Under the Bridge
Wisdom of the Troll
“Yes! I told you! I told ALL of you! But did any of you believe me? No. You all thought the Troll would make his professional wrestling debut and fail miserably, and instead what did I do? Success! V for Victory! The unbeaten streak of Tony Thorn is done! Over! Finished! Now the Troll begins his own epic journey and an unbeaten streak that will make J2H’s string of victories look more like what Krystal Wolfe is going through right about now.”
“Talk smack about ME, will you Krissy!? The Troll knows your type, and he’s going to silence you! But this isn’t about you. Nothing is, really. This is about me with my big, debut win!”
“Of course, if you watched Climax Control on the internet broadcast rather than live and in person at the Gold Coast Casino, you probably saw a different result. You probably saw something that looked more like Tony Thorn emerge in what resembled a win on his own part. Well here’s a little secret about Sin City Wrestling that you might not be aware of. And of course, Mark Ward and Christian underwood don’t want you to know the truth but BAM!!! The Troll doesn’t care about what ‘the man’ wants! All the Troll cares about is the TRUTH! And he’s going to make sure each and every single one of you that tries to resist the TRUTH finds it forced down your throat until you acknowledge it, whether you like it or not! And that TRUTH is…!”
Suddenly there is a heavy pounding on the basement ceiling and a shrill call from above the Troll’s domicile…
“A rat! A RAT!!! GABRIEL!! Oh my GAWD! Call the exterminator! Call the Orkin Man! Oh my heart! A rat! A… oh for god’s sake! Never mind! It’s just that damn dog of yours!!”
The Troll runs both hands down his face before he exhales sharply and continues with his web broadcast….
“As I was saying… the TRUTH is that Mark Ward and Christian Underwood use special effects and snippets of old matches and sometimes even stand-ins in video footage, and why? In case a match goes the way they don’t want, they film a quick edit in a studio and piece that together and THAT is the footage you see every week! That is why you saw Tony Thorn beat (snorts) yours truly! I mean, seriously! Do you really think that the so-called ‘White Wolf’ Fenris was really undefeated for almost ten months? I have it on good authority that he was defeated several times during that imaginary streak, but the (air quotes) bosses fixed things on-screen so he actually would actually look like a winner! Why even bother? When he came back from his little staycation in Iceland, he’s been about as exciting as women’s pro golf!”{
“Little bit of information? He and Austin James Mercer are actually really close pals. I’ve personally seen them out drinking after the shows. The whole feud over Mercer hurting Aron?”
He shakes his head with eyes closed in disdain.
“All a put on in a sad attempt to make Fenris appear somewhat appealing to the SCW Universe. But if you want to see REAL appeal, just look at yours truly! One match in, and the higher ups know a good thing when they see it! Because I - the Troll - have been booked for a match at Blaze of Glory IX! One of their biggest events of the year! And if I got a spot (unlike losers like Johanna Krieger, Tempest and London Underground), that just goes to show big things are coming for the Troll! Maybe even a championship match is in my future? All I have to do is go up against that pasty-white prima donna Superstar, Miles ‘Milo’ Kasey.”
“Milo Kasey. The man who is always running off at the mouth about how he can’t get physically cut like Fenris. And do you want to know WHY Miles can’t get the abs of steel like Fenris? Tune in NEXT WEEK and I’ll tell you! THEN Miles says that he has the same man beat when it comes to a ‘sexy ass.’ Seriously? Of all the things to aspire to - THAT’S what you’re proud of, Miles? That your ass is nicer than Fenris’s?”
(https://64.media.tumblr.com/c92965756bcfe679249bed9b79084e32/tumblr_pnevos0JAF1xs4awuo2_400.gifv)
“That ass, right? Okay, if you say so. If that’s what you worry most about when you should be worrying about ME, Miles! Worrying about me exposing you - pun not intended! Worrying about the Troll beating and humiliating you in front of the world! And THAT - is the…”
More pounding from upstairs and that shrill voice again…!
“OH MY GAWD! GABRIEL! CALL THE POLICE! THERE’S A STRANGE MAN AT THE DOOR WANTING IN AND HE WON’T GO AWAY! HE WANTS THE FAMILY JEWELS! HE WANTS MY BODY! HE WANTS…”
The Troll throws off his headset and shouts upstairs…
“OH FOR GOD’S SAKE MA! ANSWER THE DOOR! IT’S THE DOORDASH GUY!”
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Under the Bridge
Wisdom of the Troll
“Well, it looks like SOMEONE got up on the wrong side of the bed. I guess that's what happens when said bed is perpetually empty, eh Krystal? Still no luck with Cassian Reed then, I take it? Cassian Reed, the biggest man whore since like - forever? And you're constant sniffing around the poor guy like a bitch in heat and still, the man takes no interest? I mean, how sad is that? It'd be like Jack Washington trying to score in a women's prison and being shot down. It's just sad! Maybe you should try someone a bit more your speed.”
“Like maybe your little girlfriend Carter down in SCU? Although he probably has more luck with the fellas than you do and … oh, wait. You two aren't friends any more, are you? You and that frigid personality of yours went and ruined what I'm sure was a lively and enduring friendship. Although you never were as close to him as Ariana is. Seems to me the common denominator in all your troubles is…”
The Troll twirled a finger around and pointed it straight at the camera.
“You, Krystal. Maybe you should go back to the kitchen where you belong before you end up ruining anything else you have going for you. Which really isn’t saying very much as I’ve seen you in the ring, at least on the main roster? Down in SCU? Well nobody who is really anybody pays very much attention down in the bowels of the wrestling world. Personally, I think your main issue is that you have this unhealthy obsession with me. My first promo ‘shocked’ you. Then you go and complain and want me beaten up? So I expressed an opinion and you didn’t like it.”
“Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!”
“It must really sting, the way you whined about not making the cut for Blaze of Glory IX and yet…”
The Troll smiled like a fool and motioned both hands toward himself.
“I did. And that’s because unlike you, the higher ups in SCW see something of value in me. That, and they’re scared whether or not I’ll spill any more of your secrets. So go ahead and sic pretty boy Fenris on me! See if I care. You think I'm scared of him? It's a known FACT that all of his so-called -accomplishments’...”
He air quotes.
“Are ENTIRELY made up. It’s just hype to make him seem a bigger badass than he really is.
Then there was that familiar pounding on the door of the basement before it was swung open and from upstairs came that shrill call…
“GABRIEL!! I need you to take me shopping so put on some nice clothes!”
“MOM! I’m BUSY! And why do I have to dress nice just to take you shopping!?”
“For God’s sake! Because we’re going to Target! It’s not like we’ll be going to Family Dollar! So move it!”
The basement door swung shut and the Troll sighed and reached forward to switch off his video feed….
And later it was switched back on.
“Miss me? I bet Miles, you know - my opponent for Blaze of Glory IX - was hoping so. Miles ‘Milo’ Kasey, or should we be addressing you by your new moniker, SCW’s Ass Man? Or does Mister Ass sound better to you? Because even though last week I tried to knock some sense into you and make you see how ridiculous being proud of your bubble butt was, you just kept right on it after.”
The Troll shook his head in dismay.
“I don’t know what is wrong with you Miles, aside you know from the fact that you’re acting like we’re two peas in a pod. That we’re more alike than anyone out there cares to admit. We’re not, you know. I bet in school you were a straight A student while also being the star of the rugby team while knocking boots in the backseat with every pretty girl who shook her fake boobs at you. Or pretty guys who shook their ass.”
The Troll shrugged.
“Who am I to judge? It’s 2021, not 1921 after all. But that’s not even the point! You were probably popular then, just like you’re popular now! (Though I think those ass shots of yours on Twitter have more to do with your popularity than anything you do inside of the ring!) It sure as hell can’t be anything that you have going on up here!”
The Troll tapped his head.
“Here you’re in for the fight of your life and you go on about mythical creatures? I’m just going to assume that you’re just making sport of me, just like all the jerks did to me back in school. Well I rose above them and made a success out myself, just like I’m going to rise above you. At Blaze of Glory IX, the Troll is emerging from beneath his bridge to bask in the spotlight of being a WINNER!”
The Troll did the RVD-thumbs sign to himself with a geeky smile.
“That’s all the time I have now for you plebeians. Next time? The TRUTH about lesbians in professional wrestling! Fact - or fiction?”
He reached toward the laptop and…
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