Professional Help
The last few weeks had been a struggle. Not the usual grind for Alicia Lukas but something different and even more heartbreaking. She couldn’t focus, she couldn’t recover. Every single time she walked in the gym her stomach would ache and turn. She would walk across the mats, move to the back where the weights were and see it, the corner where Austin had stood in front of her. Where he was standing over her and looking down. Where he had grabbed her wrist and squeezed.
She hated it, hated feeling this way, hated feeling so..
Weak
And what was worse, her mask was slipping. Everyday she would walk in and smile, act like everything was fine, act like it was all normal. But the smile was fading, she found herself having a cold sweat, her hands shaking and she would freeze. She would get caught in submissions and holds by students and those who were nowhere near her skill level. People started noticing, they started caring. But Alicia wanted nothing to do with it. She wanted the looks of pity to stop, to disappear. All she wanted right now was to feel...normal.
But what was normal? Alicia never really knew. From day one there was something wrong, she never felt how she was expected to nor wanted to. And now it was made worse. She sat over in the corner by herself, her back against a brick wall, her knees p[ulled up and an open bottle of water next to her as sweat dropped down from her body. She closed her eyes and took a few long deep breaths but could hear footsteps. She opened her eyes to see Sonya Jones, Alex’s wife and one of the cardio trainers at Wolfslair. She smiled and crouched beside Alicia.
”How are you doing Ali?” The question was difficult to answer but simple in it’s delivery. Alicia swallowed hard and tried to smile, putting on that mask again.
She took a deep breath and sent a quick nod. ”I’m good, I’m tired though. I’m trying to get my career back on track.” It was true in some ways, hiding a few feelings wasn’t really lying was it?. But how well did she perform and act?. Had her tone tipped Sonya off? What about how fast she spoke, was her tempo a give away? ”I’ll get back to it...gotta keep the kids on their toes right?” She went to get to her feet grabbing her water.
Sonya stood up to stopping her by reaching out and grabbing Alicia’s shoulder lightly. Alicia flinched, not by much, barely recognisable to most as she also tried to hide it. But it was there. And Sonya saw it, her right eyebrow raising in an inquisitive fashion before stepping back. ”Ali, you know we’re all worried about you…”
Alicia snapped fast, her mask was slipping. ”I’m fine. In fact I’m better than fine. I am sick of people acting like I’m some kind of charity case. Austin grabbed my wrist, big fucking deal.” She shook her head and pushed passed Sonya before stopping and turning with a deep breath. ”I know you’re all looking out for me, I get it. But All I want to do is work, ok?” Before Sonya could say anything Alicia backed up and turned again heading towards the door. She just wanted to go home, she needed to go home.
A Few Hours Later
Her food was cold. Her house was empty. Rory and Ryan were at their grandmothers for the weekend enjoying some time with her. Michael wasn’t home from the office. Alicia has made herself some pasta. A carb heavy and protein heavy dish to aid in recovery and strength. But she didn’t want to eat it. Sonya’s words played on her mind all day and she sighed sliding the bowl forward, getting to her feet and moving towards the garbage disposal in the sink.
The water ran and for a moment she zoned out. Her eyes watching the food slide down the drain, the door clicked, it opened and Michael stepped in. Alicia put the bowl down and spun around plastering that smile on her face, walking up to him and before he could say a word planting a passionate kiss on his lips wrapping her arms around his neck.
As she pulled back Michael raised his eyebrows and smiled. ”Now that was a welcome home…”
He laughed, Alicia gave him a nod. She had shown him her mask and he bought it. Hook, line and sinker.
Or so she thought.
Alicia backed up to the sink and turned, finishing off her bowl and cleaning it, humming under her breath. Michael put his bag down, and folded his arms over his chest. ”So Sonya shot me a text today.” She stopped cleaning, her hand moving and flipping the tap to stop the water. A deep sigh coming from her lips as she waited. ”Ali, you’ve been different.”
Her hands gripped the bench, she swallowed hard and turned, the smile was gone and the mask had faded. ”Stop. Please. Stop. I’m fi-”
”Fine?...you’re not fine.” He stepped forward, his face showing concern and care, ”You haven’t been yourself. Here, at the gym, in the ring. You have been second guessing yourself. And miserable. And trying to hide it. Her eyes welled with tears, she could feel her heart pulsing and beating faster as her hands shook, Alicia was trying to hold it all back, every single emotion she had. But Michael stepped closer, his hands reaching out and touching her arms. ”Everyone cares Ali…”
His hands slid up her arms to her shoulder, she couldn’t hide it now, she couldn’t hold it back. Alicia collapsed into Michaels arms, holding him tight and letting the tears flow. ”I don’t know what to do..”
Michael sighed, he kissed her forehead and smiled. ”Whatever you do...we’re in this together..”
Facing your demons.
This was going to be a rough one. Alicia Lukas, the Strong Style Southern Bell, a woman who had been the best in the world for a large chunk of her career. Now she had zero confidence. But can she look past it? Can she wear that mask?
”Another year, another failed Blast from the past campaign. And I really wanted it to, not just for the title shot, but also to say that I won that tournament. To have that on my resume as an accomplishment. It would have been great. But Cassian and Roxi had other plans, clearly. I can talk about what they did, or didn’t do. But in the end, they beat us. They went on to the next round and Vinnie and I didn’t. It’s a hollow feeling. Especially since you knew you could go further. Vinnie and I are both decorated singles stars...former world champions.”
“But it didn’t matter. We weren’t good enough. And I say WE because it was a tag team tournament. I am not going to sit here and make excuses. I’m not going to sit here and blame Vinnie. In this situation I need to look inward. Look at myself. Cause the Alicia Lukas that is in SCW now, the one that returned from injury, isn’t the same one from the past.”
“Before I got injured. Before I hurt myself in the chamber and then Bobbie Dahl tried to end my career I was damn near unbeatable. I would get in the ring and I had so much confidence that I had most of my matches won before the bell rang. That might seem arrogant of me to say but, well, go back and look. Go back and see the look in my eye, the body language and who I was and what I was capable of. The best SCW had, the best outside the company all came in to try and stop me. My title reign led to records being broken, it led to Roxi and Keira returning to SCW…”
“Face it, my reign saved the bombshells”
A small smile came across her face, she was starting to feel it, she was starting to remember what made her great and for a split second the sparkle in her bright blue eyes was there.
”But, then when I returned I tried to be that same Alicia. And since then I have taken three steps forward two steps back every single week. I have still been making progress, reminding everyone what I can do but I have not been able to set the world on fire like I once did. And some of that is the competition in SCW. We have so many women who are real threats to the title. Keira was a great champion, Roxi can still go, Crystal seems to have rediscovered what made her matter, we still have Amber goddamn Ryan sniffing around, Seleana Zdunich is always dangerous and then...we have my opponent.”
“Melissa FUCKING Aki.”
“Despite her record Maki is dangerous. See she’s sitting there on social media calling herself “Mediocre”. She and I both know she is far from average, far from mediocre. Maki is someone who I am excited to face, not just because I’m eager to get back in the ring and prove my worth, not just because this match is happening at Blaze of glory, but because I know what she is capable of. And no matter the things I am about to say, I am damn proud to face her. And it is an honor to do it on an SCW supercard. See, Maki is a challenge...her in ring style, the things she can do and say. The mind games, the puzzle she has become in the ring for me to solve…”
“This is the kind of match that really gets me executed, it makes me motivated and happy. And a motivated Alicia Lukas? I don’t have to tell you all what that means do I?. I was motivated against Bobbie Dahl, I was motivated against Evie. I am a special talent just like Maki is. But with that being said. We have both made horrible mistakes when it comes to our in ring careers. And the debate is always there….which one of us has had the better one?”
“In SCW, it’s definitely me...but the wrestling world at large? Now that is a debate.”
Her hair was tied back, a few braids moved from the side as she folded her arms over her chest.
”In SCW I was, and in some ways am the gold standard. My name is spoken in the same breath as Mikah. Who before me was widely regarded as the best of the best. But, look at wrestling in general Maki. We both held the same title in WWH. We both have been in multiple other companies and have held championships and beaten many people they would consider to be their best. No one can say you haven’t had a great career, no one can say you aren’t amazing…”
“Compared to me though?”
“As arrogant as it sounds, Melissa Aki comes up a little short.”
“Think about it. What motivates you to beat me or face me? Is it because you want to break free of the mediocre tag you have given yourself? Is it because you want to try and have a run in SCW that matters when it has been, to be kind, lackluster? Or, is it something deeper? Do you want to beat me because deep down you know that the only reason you held the WWH women's world title for seven months was because I left? That might sting, but you know it’s true. A whole host of stars, men and women who were both better than you walked out due to how that company treated it’s talent.”
“And you stayed. Friends of yours, people you respected got treated like shit, and you stayed. Yet here you are now in SCW and you want to make a career out of it?. SCW is everything WWH wishes it could be. And here, I have thrived. I came here when SCW acquired Honor and I never looked back. I was dominant in WWH, I was dominant in Honor and I have been dominant here…”
The final words were growled. Alicia smiles, curling her red lips up into an arrogant grin. She was really feeling it now, her chest puffed out, her shoulders straightened...this was the wolf.
”Here we are though, full circle back to the point. I returned from an injury, won my title back only to lose it and then my opportunity at the Blast from the past, I gave up a rematch because I wanted to fight my way back up from the bottom and I will tell you the same thing I told Mercedes Vargas. I will do anything to climb my way back up to that championship.. You and I are both in a similar position but the difference is my name here has respect on it, I have proof on what I can do and what I’m capable of.”
“I want the real Melissa Aki, I want the woman who once stood in front of me and told me she could destroy me, not the callow woman you have become who stayed in a shit hole because she knew she couldn’t hang with the best and took the low hanging fruit. So at Blaze of Glory, I want to get in the ring with you and I want you to throw everything you have at me. I told you I wanted us to steal the show, so if you don’t come at me, if I think for one second you’re holding back?”
“I’m going to hurt you…”
“This is your chance to wipe the bad taste out of everyone's mouths, to make them forget the performances of the past, to make them see you as a threat in SCW instead of the one thing that you have been. A disappointment. And that isn’t meant to hurt you. That is meant to light a fire under your ass because I know how good you are, I know how good you could be, I know what you’re capable of. So goddamnit Maki, get in that ring, show me that fire and give me the fight I deserve…”
Therapy for pain
Nervous didn’t accurately describe this feeling. She had to go alone, the therapist had been very specific. This made her uneasy, made her feel lonely, terrified and reflective on her life. Everything she had gone through and the memories that had been triggered. He hadn’t meant to do it, but that didn’t matter now. The damage was done and she needed to fix it, needed to stop the bleeding. Her blue eyes, dulled by her own emotions moved around the room, a bland, cold, standard waiting area. Complete with magazines from months ago, a water cooler with those shitty paper cups and a sign pointing to a public toilet that Alicia would not use if her bladder was going to burst.
It felt like she’d been here an eternity. But in reality it had only been mere minutes. She kept looking up at the clock, it had barely moved. In her frustrated state she thought it was a trick. Maybe they deliberately slowed the clock down to make you feel ill, more susceptible to talking about things you otherwise wouldn’t.
God, what is wrong with me?”
Her stomach was in knots, she felt paranoid and had no idea why. What is the worst that could happen? She was in control, she was the one who chose to be here and she could make the choice to leave anytime she wanted.
But she had promised Michael.
Fuck
She hated making promises, because she never broke them. Not since she was 19 years old and broke one to herself and to her two young sons. Since that day, since that promise, Alicia wouldn’t do it again. And she had foolishly promised her husband she would try, she would see the Doctor, she would try and get through tp see just what the hell was wrong. And if she would get better. She promised to try. But wasn’t this trying? Sitting here in this room being driven to madness by the deafening silence and cold aesthetic? Her hands gripped the arms of the hard plastic chair and she went to push to her feet, determined that she was going to leave. Then, as if by magic, or just coincidental timing the door opened.
A slender older woman, who looked to be in her mid to late sixties stepped out. She was maybe 4’11, silver hair that was kept short. Black wire framed glasses and a kindly smile. She reminded Alicia of her grandmother. The smile broke and a soft voice broke the silence that had tormented Alicia for the last ten minutes. ”Violent Reynolds?” It took a moment to register in Alicia’s mind. Her legal, non wrestling name.
It was rarely used.
She swallowed hard as she snapped out of it and gave the older woman a small nod and stepped forward. ”Yes, that’s me. But please call me Alicia.”
She turned on the southern charm, under her best behavior, trying to be a beacon of confidence. She puffed out her chest and had even dressed for the part. A nice top, a skirt and conservative shoes. She even did her hair up in a high business style bun leaving a few strands down to frame her face, minimal make up, just enough to show off her southern beauty. ”Oh dear no…”
No?
She frowned, unable to say anything as the kindly woman folded her arms and stepped forward looking up at Alicia, who stood almost a foot taller, her broad shoulders, muscular body and curvy features making her look even taller and bigger than the slight older woman. ”My name is Dr Whitlow. And I will call you by your legal name. Because I am not talking to the woman on the television screen, am I?” She was taken back by the forward comments, and the fact this woman had known her, or at the very least, had done her research.
Alicia simply shook her head, agreeing with the good Doctor. Her shoulders and posture slumped. In a sixty second meeting this woman had dressed her down, found an insecurity and taken away all her confidence.
Dr Whitlow turned to her side putting her arm through the door ushering Alicia in. She moved through and stood to the side as the Doctor moved around her desk and sat down, she pulled a file in front of her and a clipboard before looking up at her with her glasses down around her nose. ”Please take a seat. Make yourself comfortable.”
Comfortable, that’s funny
She smiled and sat down right across the desk, her eyes moving around the office, there were books, diagrams, motivational posters. A couch to lay on, a small coffee table with a plant. It was nicer in here, warmer. Alicia was able to breathe. Dr Whitlow closed the file and set the clipboard aside before clasping her hands together and sitting forward. ”You don’t need to be nervous. This isn’t an official session dear. Just a consultation. You might not even need me.
She stayed silent for a moment and swallowed hard. She took in a deep breath and a nod, the truth was, she did need this. And she knew it. ”I….I appreciate that. But Doctor, I need help.” She could feel it welling up. The trepidation she had from before, as she sat outside the room, all that melted away. She didn’t want this anymore. The feeling of being helpless, the feeling of being a victim. That wasn’t her. She didn’t need or want people “standing up” for her. But first she needed this. Her eyes welled up with tears, she looked at Doctor Whitlow right in the eyes, her bottom lip quivered as she spat the words she never wanted to say.. ”Help me.”
Demon Slaying for Dummies
”I’m glad you listened Maki. It’s time someone did.”
Alicia looked up and smiled, a side smile with the top of her lips tilting to the right and showing her teeth. She shook her head and went back to it, her accent sounding decidedly more “southern” than normal.
”But, it’s funny to know that without me even talking you would have been directionless. It took me saying things about the real you for the real you to make an appearance. But there lies the problem baby girl, you don’t even know who the real you is anymore. You’ve been flip flopping for so long it’s sickening and can turn you into a tailspin if you keep watching and spinning your head. Are we the sweet respectful Melissa Aki?. Are we the girl who fell so deeply in love with that moron Zolton? Are we the blood spitting demoness who will try and rip someones face off? That’s the thing, you don’t know.”
“I know who I am Melissa. I’m Alicia fucking Lukas. I’m a three time Bombshells champion, The only woman to win wrestler of the year, I’m the woman who drew Roxi Johnson back into SCW and beat her one on one. I was the woman who made everyone forget about Mikah till she sauntered her overrated ass back into SCW.”
“I’m the woman who has told the world she respects anyone with the balls to get in the ring and do this for a living…”
“But that respect has boundaries. I came into a company where the Bombshells division was an afterthought, just like it was in WWH before I rescued that one too. Because this is what I do Maki. I make people and divisions matter by simply existing. That isn’t arrogance, that isn’t me jerking myself off in public. Thats a fact. The fact is the Bombshells title was mediocre till I came here. I snatched it off Dani Weston, who is a talented woman and was a great champion but she never had a real dance partner.”
“And...as good as she is, or rather, was?”
Alicia pauses for a moment and shakes her head with a laugh under her breath.
”She could never lift up her opponents to her level, she never inspired others to BE better.”
The words spat like venom, she flipped her long blond hair from her face showing she had the trademark black war paint stripe under her right eye.
”I did and I still do. Hell, I have been able to get you to finally show some fire. Admittedly that fire is more of embers slowly lifting up into the dark sky and less like a blazing inferno, but I’ll work with what I’m given. See, Maki, the first promo I did was all about respect, it was about building you up to try and get you to show yourself. The real you. And I succeeded. This promo, well, not so much. You even said it yourself. I’m your greatest rival. It’s flattering really. Knowing that the day I touched your life meant so much to you that in your mind you have envisioned this grand clash of equals and warriors who echo through the ages. To you, the day you stepped in the ring with Alicia Lukas was a life altering and life affirming moment…”
“To me...it was a Tuesday…”
“I meant what I said about your talent Maki, I did. And I meant it when I called you a special talent. You’re just not as special as me. But very few people are. That’s what has always had me on another level and I want to try and bring you up here with me. I want you to be that damn good. You have the ability and talent, but I question the drive and the dedication, I question the intelligence. I question the decision making. There’s nothing wrong with an ego Maki, but the ego you have? The things you said?. That ain’t it chief.”
“You actually said you, YOU were the best signing in SCW?”
Alicia makes the “big oop” face and shakes her head with a laugh.
”Don’t get me wrong Maki, you’re nowhere near the worst, but when you go from calling yourself “mediocre” on social media and pointing out the win loss record to suddenly being “the best signing” in two weeks, well, that’s a big yikes from me honey. Just off the top of my head, the entirety of Wolfslair were better Signees. Alex and Austin both won the SCW world title, we know what I’ve done and even Johanna is a former mixed tag team champion and a two time roulette champion. Even our “worst” member is better than you.”
“And outside wolfslair?. There’s Amber Ryan, Cassian Reed, Lucy Serephinas return.”
“Honey, Maki, I like you I do, but stop talking utter bullshit.”
“You don’t need to put on a delusional front to be affective. You also don’t need to put up empty threats. You are not going to destroy me, kill me, bite me, stab me or lick me...at ell, in any context, ever. What you can do, is slap on your demon facepaint, come up with a cool entrance and get in the ring at Blaze of glory and do your best to beat me, or, more likely, catch this ass kicking as I remind everyone who and what I am and what I’m capable of. Blaze of glory will not be my end, it will not be the final resting place of Alicia Lukas’ career and it will not be the final chapter in my goddamn story.”
“I have more left in the tank and I am going to use YOU are an example...and I mean that Maki...with all the respect in the world.”