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Christian Underwood
Posted: September 02, 2018 05:51 pm

TAFKATPF aka The Artist Formerly Known As The Pink Flamingo
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Joined: September 15, 2011

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“To err is human - but it feels divine.”
? Mae West
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Posted: September 04, 2018 11:26 am

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Note: Anything in First person is considered OFF CAMERA and anything in third person is ON CAMERA.

The House reminded me of something out of the Great Gatsby. Yes, I read... don't look so shocked. That’s the Nineteen Twenties for you heathens out there than are still yet to be enlightened by the works of F. Scott Fitzgerald. So to say the decor was dated was an understatement. Not to mention that years of neglect and sitting empty had taken its toll on the old place.

It was stretched out into two upstairs wings. Each wing had its own apartment, minus a kitchen and laundry. I felt regal standing at the top of the curved double staircase. This was really all mine. With a smirk I climb onto the banister and slide down until it cracks part way, projecting me up and I crash land and roll down the last two or three steps.


It would leave bruises, not nothing was broken. Stupid me. I look back to the now broken bannister and sigh. Something else to fix. I always wondered why my mother never sold this place, or burned it.

It had belonged to my maternal great grandparents and got passed down to my grandmother, to my mother and now me. No one had lived in it since Gramma Irma had passed. It had just sat here, a lonely giant decaying in the middle of nowhere.

Well not really nowhere. It was in California, close to the Nevada border. But there wasn't really any neighbors for miles. The Road was still dirt and gravel for Christ’s sake. In essence, it really was perfect for me. Realistically, I felt like an ant. A small, insignificant ant... without a colony.

Don't get me wrong, I preferred to not be around a lot of people but having a couple people in a selective circle was nice. Not that I would ever admit to Tony or Ty that I enjoyed their company.

The date with Zolton was nice. I wanted to do it again but when it came to dating I lost my nerve. I would never have the courage to ask him out myself and it seemed like maybe once was once too many for him because he hadn't asked again.

This house had two large rooms off the main entrance. One was a dining room. I remembered it once held a teak dining set that seated thirty. Custom made. Now all it held was garbage and debris. The mirror above the wood burning fireplace was so thick with dust I couldn't even make out my own reflection in it. Mirrors freaked me out. And no, not because I saw myself, it was because ever since I was a kid, I was afraid of seeing something behind me in the glass and then turning to see nothing there.

It had a service door directly into the kitchen. It also had a series of doors along the wall but right now, I wasn't inclined to open them, for fear of what other destruction I might find.

The other large room, was the ballroom. Because rich people in the twenties needed to house all their friends by throwing extravagant parties with all their bootleg bathtub swill. It was excessively large. It was bigger than Ty’s whole condo. What would I ever do with this space?

Maybe everyone was right, maybe I should just sell it. They would bulldoze it for sure, sell the property to make dozens of little cookie cutter box homes... fuck that.

The hallway to the right of course led to an office done in mahogany. The floor to ceiling bookcases were still in good shape and magically, the large desk was still in the middle. I’d probably opt for some comfy couches or a settee and remove my great grandfather's desk. I could use a library, it would cheer me up when I was blue, or just needed to escape a world of idiots.

The kitchen was of course the worst. The back door was missing and the room stunk of animal decay and feces. Wood stove too. The whole room would have to be stripped. But it was large and extravagant too, including an annex to the side with a pantry and two small bedrooms with a bathroom. The servants quarters.

It amazed me. All this space and the bedrooms reserved for the people who kept the house running were so small that they were reduced to sleeping in narrow metal bunk beds. Sharing a small room with others. It seemed greedy and cruel. They had no appreciation. I didn't understand how the minds of rich people worked. Maybe that was why I never quite fit in.

Maybe I’d take out the wall. No idea what I would use it for. I wasn't planning on having live in servants. The thing was, as large as this house was, it was mine. Entirely. My mother had bequeathed it to me because I was sure she felt bad about everything my father had done to me.

Honestly, if my last name wasn't the greatest fucking wrestling name I would just take her last name but Effie Munro just didn't have the same ring to it. Plus the more senseless things I did, the more I embarrassed my family and that was well worth it.

“Hello... Eff?”

The male voice carries into the kitchen and I go running to the foyer, being careful not to slip on the hardwood floors. Ty is standing there, hands in his pockets and he's looking around a bit curious.

Effie: “Sooo? What do you think?”

I spread my arms to indicate the house. Ty chuckles.

Ty: “Totally you, Eff.”

I roll my eyes. He was late but I couldn't be mad at him.

Ty: “This is exactly where I wanted to be on labor day though, walking through a dilapidated old mansion that looks like it might collapse.”

Effie: “It's not going to collapse. I had an architect in and he said the structure is really solid.”

He moves to one of the curved staircases and runs a hand over the broken part... the part I just broke... but shush, if you tell him I’ll never live it down.

Ty: “Going to be a lot of work, are you sure you are up for that challenge?”

I look around and it just feels like I belonged here. Not because I grew up with money or that I wanted to go back to living some high society life. It was because when I was done, it would truly be my baby.

Effie: “I think it will be worth it. You know, you could have your very own wing if you moved in.”

He shakes his head. I knew he'd probably say no, but I felt like the offer would mean more to him then anything.

Ty: “I appreciate the offer, but you and I do better when we don't live together.”

Effie: “And your girlfriend hates me.”

I laugh fully at this. Most people are horrified by the idea of people hating them. I loved it because it meant that they were entirely focused on me. It didn't even matter if the attention was negative. It was mine, noone elses and even bad publicity was good when trying to get noticed.

Ty: “I don't think she hates anyone, she is just easily provoked.”

He totally didn't deny the girlfriend part! Ha! I knew it wasn't true but I also knew he wanted it to be.

Effie: “Like when she broke her hand because I told you to ask out another girl or when she got butt hurt about me trying to get you some action with her? I dunno... or maybe the fact that she's got you on a fucking leash and collar. Like a dog!”

At this point, I know my voice has gotten progressively higher pitched, like Judge Doom in ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’. You know when it gets revealed that he's really not human at all, just a toon with a crazy streak. Yeah, that guy.

Ty takes my hands and rubs his thumbs against mine. It brings me back down to earth. No idea how he does it. Something so simple and he’s killed my rage. He really was the Black Widow to my Hulk.

Ty: “It's fine. I’m not happy about your match, but it is the nature of this business. You are both big girls and can handle yourselves. I am not here to try and play peacekeeper.”

I smirk. He always gave me openings without intending to. We were peanut butter and jelly. He made the pairing sweet and I made it all stick together.

Effie: “Yeah, you don't look Canadian eh? You look terrible in Red and after today... no white.”

I get an eye roll and he releases my hands. In another time and place, I may have used him for a sex toy, but he was way too valuable as a friend. If you tell anyone that though, I will pull your tongue out through a hole in your neck.

Ty: “Your jokes are terrible, Eff. You know that right?”

I flash him my trademark smile. Of course I knew. That was the point, to get people groaning but it also made people smile. A smile was a valuable thing. You can always tell a genuine smile too, when its not forced and often unexpected. That was the stuff.

Effie: “Terribly good you mean? Yeah I know, I’m awesome.”

He groans but I did get him. I may make terrible Dad jokes but I make them sparkle because I’m a treasure. Amy may have won our match, but only just barely. She underestimated me like I knew my little play would ensure she did. She thought I would be unfocused and starstruck. Truth is, her movies barely got a rise out of me and I don't think she's attractive. The whole mohawk thing... I dunno, some stuff from the early 80’s was cool. Like Madonna, safety pins for earrings, legwarmers and horribly catchy pop music, but hair that needs a pound of dippity-Doo to stay up? Yeah I’m not into beastiality with fowl.

Ty puts an arm around my shoulders. He's very lucky that I trust him otherwise I might attack him like a rabid wolverine. He gives me an uncomfortable squeeze, which of course he is too dense to pick up on. Even if my whole body had gone rigid.

Ty: “You did good kid.”

I can't help smiling. Yeah. I did do good. I got the upperhand on my family. I got this place. I got friends like Ty and Tony. Despite the shit I was dealt in my childhood and teens I seemed to be coming out on top. And on top of Courtney, pinning her ass to the mat was exactly what I wanted to do next. Winning was never my ultimate goal when choosing to get into wrestling but sometimes winning was also putting stuck up little princesses in their place and that, was the real reason I wanted to be in SCW. There were way too many Princesses and not enough commoners. Like me.

“Pretty Pretty Princess"

The scene opens with Effie sitting at a tiny table. Her hair is in ringlets. Her dress is reminiscent of Vivien Leigh in Gone with the Wind, including lace gloves. On one side is a pretty little blonde girl with just as much glam going on including a tiara atop her head. To the other side is another little girl, this one has darker hair and appears to be a couple years younger. Still cute, still elegantly dressed.

The girls are actually Alyson Styles (The five year old daughter of former Bombshell champion, Electra Styles and Rhiannon Fischer, the three year old niece of Effie's Mentor, Bliss Fischer)

The girls are chatting excitedly and happy to have a friend to share their game of tea and make believe. Alyson picks up her teapot and turns to Effie.

Alyson: Countess Effie, Do you want some tea?

Effie nods, extending her tiny plastic cup towards the young girl.

Effie: Thank you, Princess Alyson. What about Duchess Rhiannon?

The tiny brunette smiles brightly and nods her head, copying Effie with her cup. Alyson then pours the matching tea pot. A brown watery substance fills each cup. Effie tries to smile, but her fear of whatever the liquid is shows on her face.

Alyson: Drink!

Effie takes a sip just as the door opens and the tall, blonde Ex-bombshell, Lexi Styles, stands there smiling. Alyson turns and it gives Effie an opportunity to spit her mouthful back in the cup.

Lexi: Aly, honey, Auntie Bella is here to pick up Rhi-Rhi.

Aly pouts but she stands, helping the clueless toddler to the door. Lexi offers Effie a sympathetic smile before her and the girls leave the room. Once Effie is sure the girls are out of ear shot, she moves forward picking up the camera.

Effie: Royalty. Funny coincidence since we all know my opponent for Violent Conduct considers herself the Princess of SCW. Second only to it's queen, Mikah.

Effie smirks, sitting back down in her little chair.

Effie: And me? Why I’m just the court jester, here to entertain the masses. I’m not here to take the place of the princess, nor do I want it but you see, she's been playing mind games with the white knight and the only one here that should be playing games and making merriment is me.

A dark look now crosses the face of the otherwise angelic looking face.

Effie: The thing about self entitled bitches like Courtney is, they can't see when a good thing really shows up so my buddy Ty is here all head over heels for her and she's treating him like he's no better than Bill the bum who's got a box near the Skyloft downtown.

She picks up the tiny pot of tea and starts looking around until she sees a little potted flower on the child's desk. She immediately dumps the brown liquid into it and then repeats with all the plastic cups.

Effie: If anything, I just want to kick her in her lady bits and see her cry a little. She should consider herself lucky to have a guy like Ty interested in her, like really he may come off as a bit of a dunderhead sometimes but he's sweet and he cares about people and he cares about this business. He's not only a wrestler, he's a fan too.

She sits again, straightening her skirt over her knees which still show some bruising from her last match.

Effie: Honestly, I think he can do a helluva lot better than Princess Courtney who has her head so far up her own ass I'm surprised that other people can't smell her shit too. But here's what I do know, her claim to fame is winning a mixed tag match where she could only face the women and only if she is tagged in or her female opponent gets tagged in first. Fenris got a pin, against the dude. She wouldn't have been allowed to do that. I mean the only lame thing about SCW is that I can't go toe to toe with that beast Casey but hey, you gotta make sacrifices for the best company around, am I right?

She gives the camera a wink

Effie: She got pummelled by Evie Baang in her first singles match. I intend to do the same to her. To be honest, I don't think the princess has what it takes to beat Mikah and that's why it's that Dani chick facing her at this pay-per-view and not her. She is using this broken hand shit as a scapegoat. She could have easily asked for her match as soon as she was medically cleared.

Effie offers a shrug.

Effie: But, I guess we’ll see. They put her and I in a match together. You know what happens when flint meets stone don't ya? Sparks...

She uses her hands to emphasize explosions, extending her fingers and mouthing, ‘BOOM!’

Effie: And there is more than enough dry kindling to start a real blaze. Fuck the main event, fuck the bombshell title match. No one gives a fuck about another match where Mikah eats some bright eyed rookie for breakfast. People want to see a REAL fight, with real emotions. No one cares about Dani. Nobody cares about Mikah's nine hundred and eleventh title reign. They see two chicks that aren't afraid to scratch and tear out each other's hair.

She leans across the table to get close to the camera.

Effie: I tried to get them to add some sort of snack dessert in a wading pool but apparently it would be degrading to the bombshell division. My argument was that everyone wants to see a cherry jello wrestling match but unfortunately Mark could not be persuaded.

The sound of voices draws Effie's attention.

Effie: Looks like our time is up kiddies. Until next time.

The door opens and Effie leans back in the chair smiling. Alyson comes in and notices the empty glasses.

Alyson: Countess Effie, Did you drink all the tea?

Effie rubs her belly.

Effie: I’m sorry it was just so delicious and you were gone so long. I just couldn't help myself. Me and Mister Snuggles just drank it all.

Effie nods toward the camera and it suddenly becomes clear that Effie has used a ‘Nanny Cam’ to film the entire promo. Alyson looks to the camera and giggles.

Alyson: Mr. Snuggles! That's okay, I’m happy you liked it. I’m so glad you and Countess Effie came to play today.

Effie smirks.

Effie: Me too Princess, me too.

***Fade to Black***

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