, that sure as shit is difficult. Well, not for me, seems to be for you since you beat her but then lost the roulette qualifier to her. Then you got beaten by Krystal Wolfe so literally, the only reason Mercedes Vargas is in a match of this magnitude in 2021 is because of shit she did in 2012…..and that’s sad as fuck….”
“Not as sad as Char Kwan though…”
She laughs to herself and rolls her eyes.
”The last member of Gamer INC and the Trenton pussies to be floating around SCW still acting like she’s something special when she was a fucking alternate in this match. Cause if Bella wasn’t injured and Keira wasn’t such a piece of shit you’d be sitting backstage in fucking catering. But, hey you have this opportunity drop in your lap and much like Courtney you don’t really deserve it. You got beat by Jesse Salco, went to a no contest with Krystal, got humiliated by Evie before she went on on her orgasm vacation with Ben.,...”
“In fact the only bright spark in who pitiful bullshit career over the last year is your win over tweedle dumb…”
“And by that I mean Courtney Pierce, just incase you’re as slow as Char is.”
“Bottom line Kwan, you stomp around talking like you’re some kind of star and you can beat anyone when all evidence is to the contrary. You want to be someone different and prove everyone wrong then this is the perfect match to do it. Climb the ladder, take the briefcase and book yourself in a title match or something else to get your glory. Or, a better idea. And one that bis much, much more likely. The three of you can watch me climb that ladder, get the briefcase, bring it down and then kiss my ass for a title shot when I book MY show and am Queen for a day...cause the rest of you?..y’all are fools for a lifetime…”
Session Four. Part 2: The Escape Plan
”Was that also the night you left?”
”It was the night I ran…”
The tiles were freezing. The off white marble was also hard, but Alicia had just stopped caring. The water was still running, her hands trembled as heer fingertips pushed against the floor. She wanted to get up, she unwanted to run. But her body was not responding. It was as if she was frozen, a prisoner trapped in her own mine. She could feel, she could think. But she couldn’t move or respond. And she couldn’t stop herself from crying. The tears rolling down her cheeks mixed with eyeliner and makeup as they fell to the tiles.
They made different patterns, different colors. They swirled and moved. And for whatever reason Alicia's bright blue eyes focused on them. Watching the make up mixture with her tears.
The door opened, Alicia’s eyes moved to see who it was, her heart almost leaping from her chest as she saw her. Her name was Jennifer. It was Ronnie’s older sister. This was bad. Jennifer was tall, slender and beautiful. Married into a Texan oil family she was also successful.in her own right. But she had treated Alicia with a mild indignation since they met. Almost as if Alicia didn;’t belong in her world. Always very standoffish and aloof with her.
And now this woman, loyal to her brother and family, who had never shown an ounce of compassion or care for Alicia was standing in the bathroom, staring at her, crying on the floor.
Jennifer seemed frozen in the moment too. Looking down at the scene surveying it all. Her eyes moving from the sink, to the floor, looking right at Alicia and the pool of tears. Then Jennifer saw it, the straight razor. And her expression changed. Her eyes softened as she shook her head and closed the door behind her, she moved across the tiles and dropped to one knee next to Alicia reaching out to help her up. ”This isn’t the answer…” She was caring, open and almost motherly. She almost seemed to be just as upset as Alicia was. She moved her to the small chair in the corner before grabbing the razor and placing it back on the side of the sink.
She grabbed tissues, wetting them in the warm water and turning the sink off. She shook her head pulling another chair over to sit in front of Alicia, her hand reaching out as she wiped away the tears, the streaks of eyeliner that had run down Alicias’ porcelain skin. She swallowed hard and shook her head looking away, almost as if she was ashamed. ”That bastard. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Alicia looked up at her, confused. Jennifer shook her head again and it hit Alicia.
Ronnie’s mother. Her long sleeves, they slid up. Bruises.
She let out a sigh and closed her eyes. ”What have I gotten into?” Her voice was a whisper. Said just under her breath. But loud enough for Jennifer to hear, her head snapping back to Alicia looking her in the eyes with a small smile, an understanding one. She leaned forward and gave her a tight hug. Alicia couldn’t hold it in, she let out a sob and a whimper, she could feel it slipping. She was free of the prison inside her own mind but now the floodgates had opened. ”I can’t live like this.”
Jennifer closed her eyes and swallowed before nodding to herself and pulling back out of the hug. ”You don’t have to.” She got to her feet moving to the door opening it and looking through the small crack, to make sure no one was listening. She turned back and folded her arms over her chest. ”Tonight, when the guests leave and Ronnie goes to sleep, meet me downstairs. Wherever you want to go, we’ll get you there.” She smiled, Alicia gave a nod.
”But, what about my boys?”
The silence hung in the air with the question. They both stared ahead before Jennifer swallowed and looked away with a sad expression on her face. ”We can’t...we can’t get them out.” Alicia closed her eyes and shook, her heart felt like it was going to explode. Jennifer felt it to. ”Look, Ronnie will treat them like gold. He will spoil them, he will dote on them. But you need to go. If not…” She looked over at the sink, to the razor, guiding Alicias gaze there. ”You leave...and your boys still have a mother. You stay...and next time you won’t stop…”
She was right, Alicia could feel it, but that didn’t make this any easier. She gave a small nod and got to her feet. ”So, tonight then?”
”Why do you think she helped you?”
Dr Whitlow tapped her pencil against the clipboard. Alicia blinked and smiled with a shake of her head. ”She saw what years of abuse and control had done to her mother. Jennifer is a different person than the rest of her family. She sat up, pulling her knees to her chest and hugging her legs as she sat on the couch. ”She blives in Europe now. My boys love their Aunt.”
”So she is still a prominent figure in your life? Thats good, it’s good to have people like that.”
Alicia smiled and shrugged ”She was right about it all. But, I still felt like I was abandoning my sons. Without leaving, if I had stayed. I wouldn’t be here for them now. And that’s how I rationalise it.”
Dr Whitlow wrote a few things down and gave a warm smile before setting the clipboard aside. ”It’s not exactly rationalising. It’s a true enough statement. When put in a horrible position you made the right choice.” She shuffled in her chair and leaned forward. ”You walked a path, and that path has led you to a better life. You have to stop blaming yourself and remember that where you are now is only possible because of those actions and decisions….”
”Logically, I know it Doc. I do. But there’s that part of me that feels…..like a failure.”
She trails off, Dr Whitlow nods again and reaches over picking up the clipboard writing a few more things down. ”You overcame odds to be who you are. And you have opened up more than you thought possible. Go home Violet. Hug your sons, kiss your husband. And when you’re ready….” She paused and smiled. ”We can talk about the act of leaving”
”...when I ran…”
Royalty
”Into the void is going to be fun. Where I get crowned as a Queen and have alot of your futures in my hands.And if Austin wins the other match? Well, it’s going to be a very Wolfy month.”
Alicia smiles and folds her arms over her chest, that arrogant grin we have seen many times before, her pearly whites shining in contrast to her ruby red lips.
”I already told you all what I plan on doing. I already said that I win this match I am booking myself in a title match from the get go. I wanted to get that out there, even though it should be simply stating the obvious, so the champ could get ready, whoever that might be coming out of the show. But, to get that opportunity I still have to get passed three women in a match that has more to do with luck and being in the right place at the right time than skill. I mean, yeah I can throw any of them off the ladder, I can beat them down, but if I get so focused on cracking Char Kwans head open like a coconut then Mercedes could take out Court and climb the ladder before I know what is happening.”
“And that could happen, cause I really want to break Chaw Kwan in half and Mercedes is a savvy veteran who knows how to win matches like this.”
“So, I know what I have to do, I know what I need to be capable of and I am prepared to do it. But, with that being said, I do have this need inside me to break someone like Char. See, Char Kwan is one of these morons who contradicts themselves without realising why. Her IQ is a similar number to her shoe size and week in and week out whenever she graces us with her presence she outs her foot in her mouth. And the sad part is that it’s not like she isn’t talented. She’s just stupid. And yes Char, that might seem like a childish insult, but you’re a dumb bitch and I can prove it.”
“With ease..”
Alicia tilts her head and smiles before clearing her throat.
”Now, I don’t care what you’ve said about Court or Mercedes. I mean, yeah you beat Courtney, very good. And you have never faced myself or Vargas and trust me on this, I’m not Mercedes biggest fan, but she’d eat you alive. Not as bad as I would, but pretty close. You are one of these women who hates hearing me talk about my accomplishments. And it’s not because you’re “sick” of them, it’s jealousy. I have accomplished things in my career that you haven’t and never will. That is a fact. And instead of simply respecting that and telling the world that you understand being a world champion and a bombshells champion is stressful and something great that you have yet to accomplish...you instead go to discredit me.”
“And not even with actual fact6s, lies and stupidity seems to be the order of the day. Like, I got HANDED a title? Really? Beating Dani Weston is being handed something? I’m sure Dani would love to hear that. I’m sure Dani would love to see someone with fuck all talent pissing on her title reign, her own accomlishment of beating me the first time and the match we had.”
“But, not busting my ass? How about winning the title, defending the title more in a single reign than anyone else or also holding it for the longest? How about losing it in a fucking cell, coming back from an injury, getting revenge on the person who injured me only to pull, scratch and claw my way back up to that championship?. Is that busting my ass? How about then losing it and taking myself out of the picture and starting from the bottom where I have beaten Mercedes, Maki and others? Is that busting my ass you stupid, vapid, moronic vegetable?”
“I can say I’m the best based on that alone. I stood back and let someone else take leadership of the division and they failed. But, atleast they stepped up and had a shot. Instead of being the firth wheel in a group that barely did anything of not, a group that won the mixed tag titles only to disappear. But, hey that’s fine Char, you just keep being you, a lazy, self serving, arrogant bitch with zero chance of doing anything in SCW.”
Alicia puts her fingers together making a “zero” with her hand.
”Atleast Mercedes has done and seen it all. Admittedly not lately. And also, as always little miss Mercy is severely overstating herself and understating everyone else. You actually think Amber Ryan came here because of you? Mercedes. Andrea Hernandez and Myra may have come here because of you, and if they did I should actually hold it against you since both of those woman are a cancer to this company with their constant arrogance that makes mine seem, I dunno, tame. But Amber Ryan?”
“Amber has stated, many times, that Alicia Lukas versus Amber Ryan would be a dream match and it’s something she wants.”
“But, of course you won’t acknowledge it or see it because it doesn’t have anything to do with you. And if it’s not to do with you it’s not worth knowing or thinking about right? You’re the heartbeat of SCW. The woman who runs it all right? Kind of funny, if you’re the center of the SCW universe then all the titles and top matches don’t matter since you’re nowhere fucking near them. And the entire time I’ve been in SCW, you haven’t been. You’ve had a shot here and there, but as far as being a major part of the SCW bombshells division and a game changer?...”
“When Mercedes?”
“In the last three years when have you been anything more than a supporting cast in this little blockbuster of ours huh?. The Queen for a day could change that, but right now?. Right now you haven’t been. Yet you make these grandiose statements like your shit doesn’t stink, you mention me like I’m some schlub off the side of the road that just appeared here. When, and let me remind you of this since it seems to slip your mind quite a bit.”
“YOU. HAVE. NEVER. EVER. EVVVVVVEEEEERRRR. BEATEN ME.”
“But, your revisionist history and over inflated ego shields you from that. I don't have a fear of being forgotten Mercedes. I have a fear of people actually believing your lies and bullshit….so, I’m going to toss your old ass off a ladder and into retirement.”
She sneers and rolls her eyes.
”Then, there’s poor little Courtney. Being an afterthought again huh?. I get it.; It’s hard to stand out. But, you have in a way. See while Char and Mercedes went down the self aggrandising stupidity route, you actually studied and made comments that made sense. I was shocked when I watched your promo and heard coherent sentences that were logical and had facts in them. You recognise what kind of person I have and you see the star I have been and could be again. The fact I ran through this company like a hot knife through butter.”
“But, while respecting what I accomplished you didn’t back down from me nor did you ignore mistakes I’ve made. And, I can be a hypocrite. I admit it, we all can be. But where I admit it and try to better myself others, like Char and Mercedes simply hide it. And lie.”
“So thank you Courtney.”
“Thank you for being a bright spark in a world of stupidity and moronic comments. You want to face the best and in this match you get to. Admittedly it’s not one on one and if you have the guts, and it seems like you do, I’d love to give you a one on one match. I’m not saying you’d win, but I am saying you would give me your all. And that’s all, you can ever do Court. All you can do in this business is give one hundred percent of yourself and if you do that, well, you never really lose.”
“It’s something Char and Mercedes don’t understand. Mercedes lost it when her ego overtook her reason and Char? Well Char is just dumb as a bag of rocks. I’m going to wish you luck in this Court, cause you seem like the only other woman aside from me who would actually understand the gravity of the queen for a day match and the implications. But, just cause I like you, just cause I think you’re talented, doesn’t mean I won’t break you to win this….I’ll break all of you, because that's what I do….”